how bad does this make me

[safeplace]

.

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Are you trying out a namechange?

hi,

i have changed my name. I have been thru alot in my time, and my father's partner has bnever cared or been there for me at all.

I have tried, and it has affected my relationship with my father. She is a very cold person, and have had 2 very life changing tings happen to me in the past 5 yrs, and even when we came into contact she never asked me how i was. At one time even said her friend was going thru something much worse by comparison, but again offered not one jot of heart towards my sitch.

Anyway, something has happened to her, and it invloves illness in one of her family.

I found, just fleetingly a thought go thru my head, that said 'see, look how you have acted, i am not surprised , you have a bad time happening to you'

this is very very unlike me. I wish absulotely no ill on the person who is ill, and had learnt to forgive and move on away from my father's partner, and not blame myslef for her attitude.

How can i think like that. My sister said a similar thing, like well what goes around comes around type thing.

I have been really upset by the whole deal, so sad for person who had the illness, but not for my father's partner.

Its just no right is it?

Just makes you human. Don't sweat it, you don't mean any harm, it sucks and if she really needed your support I'm sure you know that the most dignified thing to do is to give it.

Erm, I understand how you feel completely, but, sometimes it best to be the "better person". In a way (this is going to come out wrong!) you can't say anything if they don't seem to care about you, if you do exactly the same back. It is hard not to just go "stuff it, now you know how it feels" (not saying you're doing that!) but... you can rest knowing you are the person you really are, despite how you have been treated. It's always right to do the right things, if that makes sense. Rise above it.

Re-read your post, mine was refering to you sending the person flowers also, so doesn't really make sense now I have re-read yours!

hi I did give her a hug, but she stiffened up, literally. I have sent flowers and a card to the person who is ill.

I do feel for her, thiking about it, i do, but i am just sad and angry that she knows how soft hearted i am but has never ever let me in.

Some people are just...cold like that. I beat myself up about MIL, bent over backwards and now I see, no matter what I do it's just not going to click between us. Just rest easy knowing you haven't been horrid to her, or said or done anything nasty, and that you have tried to make it work. Ball seems to be in her court, just take a few deep breathes and move on. I was always getting myself in a state about MIL, and now she is really make a bed for herself and to be honest I am glad I didn't completely pick away every bit of pride I had before I realised some people are a lost cause. {{hugs}} xXx

It doesn't make you a bad person, just because this person is going through a bad time, it doesn't automatically erase the past, you are human of course you can't help but remember how she treated you when you needed support.

OK everyone will think I'm a callous bitch for what I have to say next, my SIL was really truly and utterly evil to me when I had given birth to dd2, she came and stayed with us on the pretence of 'helping out' and never lifted a finger.
I cried for the entire six months she stayed with us, and became really ill with it all..... Anyway, later on she got breast cancer, I wouldn't wish anything like this on anyone, truly, as I have lost very close relatives to cancer, but a part of me was like, actually this has nothing to do with me, and I do't want to make nice with you just because you are going through a hard time now, you are still that horrible person who made my life hell in my own home and then returned to your own home and spread evil lies about me amongst my inlaws.
Just because she was ill did not mean the past could be erased, I can forgive, but I can't forget and am never putting myself in a position where I have to dance attendance to her ever again.
Dh wanted her to come and stay with us to recover, I offered to divorce him and then she could live with him forever......

one time yrs ago, i was very ill, had a nervous breakdown. my dad reluctantly said i could go and stay a few dyas with him. I was embarrassed to be having to go to him. On the first morning she left the house, left me there, and told me there were ingredients in the kitchen to make my own tea as i was a vegetarian.

not one other word.

i got upset, rang my dad, and he sided with her. he could not understand how i felt rejected. This was prob the only time i tried to stand up for myslef.

ROFL at your last sentence FuzzyWuzzy. Everything you say is so true. My SIL is also a piece of work - it was partly thanks to her lies that I was estranged from my parents for nearly two years. However, when she had a miscarriage, I went straight down with flowers and best wishes because it was the right thing to do.

That's not to say that there was no devil on my shoulder making remarks in my ear! I didn't feel guilty for a second - I'm only human and she was hateful to me. I did the right thing not because her opinion of me mattered but because I'm not the kind of person to ignore such a terrible thing.

Safeplace - I think you can move on from the situation by being the bigger person. However you must stop waiting for her to respond and "let you in". Sounds like this is very unlikely - just as it's your nature to not hold a grudge, it's probably her nature to remain "cold".

crossed posts - she does sound very uncaring safeplace But you must remember that you does not have a duty to show you love just because you are her DP's daughter. It would be lovely if she did but it's not something I think you can expect from her.

In your shoes, I would probably cease to make the effort on a regular basis - simply because it's a waste of your emotion. There are some people who can continue to pour love on "cold fishes" and not feel hard done by - I however am not one of them as you might have guessed!

You sound like a lovely and very caring person - I would save that up for people who are prepared to give some of that back.

C&C I was utterly serious, the thought of being under the same roof as that woman makes my skin crawl.

We paid for her treatment and everything, and I would ring them regularly to speak to my other SIL to see how the evilbitchfromhell was doing, but I see no reason to ring her and be nice to her, I don't like her and I do not care who knows it, nobody can say I have ever done anything horrible to the EBFH, they can't say I've said anythign horrid about her either, unless they are MNers..... Of course it helps me that she lives in India and has no way to come over unless we pay for her and that wont happen even if hell freezes over.

God fuzzy - it's not something you threaten lightly so she must have been truly awful . I have said the same to DH if I ever have to be under the same roof as his mother but that's a whole other thread

Unlike safeplace, I've been through all the "Why is she so mean to me when I've been so nice to her?" stuff so I'm aware that I sound pretty dismissive of those feelings. But I do remember how heart-wrenching it was to keep going over and over events in my mind and wondering what I could have done differently to give me the outcome I've wanted.

I think once you come to terms with the fact that you won't get the outcome you want safeplace, you might find it easier to bear her lack of emotion towards you. Do you think this is something you can try?