Adoption bombshell. Well, not a bombshell really, just something that has left me feeling....?

[Winestein]

I have just had some hoops to jump through to try and get my first passport. I don?t know whether they will accept that I just don?t know where I was born, or whether I will have to try and do some tracing. I was adopted as a baby in 1970 after my (adoptive) brother was in 1968. We had different birth certificates. His had all of his details on it? his original name, place and time of birth, parents names etc etc and mine had nothing other than my birthday and my parents as my adoptive parents and that was that.

I have lived for 36 years with this knowledge. I know a tiny bit about my birth mother but nothing to speak of. I have never been interested in tracing her, and never once shown an inclination to do so.

Last night on the phone, after talking to my mum about my passport debacle, and possibly having to postpone my planned holiday she started to say that she had done a terrible thing and she had to admit it. She said that she had destroyed all the information with my original details on. My birth mothers name, my place of birth, the whole kit and caboodle.

I didn?t even know there was any information with this on. My brother?s has always been in the open, and I have always accepted that I don?t have mine. That was fine ? not an issue. Now I know that there was. I first thought she had destroyed it, say back in my teenage years, when my brother was talking of looking for his natural parents, but she destroyed it just last year. She said it was nothing I had done and she didn?t know why she had done it, but that it was driven by her insecurity.

I feel sort of hollow. I can?t get the name Lisa out of my head (it was my name, the only thing my mum can remember). I feel like I have lost something and I don?t understand why. I never had the information so why am I grieving it?

I don?t know what I am hoping for by writing this here. Perhaps someone can tell me what it is I?m feeling because I really don?t know. I can?t talk to anyone about it in real life as a) something feels so raw and b) everyone would turn the spotlight on my mum, and I know I can?t blame her ? everyone has their insecurities.

I think I feel hurt.

I think I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading. Thanks for not noticing that I haven't once left the country in 36 years. Unless you count Scotland last December. Off to eat my childs easter eggs now whilst he's napping.

Jeez winestein I don't have anything helpful to add but just you poor thing, what an odd thing for your dm to do. Enjoy the chcolate.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt. Sounds totally understandable.

Are you also worried because you need to find out those details now (because the passport thing is forcing the issue) rather than doing it at your own pace iyswim?

No wonder you are feeling hurt, your mum has been holding a piece of the jigsaw that makes up your life and she decided to throw it away before you could decide if you wanted to complete the puzzle. I think you are being incredibly strong and mature for not being really angry with her. If you think about it she didn't really 'own' those details, the information was yours and she was only looking after it, so had no right to destroy it.

Keeping eating the chocolate and being so strong!

Thanks Carmenere. It was a bit odd, but she is being particularly hard on herself - she doesn't know why she did it, and she has issues over not being able to have children herself.

Just one more mini egg then....

Foxinsox - if it isn't accepted that I don't know where I was born I think I will have to apply to the court where I was adopted. I'm more worried that I just won't be able to get them and have to cancel not only my holiday (with my mum to see my brother in Florida) in June, but the planned trip to see Nanny in New Zealand at the end of the year.
I wouldn't have cared two jots about the info... had I have had it IYKWIM

Roberta - I think you are right there. Not having the information and knowing it was there all along makes me want it now whereas I didn;t want it before.

I really doubt Lisa is the only thing she can remember tbh - you don't take drastic action like that and not have obsessed over details at some point.

She must be feeling pretty vulnerable, and it must be a shock for you too.

I think is only reasonable to feel annoyed but give your mum some time, I'm sure she will remember more about those details than she currently claims to. She may have been trying to protect your from something she thought may upset you.

Regarding the passport, I'm sure there should be a way to replace the documents and perhaps you don't even need that info to get a new passport, there should be a document that made your adoption oficial and on which your new name and identity is based, is just a matter of finding more about dates, and place these docs originated from to get them replaced

oh dear Winestein - I hope you can get it then. Aren't there agencies set up now to help people find out these sorts of details?

i understand your feelings. you may be feeling a bit powerless, and also that it wasn't her information to throw away. it may have seemed kinder to not have told you i suppose.
did you want to make contact with birth family or just the comfort of knowing who they were?
i have a passport and due to similar circumstances i don't have much family info so unless things have changed you don't need that info. think i needed birth certificate.

Winestein, you can find your original birth certificate. It used to be at Somerset house I think. I can't think of it now, but I will remember. They have special folders you can look through for it.

I am adopted and jumped through many hoops, when 21, I am 37 now and I managed to get mine.

Oh Winestein, I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this position. I gave my dd up for adoption 2o years ago in August but have to say the adoption agency I went through here in Ireland were quite supportive, insofar as they were mediators, I was extremly fortunate as I got to meet my dd's parents and by and large things where handled very well.

I can understand in one respect your dm's actions, only to the point that it sounds, things could have been handled better re social workers etc back then but were not.

