What would you do?

[Lowryn]

Hi, I think I know the answer deep down, but we are all feeling very confused and tired...
DH's mum died a few days ago and we only found out last night when Police came round to inform us. Nothing odd really as she lived alone in Canada and had been battling cancer for 4 years. Basically DH's sister went on holiday to the US yesterday for "The holiday of a lifetime" that she told me that she had been saving up for for years. She is with her 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter.
Do we, a)track her down and tell her the bad news thus ruining her holiday
b) wait until she gets back (three weeks)
The mother lived a very secluded existance and was quite removed from her relatives and apparently it was a few days before she was discovered.
We don't know where she is apart from in Orlando Florida, we think we have a phone number but no one is answering. Any ideas or suggestions on contacting her (tracking her down), or not contacting her would be most helpful.

What a horrible dilemma - what is Dh's gut instinct? I wouldn't know what to suggest. Hope all goes well, whatever decision you arrive at.

DH wants to track down his sister but the effort of it all has made him ill.
Also, what should we tell our 2.5yr old daughter? Is she too young to comprehend "dead".

I think you should try to contact you SIL, but if you can't then you can't. I know I would hate to come back from holiday to find my mother had died and I hadn't been told. If she has travel insurance that might refund at least some of the cost of the holiday if she decides to cut it short, and then she would be able to afford another holiday at a later date. I've no idea how to track someone down if you don't know where they're staying though. If you have any hotel names, or names of people they might be meeting there then the BT website does international directory enquiries.

Commiserations to you and your dh.

It is hard to know what to do for the best sometimes but I think you should try and contact her. My sister flew to America the same morning as my dad collapsed, he died later that day but we were able to contact her before and after. Doesn't make it any easier but it was the right decision. Sorry for your loss

what do you think dh's sister would want you to do? if not sure then i would let her have her holiday but maybe bear in mind you might have to deal with her grieving when she arrives home? with regards to telling your daughter - i would trust her to understand. i don't know what your beliefs are so forgive the following if its on the wrong track. my best friend died of cancer 6 years ago and i really found the following poem helpful:
'do not stand at my grave and weep, i am not there i do not sleep.
i am in a thousand winds that blow, i am the softly falling snow.
i am the gentle showers of rain, i am the fields of ripening grain.
i am in the morning hush, i am in the graceful rush.
of beautiful birds in circling flight, i am the starshine of the night.
i am in the flowers that bloom, i am in a quiet room.
i am the birds that sing, i am in each gentle thing.
do not stand at my grave and cry, i am not there i did not die
(mary e frye)
again depending on your beliefs - i would suggest you say her body was very old and sick & stopped working. her soul lives on- in the family/in your thoughts/in your hearts/in everything/is everywhere/in heaven. it is part of life, part of nature, that is what teaches us/reminds us how special and important it is to live the best life we can. every day is a priviledge. i would also remind your dh's sister if she strongly reacts against you having not contacted her - that you tried your best to do so but you also tried to think of her and her holiday with her children.
the way your mil lived and died may incur heavy guilt from your sil but it sounds from your post she choose this way to live?
best of luck x

I wouldn't contact her. She might be a little cross afterwards, but it's not like her mother is still alive and she could see her one last time before she dies. Let her have a proper holiday. You could always tell a white lie and say that you couldn't figure out how to contact her.

think I agree with SofiaAmes,SiL has presumably not seen her Dm for some time,so I'm sure a white lie may be in order.

I don't think I would tell her. All that will be achieved is that her holiday will be ruined. I think a white lie is in order.

I think I would try and tell her - we had a similar dilemma a few years ago - don't want to go into details, but I think the person involved would have wanted us to tell them immediately retrospectively.
I'm very sorry you've suffered this loss - thinking of you all.

Agree with what has been said. Lie and tell her you tried to contact her but couldnt find her. Let her have her holiday without the feelings of guilt that she should come home.

I would try to find her. If she is very upset, she'll be glad you told her and the "holiday of a lifetime" will pale into insignificance. If she's not overly upset then have you really ruined her holiday? I think you need to give her the option, I'd be very angry and upset if no-one had told me.

I'd try to find her and leave it up to her whether she cuts her trip short or not. If you can't though, you can't. Is there anyone she'll call while she's there? Could you get them to ask her to call you? Does she have a mobile? Could you text to ask her to call you? Sorry for your loss.

Lowryn - I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I think it's right to try to contact her but I hope your dh doesn't feel more ill as a result of the grief and concern over trying to track down his sister. He has to look after himself, too.

Thanks for all the advice...In the end DH decided he needed to let her know. We managed to get a number for her from a friend at her work. She was fine about it all, she didn't seem as upset as DH and was talking about which disney parks to visit, so I guess we didn't spoil her holiday.