considering blowing out family member - am I wrong?

[joanneg]

My step dad is not a very nice man. He brought me up from when I was 9 and was abusive, controlling, favored my step sister (who is his blood daughter) and treated me really awfully.

About 5 years ago he has some sort of nervous breakdown and is on loads of drugs including anti-depressants and tranquilizers. Since then he has mellowed a lot (probably because he is drugged up to the eyeballs!) but spends all day in bed and doesn?t wash much. That aside I have made a real effort to forgive him and move on (even though he has never taken any responsibility for being so crap to me and kicking me out when I was 16). I sort of thought that it was healthier to move on and forget things.

Now I find myself in a strange situation. Ds is two and my step father has made quite a bit of effort with him, still ignores me. But I am now worried about ds getting close to this man and am considering blowing him out of our lives for good.
I just have this awful feeling that ds will get attached to him and then when my step sister has children he will be blown off. Sounds extreme but this is what my family are like. My mum fell out with my nan when I was 8 and she blanked us and I remember how that felt as a child, I just don?t want ds to go through this.

Also this man has an aggressive, verbally abusive past with me and I am terrified that one day he will loose his rag with ds (it is unlikely because he drugged up - but still a worry)> He is also not a good role model, he has not worked in 12 years, sleeps all the time but then goes to this lap dancing strip club twice a week!

The icing on the cake is that my mum is talking about leaving him - hence removing him from our life.

Anyway - I have sort of decided to distance this man from ds, mine and dh life. Has anybody been in the situation of blowing out a family member? How does this work at Christmas? I feel really stressed out and depressed about this. I think in a way I am still scared of him and frightened. If this is the right decision then why does my stomach churn when I think about it? Am I out of order because ds seems to like him?

I hope this makes sense. Please advise if you can help in any way. This is keeping me awake at night.

If your mum leaves him the situation will resolve itself no? What do teh rest of teh family think about him?

Joanne, if you are not happy being around this man, then he is not a good person for your DS to see. I can't give any practical advice about Christmas, except maybe to arrange to have it at the other end of the country at a friend's, or abroad if you can afford it, but I would say that long term, you are probably right - just because children like someone, doesn't mean they are good people to be around. Lap dancing classes? Yuk. How very sordid. I wouldn't let my children near him just for that alone, but then, I take a hardline position on this sort of thing.

we have no contact with DH's family. It started with his dad (parents divorced) and has kind of spread. His mum has sent presents for DD's b'day (about 2 months late) and i just write a bland thank you letter back.

Will you still be able to keep in touch with your mum (if she stays with him)? Assuming you have a good relationship with her...

Similarly my mum is thinking of going back to my ex-stepdad who is a nightmare. If this comes to pass i will meet up with my mum and little bro and sis but will not go to her house/stay any more. Xmas isn't a prob because we prefer to just have the 3 of us together and relax.

Your stepdad sounds horrible and TBH I wouldn't want my child around someone like that. How does your DH feel?

thanks for your quick repilies.
Nobody likes him at all. Even his blood daughter is angry with him. My dh dispises him and is 100% with me on my decision. Even my friends dont like him and think that we would be better off without him.
Now you guys have said it the christmas thing it makes sense. We can always go and visit family or just not arrange to see my step dad. He is very lazy - so never makes arrangements anyway.
Tinker - you are right about my mum leaving him. I am praying that this will happen as he is not a good partner for her and does not treat her nice at all. If she leaves I am sort of hoping that he will just disappear.

I just keeping thinking that I am mean blowing him out, but like you have said he isnt a good influence at all and ds would probably be better off without him!

I just want to know what you all think - because I know that you will tell me the truth! I also need back up in my mind to keep me strong to stick to this and not cave in.

I think you should cut ties with him. We torment ourselves all the time wondering whether we are depriving our children of relationships that we think may be valuable to them. But the benefits of this one sound dubious and the likelihood of your stepfather repeating the behaviour you have experienced is high.

My children only have contact with one grandparent, he is in fact their only living blood grandparent anyway. But they have plenty of good relationships with adults of all ages, friends, neighbours and family, and they don't miss out on anything they need to help their social development. Surely that is all that matters in the long run.

It would be simplest for you to just drift out of his life, and put an end to this stress you are suffering.

oops, I meant the only living blood grandparent of my daughters, anyway. DS has the lovely in-laws to trace when he is older, if he wants to (see MIL thread!)

I don't think you're wrong at all. I've been there, done that and tbh I've not regretted my decision for a single second.

Do what you have to to ensure the happiness of you and your immediate family. Step father sounds like a horrid man, and your ds couldn't benefit from seeing him very much anyway. I have blown out my mother and father, their grandchild will never see them, but I am not malicious about it. They weren't good for me, treated me, my brother and the grandparents who raised us v badly and don't deserve to be in our lives.

Please don't feel guilty about making decision to secure the happiness of your family. Awkward situations like Christmas can be avoided tactfully if the need arises. don't worry. Hope it al works out for you, whatever decision you make