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Original poster

did you lose the old you? i like the person i used to be.....and i want her back.

62 replies

queenrollo · 14/05/2007 14:34

went for a night out last week and it has made me really think about the old me. i used to be adventurous in how i dressed, had my hair outrageous colours.....i was a social butterfly, all over the pub/club.....would go up to complete strangers and be friends with them by the end of the night. i also used to feel sexy.....would flirt all night and had a wonderful sex life with dp as a result because i felt so bloody wonderful about myself.
it wasn't motherhood that changed me, it was work and paying the bills and my social life dying a death because the local music scene fell on it's arse (we used to go out to see bands all the time).....but having my ds has made me realise i'm in danger of falling into that trap of becoming a mummy/housekeeper and when i hit 40 i'll have totally lost any trace of ME.....

anyone feel like this or is it just me? i really want to feel good about myself again....i want to give a damn about my appearance.....i want to feel ALIVE again.

OP posts:
butterflywings · 14/05/2007 17:17

I don't think I have changed..
I still go to parties in the park in our town with local bands playing and stay until it finishes at 10pm, and I take DD (nearly 3) with me. It's a special occasion so I don't mind her staying up late once in a while.
I still go out one or two Fridays a month and I'm lucky enough to have babysitters who will work until 2am.
I still have a drink at the local with my childless friends. They are considerate enough to give me time to get DD ready and always try hard to find a pub with a garden.
I'm going to Alton Towers next month for my sister's birthday, without DD.
I had an outrageous Ann Summers party last month.
I still go to gigs and the cinema once or twice every 6 months.

And I still have plenty of time to be a mum

UnquietDad · 14/05/2007 17:18

Those who manage it seem to have laid-back approach and good support networks, plus child-friendly stuff going on in their local area which adults can enjoy too...

MerryMarigold · 14/05/2007 17:20

I understand this thread perfectly. I went out in London (with dh, just to the cinema) and it reminded me of my old lifestyle I was so depressed instead of enjoying our night out!

However, I do think the grass is always greener. I also remember that I desperately wanted kids then and was upset I wasn't in a situation to be able to have them. I worked all hours and ate rubbish...Truly, I don't think I was happier then than I am now.

Noodle, about your dh. Can you not make sure you have your own way with holidays and decor a bit more often rather than resent it in retrospect. Just put your foot down and there may be a fight, but so what? You need to have your 'way' too.

madmarchhare · 14/05/2007 17:21

But surely you can all still do these things? Those of who have a DH who carries on regardless need a kick up the bum.

NoodleStroodle · 14/05/2007 17:22

Do you know what Merry - I am now not quite sure I could because I don't know who I am anymore. Also he an extremely clever man who always gets his way in a very subtle way. He's not mean to me and very generous but I just feel eroded away.

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2007 17:22

Funny you should start this thread, I was thinking the same thing until recently when I met up with an old friend and we went to see a band that we had really loved. Instead of having the time of my life, by about 11.00pm I felt tired, missed the kids and looked at all the weirdly dressed lads and lasses and realised that I had actually grown up. Made me appreciate what I had, but also brought back great memories of all the fun things we did!!!

southeastastra · 14/05/2007 17:24

i used to feel like i'd left me behind somewhere, especially in my late 20s and early 30s.

now i quite like the person i am now and am much more relaxed about stuff iykwim.

UnquietDad · 14/05/2007 17:26

In your early 30s you look around and suddenly realise there are loads more young adults around. All those who were teenagers when you were in your 20s. It's a bit of a culture-shock to realise you are no longer in the "youngest" adult age-group. (And yes, doctors and policemen get younger...)

NoodleStroodle · 14/05/2007 17:27

I am just a bit worried because I keep thinking if I can hang on until DC leave home then I can start again on my own.

This isn't souding very healthy.

UnquietDad · 14/05/2007 17:29

I look round where i live and see a lot of people my age (37) who have reclaimed their sociaol life because of just that. They had kids early, maybe 18 or 19 - and they've now grown up, and have either left home or are going off to do their own thing - so these still-young adults are finding life again. Most of my peer group had children at about 30-32.

NoodleStroodle · 14/05/2007 17:31

I had DC in mid twenties and was quite young compared to my peer group. Maybe I just have to hang on in there.

LoveMyGirls · 14/05/2007 17:36

I had dd at 17 i totally plan on finding myself again properly when im 38 (i get brief snatches/ glimses now and again)

I'm going to be outrageous, go on implusive trips away, probably dye my hair a funny colour to hide the grey, go to festivals and buy weird clothes and basically have no limits at all. The last thing I will want to be doing is having dinner on the table by 5pm and getting up at 6.30am.

classychick · 14/05/2007 17:44

Should not have started to read this thread. Depressed now. My DD is only 6 weeks old today and I was having an "oh my god" moment over the weekend as a friend and his four kids came round and destroyed my house; I felt depressed as to where my figure has gone and the fact that none of my clothes fit (due to huge breastfeeding boobs - one aspect I don't enjoy - am I the only one to think big boobs are not a bonus?); I have given up a job I enjoyed and miss my friends who still work in the city while I am at home. All in all, a depressed few days.

