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Original poster

Am I being wrong and selfish?

23 replies

tammybear · 08/08/2004 16:43

Maybe I should have posted this in lone parents but oh well.

Im really annoyed with exp1. He was suppose to come to visit dd this weekend, but he hasnt. He hasnt seen her in 6 weeks. The last time he was here, he acted aggressively towards me, and nothing has been said since. My mum was saying that if she was one of his parents, she would have rang up on his behalf to apologise just so it wouldnt linger and be as awfully awkward as it is now. I think that they didnt come this weekend because of that, and dont want to see me.

He lives with his parents, and doesnt have a job. As far as I know, he is doing nothing about finding himself a job. He uses what money he does have to go out drinking, and getting drunk. He doesnt pay his parents rent or anything. He pays me £10 a week for maintenance, and yeah I know I should be thankful Im getting something, but I am really annoyed with him. He cant be bothered to get himself a job, and I really need the money that we originally agreed to (£25 a week). I have been struggling for money for god knows how long now, and although I have been offered a job, it is now looking as though I cant take it, as we cannot find childcare for dd. There were months I was starving because I couldnt afford food, and would only buy things for dd to eat. I cant ask my mum for help as she's helping my sister out (although she shouldnt as my sister has gotten herself into her own mess, stupid cow! (sorry)) and I cant ask my dad because he's just gotten back from holiday, and had a moan to my mum a couple of months back because I had asked him for money.

I am suppose to be having a week on my own end of August. Im going away for a bit (thank god Im not paying), and the weekend I go, exp1 is due to come. I told him not to come that weekend because I wont be here and I know Ill just be worried sick if he came, but as he hasnt come this weekend, I have a feeling he will want to come that weekend, as its his birthday the week after, plus I wont be there, and if he doesnt come then, itll be 9 weeks since he hasnt seen her.

Now Im just ranting, but do you think Im being selfish in wanting him to get a job, just so I can get the money I need for dd? Please be brutally honest if you think I am

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Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 16:49

since he "has" seen her that is

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WideWebWitch · 08/08/2004 16:49

Good lord no, you're not selfish. He's the lazy selfish thoughtless one. 10 a week! That's not enough! Can you see a solicitor to formalise contact arrangements? Are the CSA involved? If not, call them. Being aggressive towards you is totally unaceeptable, as is not turning up when he said he would, as is giving you such a pathetic amount of money and spending what he has on getting drunk when you're starving.

Lisa78 · 08/08/2004 16:56

I'd post something but www has it in a nutshell.
not selfish, not wrong

Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 16:57

Im going to see my solicitor not this week, next week. CSA arent involved, but I have been thinking about contacting them. I forgot to mention he decided to contact me last week after hearing nothing from him in 5 weeks, and he was saying he wanted dd at his house. I said no, because its not fair on dd going to a place she doesnt know with people who are virtually strangers, as the last time they came, she hid from them, and cried when I left her with them in the garden. He is also wanting parental responsibility yet again, as he's brought it up before but didnt do anything about it, and thinks it will give him more "power" than he has now. Although as far as I know, he gets rights over schooling, religion, and emergency medical treatment.

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runragged · 08/08/2004 17:23

Hi Tammybear, as far as parental rights are concerned if you were not married to exp1 when dd was born he has no rights over schooling, religion, or medical care. If you are an unmarried couple with a baby you need to formalise that even if you are together. I'm pretty sure this is right as I saw it on the telly(! must be true!) and my friend was very seriously ill in hospital and they were desparately trying to get a solicitor to sort out the forms in case... Luckily all is fine now. Hope that makes sense.

Obviously its up to you now as he is an ex and you might not want him to be able to make decisions, on the other hand if dd needed emergency medical care he wouldn't be able to authorise it.

runragged · 08/08/2004 17:25

Sorry, forgot to say you aren't being wrong or selfish. It sounds like he needs to grow up and take a bit of resposibilty.

coppertop · 08/08/2004 17:27

I'll be brutally honest and say you're NOT being selfish in wanting him to get off his backside and help to support his daughter. The whole aggression thing isn't on either. I think that before he starts applying for a parental responsibility order he should look up the word "responsibility" in the dictionary. IMHO he should stop thinking about what he wants and start thinking about what his daughter NEEDS.

Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 17:28

i am willing to look into it as we werent married so he doesnt have any rights but i dont like the way he's going about it. i think it was about half a year ago when he first brought it up, he was saying he can come and take dd when ever he wanted without my permission (my solicitor informed him that he couldnt) and I dont think (even now) he realises what he gets from it, I dont think he's even been to a solicitor. I think he's just picked up the forms and that's it. he only brings up about getting it when we're arguing and so he brings it up as a way to try and get one up on me (if that makes sense) although I know technically it doesnt really change his status (or at least that's what my solicitor said)

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MummyToSteven · 08/08/2004 17:41

another one that thinks www's advice to you can't be bettered! you can't afford food, and he can afford to go out and get drunk???? get the CSA in and get a fairer deal from him.

aloha · 08/08/2004 17:52

If he doesn't work then the CSA won't get much out of him at all. A fiver a week may be all. If you know what he gets in benefits you can ring the CSA yourself and they will tell you how much you will get - they are helpful like that, though agonizingly slow to deal with real cases. Parental responsibility will make next to no difference to anything practical. You still have the final word and no, of course, he won't be able to get your dd any time he likes. If you don't want him to see your dd while you aren't there (and if he doesn't do you the courtesy of replying to your messages) then make sure your dd isn't at home. As for you, if you can't afford to eat, I think you need your benefits reassessed and make sure you are claiming everything you can - contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau for help. Also maybe talk to your HV about childcare. Do you know if there is a state nursery near you?

Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 18:01

Im better off money wise than I was a while back. I can afford shopping now , Im not sure if he's on benefits or what. I would imagine he's on jobseeker's allowance, but Im not too sure, but his parents spoil him rotten, so thats why he's not responsible or anything. I didnt think of my HV aloha, thanks for that.

Thanks to everyone else too

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posyhairdresser · 08/08/2004 19:10

Why shouldn't he get a job if he is young and healthy - he has responsibilities now to support not just himself but also his child.

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

edam · 08/08/2004 19:12

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't sign anything that would give him parental responsibilty. He's not doing much to deserve it, is he? And I suspect he's just using it to have a go at you, rather than because he actually cares about his daughter.
Sorry you are having such a tough time. Do you know if you live in a Sure Start area? Government gives extra grants to those areas and they have all sorts of fab support for pre-school children and parents, including affordable nurseries. Expect there's a list on the Department for Education and Skills website.
Good luck.

Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 19:22

Ive had a look at the DFES website. There isnt a surestart programme near me (well not in walking distances anyway)

Like coppertop says, he doesnt think about what is more important to dd. He keeps playing himself as the victim in all of this, but he's the one that wont pull his finger out to do anything. I know it's hard for him to see her often as he lives 3hours away, but if he didnt waste his money on drink, he could use it for a train ticket to see her. He just thinks about himself, and it really bugs me. Ive never stopped him from seeing dd. oh him and his family make me so mad

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MeanBean · 08/08/2004 19:24

Tammybear, don't bother getting in touch with the CSA. You are four times better off now than if you got what they would award you. I have two children, and I get a fiver a week from my ex for both, so as it sounds as though you have one child, you would only get £2.50 (assuming that they apply the same formula).

Why do you have to even discuss parental rights with him? Just don't give him any - why should you? Tell him it's not up for negotiation. Can he take you to court for them? Would he bother? If he's too lazy to get a job, I suspect he's too lazy to take you to court, and the threat of court action is just a way of winning a row every time you have one.

MeanBean · 08/08/2004 19:25

You've mentioned his drinking twice. Is he an alcoholic?

Original poster
tammybear · 08/08/2004 19:41

Im wouldnt say hes an alcoholic, but he drinks a lot, and does it to take his mind off things. He has brought up PR twice or three times before, and as you can probably guess, since he's brought it up again, he has never gone through with it. He does it when he doesnt get his way, saying he wants it. I do think he'd be too lazy to do anything about it, in fact I think he's only done it because his parents are pushing him to.

Back on Easter weekend, they rang me up and said they were going to come down in about 4hours. I said it was too shorter notice, so they asked if they could come up the Saturday. I was busy. Then they asked if they could come Easter Sunday. Again I was busy as we're catholics so go to church etc. His dad then started "threatening" me with talk of solicitors and stuff, and my reply was "fine, ill let my solicitor know" And again you can probably tell they didnt bother doing anything again.

The problem with them (including his parents) is that they think that they can intimidate me, and allow them to do what they want. I tell exp1 that Ill look into PR because I doubt he'd do anything about it, as he hasnt so far. It'll cost him £90 so he probably want to spend it on something else than that

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Original poster
tammybear · 09/08/2004 18:42

exp has decided to go through with PR, is bringing the forms around when he comes in 3 weekends time (although I did tell him not to come that weekend)

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runragged · 09/08/2004 19:23

Hi Tammybear, if it requires your consent then I really wouldn't do anything until you have taken advice. I'm surprised really that it didn't come up when you sorted out access and everything or maybe it did and your solicitor knows why it didn't go through. If you don't want him to see dd that weekend then tell him, he could come the weekend before or after instead, you really don't have to fit in with him especially as he is unreasonable.

aloha · 09/08/2004 19:26

Personally, I wouldn't sign the forms until you are absolutely happy with his levels of responsibiity (!) as a parent. At the moment, he does seem lacking.

edam · 09/08/2004 19:26

Tammy, given that you aren't married, he can't have parental responsibilty unless you agree. And he isn't being very responsible, so why should you? What is he actually doing for your dd? A tenner a week. Big wow.
So now he wants to bring the forms on a weekend that isn't convenient for you. Ignore him. He can't be bothered to turn up when he says he will ? if dd isn't old enough to be upset by this now, she will be soon. You just can't mess a child around like this. And when he does turn up he gets aggressive! He doesn't have a clue what being a parent means ? putting someone else first.
Out of interest, how old was dd when you and ex-p split up? It sounds from your posts as if she doesn't actually know him very well. So if he did care about her and her needs, he'd want to get to know her and the best way to do that is by turning up regularly, with properly arranged visits. Not this unreliable messing around.

Original poster
tammybear · 09/08/2004 20:20

It was actually a year ago this month I split up with him. Dd was only 8 months. I was just having a moan at him about not being responsible and not seeing dd. I said to him he could come up on the train as it'll take three hours but he doesnt want to do that, not that its any different from sitting in the back of a chair for 3 hours!! But hes moaning that he wont have his parents support if he did that. Why in the world does he need their support??? He's turning 22 next month and he still needs his mum and dad to hold his hand

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MeanBean · 09/08/2004 20:42

Tammybear, I think you already know that this guy is just not enough of an adult to have parental responsibility. It sounds like you're avoiding a confrontation with him, understandably, but at some stage you are just going to have to tell him that you are not going to sign anything until he has demonstrated his fitness for parenthood. And like Edam says, it's about putting the needs of his child first, before his own needs - something which it doesn't sound as if he has ever done.

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