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Realising your parents aren't immortal

15 replies

Dreamer · 12/07/2002 09:46

Hello everyone, I need to talk.

I had a phone call from my Mum last night (she's on holiday in Austria), to say, don't worry, but she's been in hospital with a virus that has affected her blood pressure and heart, but she's ok now and could I make her an appointment with her GP when she gets back.

Mum has had a few 'things'' over the past few years and it's dawned on my that she's not going to be around for ever and I'm really sad.

She's 63 (today actually) and should have a good few years left (my Gran was 90 when she died), but the thing that annoys me about her is that she is so pessimistic about her health. She used to be a nurse, so when she has an ache or pain most people would dismiss, she gives it the name of some disease or other and writes herself off.

Anyway, dh was no good at all last night, totally unsupportive 'she says she's ok, so what's the problem!' So I thought I'd turn to my mumsnet friends. How has anyone else coped with this? All advice welcome

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 12/07/2002 12:58

Dreamer, I sympathise. I thought my parents were immortal and it hadn't occurred to me that they wouldn't be around for ever (logically it had but I hadn't really accepted it IYKWIM). But then my Dad died suddenly, a year ago, within 3 weeks of being told he had a tumour.

It was and is a huge shock and the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It is also one of the hardest aspects for me of getting older, facing my parents' mortality.

I don't know what to say about your mum except do your best to ensure that if and when she does die you don't have any regrets. I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well here but I suppose I mean be open and close and good to her, don't leave questions unanswered, don't harbour grudges, that kind of thing. There was no unfinished business between me and my dad, just a lot of love and this helped and comforted me once he was gone. I have nothing for which to blame myself, just happy memories and a lingering sadness (that will never go, I suspect) that he isn't here with me and to see my ds grow up.

The fact that your mum's mum lived to 90 is a good sign. I'm hoping my mum has similar longevity - her mum lived to 81 and her dad is still alive at 85. Try to comfort yourself with this. If the reality of mortality is hard for us it must be doubly hard for them: getting older and feeling the fear. HTH.

pamina · 12/07/2002 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Melly · 12/07/2002 21:34

Dreamer, all I can say is spend as much time as you can with your mum and realise that she is probably the best friend you'll ever have. I lost my mum ten years ago (she was only 56) and just typing this makes my heart ache. I miss her so much and for me it seems to get harder each year. Sorry, don't mean to sound depressing, just enjoy having your mum around and be thankful for every moment you spend together, they are so precious.

Cl · 13/07/2002 09:33

I'm with Melly. My mum died coming up 11 years ago aged only 50 and just reading these messages makes my eyes start to water and my heart ache. I envy those of you that still have a mum alive to worry about, but in a small way I don't as you still have the pain of losing her to come and I'd hate to go through that again. Apologies, not v cheery -but it's true that once they've gone life is never quite as good again. On a positive note I found having kids really brought them alive again, and I can really feel my mum at work in me, so in so many ways you never really lose them, though you miss them like crazy and I mean every day. On a practical note Dreamer if you suspect that there is something wrong with your mum be proactive. If you can afford it get a BUPA all over body MOT or if you have a good GP get them to get her referred for a good once over. Then if there is something wrong hassle anyone and everyone until you get the best consultant in the land to take a look at her. If in doubt get second opinions, research on the net whatever it takes to make sure she gets the best possible care. As a generation I find they don't like to make a fuss -so you have to do it for them. Pamina - I'd offer you the same advice. I will always wonder if my mum had been treated at a proper teaching hospital rather than a local yokel place whether she'd have lived longer. Given my time again I'd have whisked her down to the Royal Marsden and sat there until someone important saw us (she died of breast cancer). Other than that just spend as much time with her as you can and cherish her. Talk about your childhood, noone else remembers it quite like a mum - my dad didn't even know if I was breastfed - and please try not to let anxiety spoil the time you do have whether its three years or thirty. As awful as it is losing a parent you do survive somehow, and you do still have lots of good times!

PS The other way of trying not to worry is to think how you'd want your kids to be. You wouldn't want them spoiling their lives worrying about you, and neither does your mum. This perspective has helped me a lot through the big times, wedding, births etc. I just know my mum would want me to enjoy life, and not be constantly sad about her . Wanting your kids to be happy - unconditional love - it's what being a mum is all about.

PPS Apologies this is so long, but it's helped me to write it down, sorry if it's not that helpful to anyone else!

