Need to vent... feeling very piss*d off

[Lethal]

Dh & I had a bbq for our ds' 4th birthday today. I told family members WEEKS ago that we were having a lunch today at 1.00pm, & I went to a lot of trouble to have a nice lunch and a birthday cake for ds. Basically everything has gone wrong, and I just don't know why. Firstly, we told my 18 yr old stepson about 5 times that we were having lunch at 1.00pm - he said he was 'definitely coming' each time we spoke to him, and then at 2.00pm today, we received a text message from him (NO phone call) saying 'oh sorry I just can't make it'. Then my SIL phones and says that she and her family will be late, and when she turned up (at around 2.00pm), she said that the whole family had already eaten. WHAT THE?!!!! I told her by phone and by email that we were having a lunch for ds today, but she says "oh I didn't realise it was for lunch." That was such cr*p because I'd spoken to her about it several times before this. I was so angry I didn't even feel like talking to her, mainly because we ALWAYS make an effort to go to her children's birthdays and we turn up when we're supposed to, etc.

Then, after SIL and BIL had only been here for an hour, her husband says "We have to go soon because we're going out tonight". So basically they turned up late, didn't eat the lunch I prepared for them, and then said they had to leave early. If we did the same thing to them they would be furious, because BIL is really sensitive about stuff like that. But, I thought, surely they could spare a couple of hours for ds on his birthday, especially when I'd already given them heaps of notice - but they didn't seem to give a crp about it. It just pi*es me off, because we always make such an effort for their children.

I'm feeling pretty bad/guilty now because by the time they got here I'd had a couple of wines, and I think I made it pretty obvious that I wasn't happy. There wasn't an argument or anything, but at one point SIL said to me "are you ok? You seem a lot quieter than usual." I'm kind of embarrassed that people probably picked up on my feelings, but I am so sick of people being completely unreliable while we always try to do the right thing by them. Please can someone tell me they understand how I feel... this is the first time that I've shown any kind negative feelings to dh's family because I always try to be so 'accommodating' to them... but today I just felt as though I'd had enough. To top the day off, dh also ended up arguing after they'd left & are not speaking to each other at the moment.

I doubt his family will probably see me in the same light again... it's not like me to let my annoyance show in front of them, but I couldn't be bothered hiding it from them today

That should've been "dh and I ended up arguing..."

Sometimes, or just some people, just do not listen to what you say. ARe they always like that or just this time?

They were without a doubt inconsiderate. Iiwy next year I'd forget the family and book a play area for your ds and his friends.

Lethal, I'm not surprised you're pissed off - that's appallingly rude after you'd gone to all that effort. Grrr - families!

I would've been beyond peeved - they were very rude and bang out of order. Sadly, families seem to think they have licence to behave like that don't they?

I really hope you feel better soon.

That's so insulting. You've every right to be hacked off. It's like they were saying 'We'll just fit you in when we can but our lives are much more important'. Make up an excuse when it's their child's birthday.

Bless your heart. After they have been so out of order you are worried that they might have noticed that you were annoyed! That shows what a nice person person you are, and shows them up basically.
I think that you are well within your rights to be annoyed - I would be livid too. I am glad you came onto mumsnet to talk about it - as I think a good rant helps! As your ds get older and gets to invite who he wants it will come back and haunt them because if they act like this one day he wont want them at his parties.

I'm not suprised you're annoyed! I would be livid!

As it happens dp's family all live away so don't have problems with them but my family are like that. I get on great with them but whenever we're having a BBQ or something, we just don't tell dd who is coming and wait and see as they are all so unreliable.

One particular time sticks in my mind when my sister (with tho boys), changed her mind at the last minute and then my mam said,"oh if the boys aren't coming it won't be the same"

I said, "what about my dd?????????"

DP and i are considering getting married in Las Vegas to avoid it all!!!

Sorry, that was my rant!

Don't feel guilty, you did you're best and they were inconsiderate.

My in-laws can be like this not always but more often than is just a case of it happening. It's selfish/rude/whatever but I try not to put myself in the position where they can treat us like that it's just my dh always sees the good in everyone not just his family who I think are all for themselves and don't give a === about him or anyone but themselves. Thanks for that I needed to let off steam as your posting reminded me of several occassions where I had similar experiences and one which I am not looking forward to as I think it will be the same again

I'm surprised you only went quiet! I'm afraid I would have said what I thought of them! Well done you anyway. You sound really nice and try not to worry about them. Hope the birthday wasn't spoilt too much.

Hi Lethal - you must be on a different time zone to us, either that or I'm very confused! Also it's not exactly BBQ here in stormy South England. Anyway don't feel upset honey, you're entitled to feel upset and it does insensitive people good to realise it! Happy Birthday to your ds

that should be dont feel upset that you feel upset

Thank you all for your responses, I'm still feeling v. annoyed about it today At least I know that others would've been angry about it as well.

Miriam I did think of making an excuse not to attend her daughter's birthday in August, but the only thing that bothers me is that ds would miss out... I'll wait and see, if she has a child's party then I'll probably let ds go, but otherwise we might make an excuse not to be there.

When I think back to ds' birthday last year, BIL and SIL turned up late for that too. Luckily there were a lot more family members here that day and a couple of friends as well, but I remember they arrived at least an hour late because my BIL had been working in the yard, and he turned up here with his stained old work clothes on!! A dirty old T-shirt & old shorts, like he'd just dragged himself away and couldn't be bothered changing. He is quite a self-centred person and SIL also has a tendency to only be concerned with things that affect her, although she can be very generous when she wants to. I think the whole attitude of ignoring what you tell them and just turning up when they want to, is pretty disgusting.

Sorry to confuse you Vict17, I am in another time zone. I think we're about 10 hrs ahead of the UK here .

I presume that this couple are your husband's brother/sister and spouse? In which case, could you get your dh to have a word about their behaviour and how insulting it is? It might be better coming from him. There's no point in trying out their own tactics on them. They sound so self-centred, they probably wouldn't notice.

message withdrawn

I'm not surprised that you were annoyed, just that you managed to be so restrained! Don't spend anymore time brooding over it, you can bet they're not and you'll just end up feeling worse. I agree with an earlier post - do something child centred or just with your nuclear family next year and save yourself the hassle. These people don't deserve to have you working hard for them.

Awww lethal no wonder you were annoyed. I've had friends and family behave like this and I don't bother inviting them anymore. I only invite my closest friends and family except for the boys parties where they invite their mates.
I'd be livid if I were you, they sound v self centred.

We had a boat party yesterday and a few people didn't bother replying at all. The rudness of people never fails to amaze me. 3 people who I'd allowed to come because they were related to my neighbour didn't even show up after saying they were coming. Myneighbour was embarassed and I'd catered for them too.
TBH I'm glad they didn't turn up as those that were there got on so well. They don't know what they missed though as the weather couldn't have been better even though it started out wet

brilliant stroke of genius from twiglett. i will have to learn that one! i would keep ds's birthday for yourselves and a few of his friends for the future, or ask your ds what he wants to do. after we asked our ds1 earlier this year we hired a 12 person boat for £30, took turns being pirates, had a walk and picnic. he had such a lovely time, he still talks about it 5 months later.

Blimey Twiglett, what a great idea! Lethal, you're in the right, I'd have been cross too.

I'd have been bloody furious and would also have had trouble hiding my annoyance. It's one thing letting you or your dh down but a 4 year old on his birthday that is outrageous. I agree with what Twiglett suggested.