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Original poster

Help! Should I let 9yo ds go to his first sleepover with parents I don't know very well and who seem a bit flakey?

27 replies

WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:23

I'd really appreciate views. 9yo ds is friends with a boy who's perfectly nice, they go to school together.

I've met his mum once, she came in for a cup of tea when dropping her son for tea here. There are 2 men 'around' but I don't know who they are. Ds's friend's dad is dead, sadly, so I've no idea of the relationship between these men and the mother, I think one might be a partner.

Ds tells me their house is a bit, erm, dirty and scruffy. I haven't been in but I was quite taken aback when I stoood on the doorstep a while back: the hall was absolutely filthy, great piles of yuk. The friend smells sometimes. Oh god, I sound so horrible and judgemental but I'm anxious about letting ds sleep over because of the above snobbery but also because I don't really know these people.

Ds says he will come home to sleep if it bothers me. HE said "but you leave me with a baby sitter" and I pointed out that a) they're CRB checked b) they have 2 references c) it's not overnight

What would you do? He's going this pm so QUICK! TIA.

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/05/2007 12:31

Let him go. If it's as bad as you feel, chances are he won't want to go again!

elasticbandstand · 12/05/2007 12:31

you are perfectly right not to, if it doesnt feelt right. perhaps you can pick him up after an evening there, judge for yourself. just sayyou don't allow it. end of story

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:31

please, anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:33

Oh your posts weren't there when I bumped it!

OP posts:
elasticbandstand · 12/05/2007 12:35

why is this his first, has he been asked before and you havent allowed it?
or not asked.
i do know of other mum's who don't allow it. be strong, he is your son..

Carmenere · 12/05/2007 12:35

A bit of dirt won't hurt him. I had lovely friends as a child whose house was really scummy(I couldn't eat there) but they were really lovely, just very relaxed.
Talk to the mum, ask her ot get ds to call you before bedtime to make sure he is ok and he probably will be.

Snaf · 12/05/2007 12:36

Well, dirt and scruff won't do him any harm. If he's anything like the (very few, admittedly!) 9-year-old boys I know he'll be more than happy not to wash for 24 hours

But it sounds like your worries are more about the mother/the men around, which i think is perfectly valid. If your gut feeling is 'no', then go with it.

nogoes · 12/05/2007 12:37

I think I would say no for now and try to get to know the mum a little more before you let him stay there.

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:40

He's never been invited to a sleepover before no. He has stayed with people but always people I know v well or who are relatives (my mum, ex dh's family etc, old friends of mine).

The dirt isn't the main thing, dirt washes off. It's that I don't know them (and don't really want to tbh).

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/05/2007 12:41

Are you taking him round there? If so, leave his overnight stuff at home and see if you can go in for a cup of tea and a chat. If you feel more comfortable then, you can dash home for his stuff. If not, just explain that you don't allow sleepovers until he's at secondary school.

roisin · 12/05/2007 12:49

My ds1 is 9 and has never been on a sleepover. You sound very uncomfortable about this family and house; if I were in a similar position I wouldn't let him go.

I'm impressed at your ds btw - mine wouldn't even notice the house being a bit dirty and scruffy

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:52

Roisin, it's REALLY gross, verging on a health hazard, we are not talking a bit of dirt like he gets here.

OK, I've said no. We will collect him at 8. I don't know them, they strike me as scuzzy, he's 9, it's my call.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/05/2007 12:53

I have to say that my older two didn't start sleepovers until they were about 10ish and then it was only with friends whose families I knew well.

If it is the makeup of the family which bothers you more than the cleanliness of the house, go round and have a chat with the mum. Ask her who lives in the house, etc. I'm sure she won't mind if you explain that you are overprotective/paranoid/weird .

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 12/05/2007 12:54

i kind of knwo what you mean
i had a boyfriend at secondary shcool whoe mum MUST have been an alcoholic or =soemhtign looking back
they had no furniture adn hte hosue was FOUL

relaly unusual as he loooked very well cared fo adn was clever and well spoken

anyway the hosue really stunned us all btu we were abotu 16 so coudl eb discreet.

who invited hwo www?

Original poster
WideWebWitch · 12/05/2007 12:55

The other boy invited ds.

OP posts:
tortoiseSHELL · 12/05/2007 12:58

I think you should always go with gut instinct, if you feel not right about it, then say no (as I've just seen you did ). I know ds1 is a lot younger, but he has only been for sleepovers with friends when their parents are very longstanding friends of ours (pre-children!). I'd feel VERY weird about letting him stay over at 9 at a house where I didn't feel comfortable with the parents.

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 12/05/2007 12:58

no say no
god i wonder if they are addicts or owt

batters · 12/05/2007 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idreamofdaleks · 12/05/2007 14:40

Good call.

Nine is young for a sleepover anyway IMO

Surely you need to respect and trust folk before letting your kid sleepover at their house

TnOgu · 12/05/2007 14:46

Trust your instincts.If you feel at all uncomfortable for whatever reason don't let him go.

I only let my son sleepover at my best friends house [her son is friends with mine]
and to be honest would not be happy for him to go overnight to any of his friends houses at this age (10)

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 12/05/2007 14:49

I am dreading my kids ask me this.

I don't want to let them go and sleep at the homes of people I don't know.

Where has this bloody fashion come from? We never did it.

Saturn74 · 12/05/2007 14:52

Go with your instincts.
The scruffy house and lack of regular baths for the son wouldn't bother me, but not knowing the adults well would.

TnOgu · 12/05/2007 14:55

Exactly right.

We didn't do sleepovers, it wasn't damaging to our childhoods and yet today children are under pressure to do it even though they might be scared of the dark or still wet the bed etc

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2007 15:00

I did sleepovers with my best friends and they are among the most exciting and happy memories of my childhood

they are absolutely stonking and unforgettable things to be allowed to do IMO

however I don't think you should allow your child to stay overnight with adults who you don't know well and feel comfortable with so I am sure you did the right thing WWW

frogs · 12/05/2007 15:12

Well actually, back in the dim and distant 1970s, we used to stay the night at friends' houses all the time. But then we lived in a remote rural area, so it was the only way you were going to get any kind of a social life. Some of my happiest childhood memories are of staying with my friends, some of whose houses were very grubby and disorganised.

So that in itself isn't necessarily a problem. But WWW, the reason I think you are right to have reservations is the fact that you don't actually warm to this family yourself. I'm happy for my children to spend time with people whose lifestyles are very different from ours as long as I actually like the family, even if I wouldn't want to live like them. If my gut instinct was not to like or trust the family, then I'd find a reason not to let them go.

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