Being the eldest......(long, sorry)

[Levanna]

I'm the eldest sibling, I have a younger brother and much younger sister. My sister and I aren't in touch with our 'parents' and my brother is embroiled in a constant struggle with his fragile emotions regarding the past, and where to go from here.
In many ways I enjoy being the eldest, but sometimes I feel as though I'm helping to bring up two children not much younger than myself (I suppose this has a lot to do with the precarious situations our 'parents' left us each floundering in).
Recently I've felt quite saddened that they seem at times to reject my love for them, but on the flip side expect me to sort out their respective lives when the going gets tough.
For example the last time I was in touch with my brother, he decided to have a good old 'effing' session at me down the phone for no apparent reason, then the other night (now a couple of months on) he called me, distraught, and told me he cuts himself. I'm very relieved that he has managed to speak with me about this, but also aware that if I now 'mother' him in any way shape or form he will only feel frustrated with me and reject anything I might suggest. My sister similarly hung up on me this week for no apparent reason, then came to me in tears and in need of support several days later. She has also been through a particularly difficult time of late. I love them both immensely, we have our differences of course! But, I really would do anything for them. I feel though that neither of them take the time to consider what I may or may not have going on in my life at any given time. (Then feel selfish for feeling so!) I do feel sad (I cry over it) that each of them seem to think it's just fine to hurl abuse at me whenever they feel like it. They each say I'm too protective of them, but this goes out of the window when they need or want my help. Of course I'm protective, our childhoods have certainly heightened my feelings of responsiblity towards them both. When they each contact me within days of each other in real states of emotional/mental distress, of course I'm scared and concerned for them. It really seems as though I'm somehow failing to strike the right balance with each of them and it's leading to a triangle of relationships which I for one am finding difficult, verging on damaging. I feel like we rarely give or show the respect to each other that we each deserve, that we take each other for granted. Where am I going wrong?

Levanna, sorry that you and your siblings have had such a difficult upbringing, and that you are having to deal with the fall out from this. FWIW I don't think that you are doing anything wrong - for better or worse, you have fallen into the "mother" role. I think the problem is that your siblings need more help than you (or a relation could provide), and could probably benefit from counselling, or some other form of expression of their feelings - maybe drama therapy, or possibly even referral to a
psychologist/psychiatrist.

In terms of dealing with the self-harming - the Bristol Crisis Service for Women has some resources on self-harming - their url is: www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/ and in particularly you may wish to look at their leaflet with suggestions on how best to deal with someone who self-harms:-
www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/leaflets/helpresp.htm

if your siblings f & blind at you, could you try giving them a warning, that you are only prepared to speak to them if they stop this behaviour, and then if they don't stop, put the phone down, or would this not work?

best of luck

Hi mummytosteven, than you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I have encouraged my sister for some time to go to counselling (I suggested psychotherapy too, I found it extremely helpful). I believe she is due her first apointment any time over the next couple of weeks, thankfully! The link you've provided is wonderful, I'll go back for another look at that leaflet. I've been (gently!) trying to encourage my brother to see his G.P. as a starting point, but due to other health issues which are really scaring him as well as the self harming, he's struggling to make the appointment. I know only too well that it's a move he has to make of his own accord anyway.
You are right about speaking with them about how they each speak at me at times. I really feel it's time it stopped, I've probably been quite 'lenient' about it before now, having been aware that each of them have few people they can 'vent' on. But I think I'll point out that their venting needn't be a personal attack on me! That they are welcome to vent with but not at me. (Sorry, thinking as I type .)
Thanks again for your support, it really does mean a great deal to me.

I don't really have any advice but just want to say that you sound like a fantastic person to be taking all this on while still trying to get on with your own life. I hope you and your siblings get the help and support that you need.