Advice needed, worried for friend and her baby.

[wellsie]

Wasn't sure where to put this so hope I've got the right section.
I've been concerned for a friend of mine for a while now, she has PND and as someone who is just turning the corner with this problem I feel I should be able to help her, however I am struggling.
My PND was more about me and how I hated myself and how I wasn't good enough for DS, however I believe my friends PND is more focused towards the baby - does this make sense? I'm trying to be a bit vague just in case someone I know recognises this!!
I don't think she would do anything to the baby but my worry is, what if?
My friend really needs help but she won't seek it.
Your advice/comments would be most welcome.

hi wellsie - sounds like an awfully tough situation. does your friend accept there is a problem with the alay she is feeling, or is she in complete denial? why is she unwilling to seek help? if she is concerned about stigma/taking ads she could try and obtain some form of psychotherapy/counselling on a private basis. does her HV have any idea of your friends difficulties - HVs should administer a PND questionnaire to all mums which should usually pick up this type of problem

Wellsie,

I'm not suffering from PND but had a particularly dreadful day on Monday and had a very strong compulsion to hurt my baby. It was almost overpowering...it was just a well of frustration, resentment and rage about to spill over into venting my fury on him. In the end I settled on screaming how much I hated him into his face (very not proud of this)....obviously I don't hate him and love him 99.9% of the time.

My point is that if I can feel like this when I don't even have PND (and it was really scary, I struggled to maintain control) I would say that your friend is very much more vulnerable and could harm her child. If they are not already involved, contact your friends health visitor / GP etc...even if she resents you making this intrusion. I don't want to be melodrammatic, but from the insight my experience gave me on Monday I would say that this baby could be at risk.

bump

Hi, thanks for posting. I truly believe my friend is in complete denial about her feelings and apart from the risk to her baby, she herself is not coping.
I know she doesn't want to take AD's as she has been on them before and the HV paid her a visit a few weeks ago, but typically on that day she was having a good one.
I've seen her today and it's obvious that the smiles & laughing are a front, I'm sure she's gone home to cry.
I tried talking to her today about PND and how it can come in waves, I also suggested some time away from the baby to give her a break but "the I'm fine" mantra came out.
I'm not sure what I can do and I'm not sure what you guys can suggest. PND is a very tricky thing and affects everyone differently. I didn't want to take AD's but I knew I had to make myself better so I took some positive steps and am turning the corner.
The problem is I had to hit rock bottom before I could do this, perhaps my friend isn't there yet?
Thanks for reading.

I suffered in silence with PND after an emergency C-section.I didnt bond with DS at all even during the 11 days he was in SCBU. Felt it was all my fault, no-one sat and chatted and I was very pushed into bf by midwife which didnt work because of the stress in the end. I felt petrified on my baby just because it was such a shock to the system, one minute your leading a normal life, the next your struggling with a 6 inch scar with the responsibility of baby 24/7.The only thing that I could say that I really appreciated was my friends, they came around every day just to say hello and to say what a good job I was doing (thats all I wanted to hear) nothing else. It was just so important not to feel alone and I was eventually dragged out to meet other Mums in the same situation and this really helped, but took time. I hope some of this may be of help to you for your friend.

wellsie - is your friend suffering from any sort of intrusive/distressing thoughts regarding her baby? if so she could possibly have Post Partum OCD rather than PND - or the strain of the thoughts may be making her depressed on top of the OCD?

This is such a tough situation. You dont mention the father - is he around or likely to be of help, or another close family member that could also help her.

Practically the only other things that I could think of were the emenrgency advice that baby manuals give you if you think you are out of control and might harm the baby. This is usually along the lines of getting out of the house by taking the baby out for a walk/drive, putting baby in a safe environment and leaving the room to calm down for a few minutes, calling a friend, ringing a helpline like crysis. I am not sure how you could pass this on to her subtly if that is necessary. (I do wish NSPCC would use some of their advertising budget to promote this type of advice rather than scaring you into signing up -but i digress)
You could also try and find some articles/books on PND. Daft as it sounds she might be more ready to beleive it if she sees it in print if she thinks your fussing and she coping etc. I think Vicki Iovine's book "Surviving the first year of Motherhood" is good on this and is also wise/funny on other areas.

I never had PND thankfully but there were still days I felt like lying on the floor and howling so I can only begin to imagine how tough this must be for her to suffer and you to watch. Good luck in trying to help.

There is a DH but they are both similar characters. She is a people pleaser and I think has a touch of OCD (cleaning). She has family nearby but I'm not sure how supportive they are.
I think when I see her next week I might just have a quiet chat and tell her about the helplines that are out there. I've also got the Vicky Iovine book so I might take that with me too.

wellsie - if your friend is suffering from intrusive thoughts a very good book is "Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. I would imagine that your friend's confidence is at rock bottom, so it would be more helpful to frame any chats to her as feeling that she is doing a great job, and you are worried about her. How is her baby sleeping? Does her baby cry a lot? Prolonged sleep deprivation/constant crying can wear anyone down