Bootyful · 13/07/2002 13:17

I lost my mum when I was 29 and my dad when I was 35 and feel very sad that my mum did not get to see my children, although my dad did see my first born.

Yes, I feel very cheated, not only for me but for my children too that they will never know my parents and experience the joy of their love.

Cherish every precious moment with your parents, because you really don't know how much time they have (and us too). Make time quality.

genia · 13/07/2002 19:35

Hi
These postings have brought tears to my eyes as well though I cannot say that I have a very good relationship with my mother. She (she is 60 next year) too is receiving treatment for cancer and like Pamina I am burying my head in the sand about it. We are on very different wavelengths and have quite a lot of friction between us...
This sounds terrible, but though there is a side to her I really like and appreciate, I also find her quite overbearing and prone to emotional blackmail... Though I know that I should be enjoying this time with her and also trying to get closer, when she is actually here (I see her about once a month for a few days) I find it very difficult to do this - then when we are apart I wonder what the hell I think I'm doing??? I think it's that I don't want to get emotional and in a way I think this is what she wants - so there is like an unspoken battle of wills between us. Anyway, I don't quite know where I'm going with this but it helps to talk about it.
Eugeniaxx

Cl · 13/07/2002 21:01

I'm with Melly. My mum died coming up 11 years ago aged only 50 and just reading these messages makes my eyes start to water and my heart ache. I envy those of you that still have a mum alive to worry about, but in a small way I don't as you still have the pain of losing her to come and I'd hate to go through that again. Apologies, not v cheery -but it's true that once they've gone life is never quite as good again. On a positive note I found having kids really brought them alive again, and I can really feel my mum at work in me, so in so many ways you never really lose them, though you miss them like crazy and I mean every day. On a practical note Dreamer if you suspect that there is something wrong with your mum be proactive. If you can afford it get a BUPA all over body MOT or if you have a good GP get them to get her referred for a good once over. Then if there is something wrong hassle anyone and everyone until you get the best consultant in the land to take a look at her. If in doubt get second opinions, research on the net whatever it takes to make sure she gets the best possible care. As a generation I find they don't like to make a fuss -so you have to do it for them. Pamina - I'd offer you the same advice. I will always wonder if my mum had been treated at a proper teaching hospital rather than a local yokel place whether she'd have lived longer. Given my time again I'd have whisked her down to the Royal Marsden and sat there until someone important saw us (she died of breast cancer). Other than that just spend as much time with her as you can and cherish her. Talk about your childhood, noone else remembers it quite like a mum - my dad didn't even know if I was breastfed - and please try not to let anxiety spoil the time you do have whether its three years or thirty. As awful as it is losing a parent you do survive somehow, and you do still have lots of good times!

PS The other way of trying not to worry is to think how you'd want your kids to be. You wouldn't want them spoiling their lives worrying about you, and neither does your mum. This perspective has helped me a lot through the big times, wedding, births etc. I just know my mum would want me to enjoy life, and not be constantly sad about her . Wanting your kids to be happy - unconditional love - it's what being a mum is all about.

PPS Apologies this is so long, but it's helped me to write it down, sorry if it's not that helpful to anyone else!

sobernow · 13/07/2002 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosehip · 13/07/2002 21:55

I spent years worrying after my mum, who always had some ailment or other, some pain, gripe about her health yet continued/es to smoke! Guess what 4 years ago it was my dad who died suddenly after keeping all sorts to himself - I always thought he's be OK as he never complained about anything, and yes the guilt pang appears every now and again, and yes mum is still here (God bless and thank God!) but I have to say I do tend now to shrug off those moans and groans rightly or wrongly .....

Lacey · 13/07/2002 22:06

Hi.. i'm not really sure what to say about your mum - you may be frustrated and unsure but I really think that only you know your mum and your circumstances and only you are really in a position to judge anything about these. it's very easy for outsiders to give opinions which are really only based on the very little information given - im sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I recently spent 4 months 200 miles away from my husband with my children in order to spend my time with my father in his last days of terminal cancer. I don't regret a moment of that - I have no feelings of letting him down, not being there etc., he was an awful patient and never accepted his fate at all, even when i was forced to tell him how ill he was 4 days b4 he died.He was never a complainer, but he was scared and cried on my shoulder a lot without adressing the issue..it was very hard to deal with. Anyway, sorry for the length of this, but the general advice I was given by the Macmillan support nurses(who where absolutely amazing)was that each and every day, you make the best decision you can at that time and you should never waste time regretting anything because in the greater picture, you can only do your best.. Having said that, I now find it hard to deal with my mum as she now seems to be moaning and complainng of everything and has appeared to have exagerated all her aches and pains since my dad died (they were divorced) and a part of me finds this really difficult to cope with because I feel that there is a huge element of seeking the attention that dad got from the family for herself now - that really sounds terrible doesn't it? but it's how I feel..
Sorry to bore you all..
Hope you find the answer to your problems within yourself - I know that that is what I am trying to do..

