I hate being a mum...

[Blondeinhk]

I'm sorry, especially to all the women on here who would kill to be mothers but I've hit an all new low and I need to write it down to vent if nothing else.
I hate being a mum, it has ruined my life and everything I had planned to do with my life.
I'd always wanted what I have now DH and DD who is 2.5 but not at the time it happened. It was too early and I hadn't got everything ticked off that I'd wanted to do pre children, and now I'm stuck in a prison sentence for the next 15 and a half years before I get set free.
As much as I'd always wanted a daughter, when I found out I was pregnant I wanted an abortion, but DP persuaded me to keep her and that nothing would have to change, I could still go back to work and do all the things I wanted to do with my life.
So I kept her. And to be honest I think I had pre natal depression as well as pnd because I spent most of my pregnancy in tears wondering what the hell I'd done. I even contemplated throwing myself down the stairs one day to try and have a miscarriage and tell everyone I'd slipped so they wouldn't think I was an evil monster!
I did develop pnd and was put on anti depressants which didn't make me happy, they just made me numb and not cry all the time. My turning point came when I went back to work when DD was 13 months old. I became my old self again, came off the pills and loved getting away for a few days and having a break and feeling like "me" again and not just someone's mum.
Anyway we have since had to emigrate 6000 miles away to Asia for DH's job and so now my life has become everything I always dreaded it would...I'm a sahm, and I HATE my life and everything about it. I hate being at home, I hate that I worked so hard for my degree and in my job that I loved to be stuck at home like some fucking 1950s housewife without a brain cell between my ears doing morning but cooking, cleaning, nappies and the rest. DH is away a lot with work as well so it's just me an DD 70% of the time so I never get a break. The tantrums have driven me over the edge along with constantly cleaning and asking her to listen or put her toys away and nothing happening.
Today I hit an all time low...I threw her favourite toy in the store room and told her it had gone in the bin after she threw it (despite being asked I don't even know how many times not to throw toys) and knocked my cuppa everywhere, great another mess to clean up! She was distraught but I genuinely didn't care. Some days like today when I feel the pnd creep up on me again I get so cold towards her and can go for hours without speaking to her apart from when she's getting fed and changed.
She is normally the sweetest, most loving and caring little girl and I do love her deep down but I'm just so worried I'm going to damage her emotionally and she deserves so much more than the mum I am to her.
Despite me once telling her I'd had enough and was going to go away and never come back when her daddy came home from work and find her a new mummy she told me she didn't want a new mummy and it just breaks my heart, sometimes I do wonder if she'd be better off if I just left and DH could find her a new mummy that does truly love her 100% of the time because I know deep down I resent her for ruining my life, even though it was my choice to keep her. I just don't want to hurt her or emotionally scar her but no matter how hard I try I can't stop the dark days creeping up on me when it all gets too much. She deserves a happy, loving childhood and I just worry I can't give that to her and how she deserves better.
Sorry for the rant and the long post.

Please please please go to your GP and do not leave until you get some help.
This situation needs to change.

Are you isolated OP? Do you know people there? Any chance of getting her into a daycare for some clearly much needed hours off for you?

I dont think its being a mum thats the problem .Moving 6000 miles and knowing no one would be hell for most people. Please dont blame your little one. Can ye move back where ye have more suppirt and where you can work. Also this wont last forever. I was a sahm with my young dc then went back to work and completely reestablished my career. All that will happen. Please move nearer family and get some support.

From your post it looks like you don't have a problem with maternity but with how your whole family life turned out.
I wouldn't go anti-depressants way, but rather sort out your family life.
You need to have a life outside the home from the looks of it and you should have that.
You should be able to have a job and not be lumbered with single parenting constantly.
It's not her you should resent but your husband.
I mean, talk to him and discuss how his job choices have had an impact on your life.
He wanted the baby but he's not sacrificing anything for her and he's making you take a full time role that you never wanted.
Focus on where the problem is, and it's not your DD.
Get counselling. Talk to him. Get your life back to how you want it.