I love being with my DD but god I miss adult conversation and have not had a night out. In fact i have, so far, only had a total of 4 hours away from DD. Struggling with how to get away while breastfeeding. I have to leave her next week for 2 evenings to go back to college before my final exams in 6 weeks. Not quite the evening out I had in mind.....

Think i need to organise myself a girls night out and book DH in for babysitting!!! [hmmm]

thedogsbollox · 14/05/2007 18:02

I wonder how much of this feeling is due to having children when you are relatively young yourself.

I didn;t have my two DCs until I was in my mid-30s and think I had already done a lot of growing up anyway and so having the children has had little impact.

I think if I had had them 10 years earlier then I would have missed out on lots of things I did in my 20s and early 30s.

I like the person I am now and believe that having children has enhanced my life, not diminished it. If anything, I find having young children makes me free to pretend I am young again and to do silly things with them, that I probably wouldn;t do if I didn;t have them

suzycreamcheese · 14/05/2007 18:03

no ...this, ds, is the best thing EVER that happened to me in lots of ways...
...still go to occasional gig for the special bands in my life.. but partied for the nation in my 20's and 30's and glad glad glad to let it go...

...love getting up in the mornings for our fun and madness....

MerryMarigold · 14/05/2007 18:03

Sorry you feel eroded, noodle. Maybe if you keep a journal of your thoughts, you may feel a bit of yourself coming through again...at least no-one can control them.

LoveMyGirls · 14/05/2007 18:16

I definately think the ones who have children young are the ones who feel like this?

When I got pg I'd hadn't had any freedom, I've had glimses as i said but nothing like i would have had. Don't get me wrong i love my children they are my world but still have times i wonder what it would have been like to have a few years of freedom.

MoreSpamThanGlam · 14/05/2007 18:21

I was talking to dh about this the other day.

I used to read books and recommend them to him. Now he tells me all about this great book/song/band/film he has heard about.

He has done an open university course and has trained to be a football coach.

I have erm had kids

lissielou · 14/05/2007 18:26

after ds was born i was v depressed and mourned the loss of me. often felt that the old lissie had died on the operating table only to be replaced by a paler, weaker subsitute. as ive come out of the pnd ive realised that being a mum and a wife is just a part of who i am. im still funny, still intelligent, still sexy, opinionated and fiesty. just not 21 any more.

Blondilocks · 14/05/2007 18:34

I feel like that too, but my current problem is studying, working FT & being a mum! After my exams next week am hoping to get lots of social activity thrown in before studying for the next lot! I do think that my work has sucked a lot of my fun side away & also living far away from my more "fun" friends.

I think it's far too easy to get stuck in a rut that gets repetitive. Don't think loads of wild nights out will solve it, just perhaps changing track a bit & throwing in some random activities, even if it's ones which involve taking the child(ren) along.

I'm only 23 as well & feel like a right old woman at times (no offence meant to anyone older than me).

lou33 · 14/05/2007 18:45

WARNING
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens . . .

The ending of the poem pleases its readers when the woman says . . .

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

love that poem

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 14/05/2007 19:14

Oh this is quite sad

queenrollo/noodle- have you lost you confidence - why not try to change one thing at a time?

qr - you said in your op that you want to give a damn about your appearance - you can do that can't you? It doesn't need anyone else's input.

noodle - it sounds like you are fitting around your dh all the time and never him around you. Find one thing, once a week that you'd like to do - make it a definite in your diary, like your dh's sport is to him.

Start taking some baby steps to make life how you want it to be.

Original poster
queenrollo · 14/05/2007 20:02

i'm 31 now.......and ds is 21 months. i love being a mummy, and have a wonderful dp......but feel like i push him out because I don't feel good about myself.

i'm starting to look after myself much better, and i am starting to address my appearance. the rot set in there because i was working markets for 10 years.....so wrapped up in warm comfy clothes, i kind of forgot how to dress up and feel feminine.
i know i can't go back, i have to move forward but i'd like to take the vivacious part of the old me into the future with me.

OP posts:
hellobello · 14/05/2007 20:40

I used to work with horses, so my clothes were entirely practical. I was too knackered to do anything else. That was then. I've just been shopping in Primark and bought some stuff that is hardly becoming of a gal in her 40s. I can dress so badly without trying very hard! Dh says I look fine and not idiotic, so that's ok.

Blondilocks · 14/05/2007 22:49

I have wondered if it was only me who felt like this!

I think splitting up with ex-OH gave me a good kick up the backside! But part of that made me more determined to get n with my study, which is something I want to do but is taking up all my spare time at the mo. Can't really moan, as I want to do it, esp as it's all going to be over soon. Just am a bit worried about it which makes it seem sooo much worse.

I know what you mean about not having to dress up so not doing it. I just wear whatever I can find to work, usually jeans & a jumper cos I can't be bothered! My new year's resolution was to dress better... broke that but do wear makeup to work now .. does that count?!

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