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If your parents are alive what will happen to them in their old age? What will happen to YOU in your old age? Do you think we've got it right in our culture?

42 replies

WideWebWitch · 15/04/2007 10:37

Following on from a discussion on another thread about my ILS, we were talking about how the resf of the world looks after its elderly people.

So, if your parents are alive, what do you think will happen when they're infirm/older? Will you put them into a home? How will you/they pay for it?

What about when you're old? Do you expect your children to look after you?

And do you think we've got it right, this business of how we look after our elderly parents in the UK? My ex dh is Indian and when I look at the way the extended family is important and involved it's a great model imo.

Interested to hear views on this.

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 15/04/2007 11:40

Message withdrawn

Shoshable · 15/04/2007 11:40

Given that none of my maternal female relations have lived past 60 (mom died from breast cancer at 57) DH says Ive only got 12 years left then he will marry a 20 year old to look after him!

Blandmum · 15/04/2007 11:41

vascular dementia. She has a series of small strokes that gradually leave her more and more demented. She suddenly deteriorates, levels off for a bit, and then drops down again. She has seemed to be at deaths door so often, but still keeps going.

Which is horribly sad, particlarly when I think that she may well 'outlve' dh

I must go and see her soon, but if I am honest I begrudge the two days for travel it takes me (she is 4.5 hours tavel each way from us), since I'd rather sepnd the time with dh and the kids while I can.

Life is crucifyingly hard on times

WideWebWitch · 15/04/2007 11:42

Mb, I agree, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I think this is an interesting subject too.

We had 3 weeks from diagnosis to death with my dad so it just didn't arise and I've never discussed what my mum wants. Her own mother died pretty suddenly, within a week of being admitted to hospital, as did her father, they were in their mid/late 80s and so there was no long term care to be done because before being admitted to hospital and dying they were fine looking after themselves.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 15/04/2007 11:42

Oh Tamum, I don't feel guilty now.

Now I realise that she needs professional care that I am not compitenet (or even willing if I am honest) to give her.

It was just how I felt when all of this first started.

Tamum · 15/04/2007 11:45

That's good, and I wouldn't feel guilty about not going to see her at the moment either to be honest- your time with dh has to come first.

Shoshable, I'm sorry to hear abotu your diagnosis too

Shoshable · 15/04/2007 11:46

I think it becomes so difficult if it is a long term illness, my Mom survived 3 years from diagnoses, and I never forget changing her once near the end, and her saying to me that I had become the parent and she the child, i think for a very independent woman, she found that very sad.

Shoshable · 15/04/2007 11:48

Thank You Tamdin, it wont beat me tho, far to bloody minded for that!

Tamum · 15/04/2007 11:48

Good for you

OttersPool · 15/04/2007 11:50

no wonder MB
Doubly hard when all the effort you pu into visiting will go unnoticed - itis a difficul one - very difficult

NappiesGalore · 15/04/2007 11:58

dp's 'rents are pretty old. hes an only child. apparently they would never want to leave dundee so i dunno what wiull happen in the end. i hope the surviving one will come and live here, tho we are v fortunate to have a cottage they can live in (on same plot).

mine arent v old, and im one of 4 so i guess their care will be shared a bit more, but i have always imagined that i would take care of them. and they are divorced so one wee flat or something wont do it.
again, finances being easier for us make it all so much simpler. i imagine id get readymade bungalow thingys and put them at either end of our field! lol. then if they need more intense care later on, we can afford a nurse.

im not against a home per se... but id want it to be a Good Place so if i couldnt find one, id have them here.

but is all v speculative atm. never know what circs may change between now and then...

jampot · 15/04/2007 11:58

crikey i didnt even consider dh's birth mum. She has a dh who has 3 children of his own. She has 2 dds in Oz so I guess they wouldnt do anything. In reality i suppose she would be looked after by either her step inlaws or her sisters dds maybe.

Lovecat · 15/04/2007 12:16

This is a horrible, yet interesting question, as it's something that is bothering me, yet my brother/sister do not want to seem to want to think about it.