Although I would have no objection to my daughter coming to find me, I have had to be realistic and assume, she may want to meet me, may just want to get some back ground as to her past or may just want some information. Or may not.

I truly admire you for being so strong and mature about this. Is there maybe any chance that you would consider some counselling. I'm not sure about the relevent agencies in the Uk but we have Bernardo's in Ireland for all adoption related matters.

Sorry if my post has rambled on a bit, I do hope you find some resiloution, I really do.

I found a link here

Meowmix - She doesn't remember my surname, but I was Lisa Jane, and she said the place where I was born sounded like it was in Wales. She had told me other stuff about my birth mother all through my life. Some of it by accident, but that was ok - she had told me. You're right. I am in a bit of shock. And my mum is very vulnerable - my dad died just before Christmas and I love her too much to be angry - I feel something though and I thought sleeping on it last night would help me work out what it was and it hasn't.

Chandra - I lost my original certificate with my adoptive parents on it and have a replacement which is a certified copy of an entry into the adopted childrens register. That is generally accepted as a birth certificate, but once adopted, the districts become the district where you were adopted, not born.

Onlyjoking - I don;t want to make contact. I would have just have liked to have known. I have had my options taken away - just a piece of the jigsaw as Roberta said. Interesting what you say about the passport - cross your fingers for me?

Sorry meant to add, it doesn't help the emotional side of this. But hopefully you will get your birth cert and then you can get a passport.

I can understand your Mums actions, funnily enough. My Mum didn't really ever give me too much info other than that my BM was too ill to look after me. Perhaps she knew that she was dead by the time I was 7, I have no idea.

In those days, people were not backed up by social workers, counselling, they were given the baby and told to get on with it. So that's what these women did. You can't blame her for it really at all. She got her beautiful babies and wanted to love them. Further on she probably didn't want anything to spoil her lovely family.

WS, I have just read your last post and they will accept your revised certificate for a passport.

Sorry sorry sorry, I am trying to multi task here with dinner and haven't read all of this thread.

Winestein

I do family tree and subscribe to the birth marriage and death register, if you want to email me with any details you have got, I can have a look for you if you want. found Friends Birth mother that way.

[email protected]

Thanks for the link UCM - unfortunately I phoned them on the advice of the passport office and they said that unless I knew something about my former self/mother they couldn't help me.
Fair enough I thought... that was a week ago and now I know I might have had the info! Sigh.

Mhaimi, it's all different now (since 1982 wasn't it?). Now you have the right to your natural parents information where as in my day it's not the case.

This is the silly thing - I didn't want to know. She had undoubtedly moved on with her life in any case as I understand the circumstances of my being. Now I think, helped by having a child myself, that this person had given me a name. I feel like I am missing a bit of me now.
As for counselling, I have a great way of clamming up and hiding my feelings face to face.
I like your thoughts on whether your daughter will want to meet you by the way. You sound lovely

lol UCM. Multi-tasking I do understand! I know my mum is very insecure - she had to have a hysterectomy at a very young age and it makes her feel incomplete. When I was taking my dad for chemo when I was pregnant I was a bit ratty with my mum (you know - nothing special, just the way females can be after a week together!) and she said that I loved dad more than her as I had two mums but only one dad. Upon questioning her on this latest outburst of madness, she said that she had thought I knew. Knew what mum? Knew that your birth mum didn't really know your dad and that he was a one night stand and she didn't know his name. I had tears of laughter rolling down my face when thanking her for breaking the news to me gently!
My mum could have really done with some counselling back then, but what she was given was valium!

Everyone get why I'm not angry with her?

Shosha - thanks very much for the offer I will email you if I come unstuck with the passport (although it seems from other people I might be ok)

Thanks all for your messages. I do feel a bit better just having got it off my chest, and it is good to see everyones point of view. However, the squeaking upstairs means DS has awoken from his slumber, so looks like I'm off the computer til this evening.

Thanks again
Happy Bank Holiday!

Thankyou Weinsteine for such a lovely compliment. Enjoy the rest of your weekend too.

Mhamai, I never knew that you were a birth mother. All I can say is that as an adopted child, I really really understand that women who do this are truly looking out for their children. It's such an unselfish thing to do and if you are ever contacted, I really hope that your dd appreciates it.

Can't put it into words but I take my hat off to you.

WS, I can't understand that as I got a passport with my birth certificate which had my adoptive parents on it. I didn't have to use my original details at all. Is there a possibility that you were mis informed?

Thanks UCM. I just knew that having two children under two as would have been the case and living at home with an often volitile df, well that my dd deserved better. I felt enormous guilt back then because believe me I got more than my fair share of comments like "how could you?" etc etc but I truly believe that one act was my biggest act of love for her. Oh sod it, I'm filling up now but thanks.

Do you think she did it because of you having ds now? I can see how that would increase insecurities, and bring old ones up again.

Hope you get the passport sorted.