He's a fab husband and dad, he was home when I went back to work but we struggled financially and now he's working we can get ourselves back on track financially, it's my turn to support him as he did with me.
It won't be forever, only a few years until she's at school and I can work part time. I got accepted onto a distance learning course but until she's in school I just won't have the time to do the work.
When he's home he does 90% of the childcare to give me a break to be fair to him.
I guess it's just a feeling deep down that I'll never shake of all the things that I wanted to do with life but I never got to do.

Oh OP poor you, what a situation.
I agree with seeing your doctor to start with - can't hurt and you sound like maybe you need some objective support.

What are the things you wanted to do? You keep referencing these so I think this is an important part of the problem to look at - are they completely out of the question now and for the next 15 years?

It seems to me that even if it didn't make sense financially that you should go back to work for your mental health and find child care of some sort, even if you lose some money.

Your mental health is important as is your relationship with your daughter. You might end up hating her.
She won't suffer from being in child care and your mental health could improve massively without the need for antidepressants.

Could your OH reduce on his business trips, btw? 70% of the time being alone is not good if you're struggling.

Have you considered taking up a hobby or something? I know it's tricky with little ones in the house but it really does help one feel productive. I have two under four so admittedly don't get much time/space for hobbies but recently took up writing (much easier than the stuff I used to do as it doesn't require any stuff really). It helps me feel more relaxed at the end of the day. It may also be worth cobsidering nursery/a nanny. They are really full on at that age (although don't worry, at around three they suddenly improve). The most important thing is not to beat yourself up about it. So long as she is well cared for it doesn't matter if you don't enjoy it, she won't be able to tell the difference. Everyone feels that way sometimes-I do, even though I love being a SAHM but even then, at thread of the day the constant noise and the touching just does my head in.

Wherehastherumgone I wanted to travel, I wanted to be able to climb he career ladder in my profession (which involves a lot of travel to get where I wanted to be) before I had children so by the time I had them I'd done with the messing about and could be in a more stable, perhaps even office based, role. Career and travel wise will be on hold until high school where she'll be able to look after herself on an evening if neither of us is home.
Lweji my current visa doesn't allow me to work so at the moment getting a job here is not an option. Work wise my other half is a short haul pilot, we thought this would mean him coming home every night but the luck of the draw with his work schedule has meant he has been away more than we'd anticipated, it's not his fault, he works bloody hard and long hours in dangerous weather when it's typhoon season. His job has also meant we've just been able to fly to Mauritius business class on our honeymoon so I can't be ungrateful for what moving here has allowed us to do as a family and not just what it has meant I've had to put on hold personally. Hopefully it will get better with the work pattern but that's out of our control.
Ttbb childcare like childminders do not exist in Hong Kong, to my knowledge anyway, and we are on a waitlist for an international nursery place, my only other option would be to have a Phillipino woman live with me as my domestic helper but I do not like the idea of a stranger found by an agency living in my house or being left alone with my child, plus while I'm not working it makes no sense to spend money when that's my job at the moment! Having something for myself was why I'd applied for the distance learning masters degree but until DD is in nursery I can't waste all that money if I don't have the time to dedicate to it.
To be honest now I've re read my post I sound like an absolute drama queen, and those moment are few and far between, nowhere like when I had full blown pnd and I think having been stuck inside all week with 2 typhoons has just driven me to the edge and I'm having post holiday blues adjusting from having DH around to help 24/7 to being back to reality and not even being able to take DD to the park or swimming to run her energy off.

Couldn't he get a job elsewhere that doesn't involve long distance travel?

Has he even looked?

Oh sweetheart - you are not a bad mum. It was 2 years before my pnd was even diagnosed. The good news is that there is help out there.

Can you consider some part time work just to get some breathing space? Your dd would probably enjoy time spent with other people as well. I didn't do this but I regret it now.

It's not forever and it might not seem like it now but these years fly by and you will (I promise!) Look back and miss them.

Xx

Sorry - had not seen your second post. The masters would not be a waste of money at all. Even if you did it at a snail's pace it's something for you. Either that or voluntarily work? Would your visa allow that? Yes you'd have to pay for childcare but in terms of future employment I'd see that as an investment