My dad is 76, incredibly frail to look at yet tough as old boots (does driving for meals on wheels and refers to the peeps he delivers to as 'the geriatrics' even though some of them are younger than him... ). However, he is becoming more and more forgetful, to a frightening degree and, being an evil-tempered git (one thing that has not dimmed with age!) will argue violently rather than admit he has forgotten something.

Mum is 70, had a mini-stroke 4 years ago and, although she has made a full recovery, is trying to be realistic about the future and talk to Dad about putting the house into my brother's name now (he lives with them), so that if either of them have to go into care in years to come, his home will be safe.

She nursed her mum through senile dementia and has repeatedly said she would not wish that on anyone and we are to put her in a home at the first sign of doolallyness (as she puts it).

Dad goes mental at the mere mention of this, 'they're not putting me away' etc etc, but the fact remains he is such a cantankerous, downright nasty, violently-tempered sod (and that's being polite about him) who terrorised our childhoods, none of us want him anywhere near us and my sister and I are certainly not prepared to have him come and live with us. It would be the end of my marriage, for sure.

If it were not for my mum I think that my brother and he would have killed each other by now, so if she goes first God alone knows what we'll do....

In the meantime, my brother seems to have buried his head in the sand vis a vis the possiblity of him being left to look after Dad/Mum in their dotage, and my sister is telling me that I'm exaggerating the problem - given that, the week after Mum's 70th, the entire family up for a big birthday lunch in posh restaurant, major fuss, extravagant presents and surprise cake, he turned to her and said - oh, sorry, I forgot your birthday, didn't I? When Mum replied no, you got me xyz, we all went out for lunch, don't you remember, he said - oh, did we treat db to the pub, then? - I don't think that I am exaggerating too much...

In terms of my own dd, I don't expect her to look after me. I'd hate for her to see me the way that I saw my grandmother in her final years, it was very scary, esp. as she thought that I was her eldest child and this b&b we'd been staying in was very nice (my parent's house!), but we really must get back to our own house (her terrace in Liverpool which had been flattened in the Blitz some 20 years before). She kept trying to get me dressed in the middle of the night and sneak out. I remember my mum being incredibly distressed (I was about 4 at the time) and couldn't understand why nan was crying and pleading for her to unlock the door and let her go home... I really wouldn't wish that on dd - anyway, having had her so late in life and with our family's history of heart disease/stroke, I'll probably be long gone before that eventuality comes along!

Tamum · 15/04/2007 12:23

Lovecat, you sound right to be concerned. I think denial is quite a common form of defence in situations like that though. I'm really sorry, it must be very worrying for you.

fannyannie · 15/04/2007 12:28

Don't know what will happen with my dad - TBH it's a miracle he's still here and hasn't given himself a heartattack with the cr*p that he eats, lack of exercise and a family history of heart disease (both his parents died in their mid 40's - from heart disease).

My mum has Parkinson's and its generally acknowledged by everyone (except my Dad ) that she'll have to go into a home at some point in the future. Don't know about funding - they don't own their own home and have no other assetts......but mum assures me she's looked into it all and not to worry????

I wouldn't expect my children to look after me when I'm old/infirm either.

TheBlonde · 15/04/2007 12:45

My parents seem to favour the assisted suicide abroad option.
I would not consider having them or the inlaws to live with us. Even if they were reasonably okay to start with what do you do when they become completely dependent, incontinent etc?

I wouldn't expect my children to look after me but I might need them to pay for the care should we end up skint

Lovecat · 15/04/2007 12:57

Thanks Tamum

Forgot about the ILs! The OH is mostly concerned that his dad is going to spend all his money on his partner (he sold his house and moved into hers, the idea was she would also sell and they would buy a new place together, it never happened and they've been living the life off Riley off his proceeds ever since), she'll die/run through his money & kick him out (I think the latter scenario unlikely, but he still worries!) and he will be left penniless and have to move in with us (house in her name, left solely to her only son).

This wouldn't bother me, I really like my FIL, but I would have serious issues with where his unfeasibly large model trainset was going to go...

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