tigermoth · 14/07/2002 09:51

I'd like to add something here but can't post a long message now. If I do, it will be too late to take my sons for our planned day out in the sunshine. The story of my life - the tugging between past and present. But I know what my mum would have liked me to do, so I'll say goodbye for now.

charliesmummy · 15/07/2002 00:56

melly - my funny, loving 'mummy' died 12 years ago very suddenly mid shouting match with me, and your comment 'best friend you'll ever have' - my mum said that to me on a daily basis during one of the 4 or 5 phone calls we used to have a day. So that made me have a bit of sharp intake of breath. Dreamer please make as much time for your mum as you possibly can, ask questions about her life; why she did this, or when did she go there, sit on the sofa with her, lie on the bed and laugh at things - god knows that is what I want to do right now. I so want to show her my little boy, and how perfect he is, and how he has her hairline ... hey ho. I miss just holding her hand (yes even at 25!), kissing my face all over her saying 'mummy loves you so much darling, you were so wanted and you have turned out so well, daddy and I are so proud of you, and just you remember I am the best friend you'll ever have'
bugger now I have gone and upset myself here at work!.

robinw · 15/07/2002 06:06

message withdrawn

Dreamer · 16/07/2002 10:40

Thank you so much, everyone, for your supportive words. I really appreciate that some of you have spoken about things which are obviously painful - thank you.

I think one of the things that I do find difficult is the fact that I'm an only child and don't have anyone (including cousins) to share the pain with, so talking here has really helped.

I've done a lot of thinking and feel like I've made much progress. On Friday I guess I was angry just realising my Mum's getting older and scared about the inveitable. I've completely come to terms with that now. Instead of worrying about what it's going to be like when she's not there, I've accepted that the time will come, but am going to relish the time I have left with her (as some many of you have said). I see my parents at least twice a week (they look after the children), but have realised that I don't spend much time just with Mum. So we're going to do some things together and just chat. She's back from hols tomorrow so I'll see how she is and I've booked her an appointment with her GP.

Again, a big thanks to all of you, from the bottom of my heart

OP posts:
tigermoth · 16/07/2002 12:58

Dreamer, I'm an only child, too.

I cannot believe how reluctant I was to have children and now thank my lucky stars I have my sons. When my mother died after a sudden and short illness, the last link`with the family I grew up with died too.

My father had passed away a few years earlier. I have not lived in the city of my childhood for 22 years. I have virtually no extended family in the UK, and none that I am close to. Apart from a few old childhood friends, I have no one left from that time. All the people I grew up with ( parents and grandparents) are dead.

Sorry, not trying to sound self pitying, but it's strange seeing a group of people once close, unravel. Many of my mother's old friends were part of my childhood, too. Now she is not here, and I am in London, we have lost contact. They were never friends of mine, just people who passed through my life, but I still miss them. Then I switch off and think about the here and now - my own family.

But...If I'd known how much I'd lose, I would have made an effort to make friends with my mother's friends, and visited her sisters and brothers with her to keep the connection going.

I suspected my mother was ill before the doctors confirmed it and really can relate to cl's point about nagging doctors and getting second opinions. But this is something else that happened for me - in her last year, I began to see my mother as someone in need of protection. She had always been a physically and mentally strong woman, and I always offloaded my problems onto her, talking to her without a second thought.

As my perception of her mortality changed, I began to gloss over events in my life, giving her a rosy view of things so she wouldn't worry. I know lots of my friends have been doing this with their mother since adolescence but having to put a big gloss on things for the first time made me feel very lonely. I needed even more love and support from my husband to make up. Yet in retrospect, I am glad I did this. She went off believing all our problems were tiny ones.

Dreamer, I envy you your mother and your time with her. Have fun together - mum and I had many lovely shopping trips and cafe outings together in her last months - all you can do is live each day. And live your life to the full, too - my mother had an enduring and sometimes irritating fascination with mine. Had I put it on hold, I think she would have lost a great source of enjoyment.

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