How do you tell your toddler that someone has died?

[Fish]

Don't forget to have a quiet word with the class teacher -this is a big strange event in a short life and you want the child treated with extra kindness and tact.

Two childrens books that I would recommend that helped my daughter on the death of both her Great Grandma and her hamster(!)

COME BACK GRANDMA by Sue Limb
ISBN: 0099219514

THE BODY BOOK by Claire Rayner
ISBN: 0590556088

When mum's dog died a couple of months ago we told my daughter/her granddaughter that the doggy was really tired and needed a good long rest because she'd done so much running around and playing for so many years.She often asks about the dog when we visit but understands when we say that she needs to rest and can't play any more.I don't know how long it will hold up,I suppose when the time comes it will be explained.It's a subject that no one likes to think about though.

Peaches

Winnie, what is 'the body book' about. My son (almost 4) has been obsessed with death for ages, but has been quieter on the subject lately. But the last week he has started up again with his questions - When will I die? Why do people die? How do they die? When will you die? I don't want to die! etc. etc. So far I have tried to just placate and reassure him, (without giving real answers to his questiosn) but this doesn't seem to be working. He is a real worrier. Do you think this book would help? Any other suggestions anyone? (He has not had any experience of knowing anyone who has died.)

Kmg, 'the body book' is a book of cartoon like pictures about the 'facts of life' put in the simplest of terms. My daughter was four when I purchased it. It offended relatives because there is a cartoon-like picture of an erect penis in it but in my experience it is only ever the adults who've dwelt on this. Children are much more interested in how a baby gets out of its mother! Anyway, I digress, it is good for answering all of those difficult questions (although it says nothing about menstruation ~ not that the subject is relevant in this thread) but there is a small section on death which might be of help. Why not try to order it from a library and then you can judge for yourself.
'Come Back Grandma'is more of a picture book with a story and it is delightful. It is, despite its subject, quite lovely. It reminds one of how people live on after their death through family characteristics. Hope that helps.

A tip I heard recently seemed particularly useful for slightly older children. if your child has not been able to say good-bye to the person (or if there was anything else they wanted to tell them), buy a helium balloon, write a message and tie it on & then let it go. I think this would be good with my 5 yr old, who has a firm idea that heaven is 'on the clouds' and regularly waves to our dog (who died about 3 years ago).
Also, if there are lots of questions about heaven, get them to sit down and draw a picture of what they think it might be like, but you do it as well, then you can talk about the things which are same/different.
Finally, the best description of actually dying I heard, was to liken it to when the child falls asleep in the car, and when they wake up Mommy or Daddy has carried them into their own bed.
I've never had to use any of these as my children have never lost anyone close (other than our dog, and the oldest was only 3 when that happened), but they do seem reasonable suggestions for a difficult time.

for anybody who has someone terminally ill in the family - not necessarily with cancer - cancerbacup.org.uk has a variety of inofrmation and a section specifically about talking to children about it...

click on 'living with cancer' and then 'what do i tell the childen?' - leads into several other sections and a list of helpful books.

I always understood that if a child had a pet which died he/she could cope quite well with that, then also with the death of a grandparent and eventually death of a contemporary.

Apparently, the trouble only begins when we start to contemplate our own death and perhaps that is why it is such a taboo subject. I hate the expressions "passed away", "left us", "passed on" etc. I think we should use the word "died" to our children, so they accept it as much as they do "born".

There is a great book by Maria Shriver called "Whats Heaven". It is beautifully written.