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Original poster

do you ever feel like you lost the bond with your first?

13 replies

nightowl · 12/07/2004 05:05

this is something that's bothered me for a while. my ds was prem and it took us a long time to bond, more so when his daddy left when he was 1 1/2. we were inseperable after that. i always felt like it was us against the world and i didnt need anyone else...i had him. he was my life and my everything. since i had dd i feel this has changed somewhat. i feel guilty for loving and spending so much of my time with another little person. i feel like im leaving him out and we dont have our little chats, as many hugs as we used to. every time i pick her up even i feel like im neglecting him. its just the three of us but i feel like my little boy is growing up and although he doesnt say anything or show any jealousy i feel like there's something wrong...he doesnt seem to be as close to me as he was. i love them both as much, in different ways but im constantly feeling guilty. is this normal?

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fairyfly · 12/07/2004 05:19

Goodness me, to even feel like that, he will see in your eyes,it is sooo loving. i don't say a lot to my babbas ... all kids want is love and kisses. I have an elder boy who is 5 and a little 3 year old . What i do at every step is.... huggie time, i know at night we will all kiss and hug and stroke. older boy gets jealous constantly but i make a joke out of it and tell him he has to hug his stinking brother

Original poster

nightowl · 12/07/2004 05:52

maybe part of me thinks that he's hurting but he wont tell me for fear of upsetting me (the poor little lamb always seems to think that im fragile and that he has to look after me, the "man of the house" kind of thing) this saddens me because he should be a child, not feel like he should be an adult. i feel like perhaps he thinks he should just deal with it himself and not bother me. sometimes he looks so sad but then he goes off and does his own thing. he loves his sister dearly but im sure he feels left out. ive always brought him up to be able to talk to me. where have i gone wrong? i dont want him to feel alone....i wanted the opposite, i thought it would be good for him to have a brother or sister.

OP posts:

Turquoise · 12/07/2004 05:57

How old is he Nightowl?

Original poster

nightowl · 12/07/2004 06:00

hes 7 turquoise but very grown up 7

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Turquoise · 12/07/2004 06:09

Do you get the chance to leave dd with anyone else and have special times just with him? Is he happy in his life generally, at school etc? Sorry if I've missed other threads. But at seven his own horizons may be expanding in terms of friends, school, sports etc. Does he still see his dad? It sounds as if the relationship between you two has been so intense that the birth of dd would be a huge deal for BOTH of you in terms of that relationship? If he doesn't show any resentment towards her, that must be a good indication. Please don't take this the wrong way - but could he almost be feeling subconsciously that the pressure's off him slightly, that it's not just the two of you any more? The "man of the house" thing - if you have another child to deal with he can go off and do his own thing. It's just another angle to look at it from, as he sounds highly intelligent.

Ghosty · 12/07/2004 11:25

Nightowl .... I know EXACTLY how you feel ...
I struggled to bond with DS when he was born due to various reasons too. A bond came from about 6 months and like you by the time he was 2 he was my everything ... my special boy, my mate, my companion ... (I am in a stable relationship with my DH, DS' father but DS has always been a 'mummy's boy'.
The guilt I felt for DS when I had DD 5 months ago was overwhelming. Especially because I fell in love with DD from the moment I saw her and it hurts so much that I didn't feel like that for DS in the early days. I even got to a point at about 3 months when I asked my HV whether it was possible to have PND twice with the same child as any feelings of sadness after the birth of DD were only to do with DS and not DD ... not sure if that makes sense???
It has been especially hard as DS has been going through that awful '4 year old stage' that all boys apparently go through.
The only thing I have been able to do to make life easier to handle for DS is to give him as much time as possible when my time is not taken up with DD. I explain to him that I can't do x,y or z NOW as I am dealing with DD but I will do it when I am finished and then I really make sure that I DO whatever I promised.
Poor DD doesn't really get much of a look in when she isn't feeding or being changed because I let her play under her baby gym while I do x,y or z with DS. And I definitely make sure that I spend time with him when she is asleep.
In the last month or so I feel that I am getting him back. He has stopped being angry/sad so often and now that DD is bigger and more able to entertain herself for a bit he enjoys making her laugh and playing with her.
Other little things that help:
DS and I always eat lunch together when DD is asleep so that he has my undivided attention...
I let him help my prepare DD's food and give it to her now she is on solids so that he feels involved...
Having his friends round to play (without their mums) also helps as he has a playmate for a couple of hours and it gives me a break from playing with him...
Keeping him up for a bit AFTER the baby has gone down for the night so that we can do stories/cuddle in front of a DVD together ...
I hope some of this helps ...
Hugs {{{{{}}}}}
Gxxx

handlemecarefully · 12/07/2004 16:56

Yes I do feel like this sometimes. My oldest is just a big baby herself (23 months old) and she now has a 12 week old baby brother. I am so conscious of the fact that I can't spend so much time reading to her, playing with her etc than I did before, and I feel that she is missing out (and I am crippled with guilt). My solution is to leave baby ds with his dad sometimes at the weekend whilst I take dd out on a one to one with me. I realise this isn't an option for you - but do you have a close friend who might occasionally mind your daughter for you so that you could do this?

The other thing I do is remind myself that I have given my daughter the gift of a sibling. Something she will be very glad of at various times in her life.

Original poster

nightowl · 13/07/2004 02:08

thanks all, there's some great suggestions here and its nice to know im not the only one. i think i will see if someone could look after her maybe for the day sometime in the holidays so i can spend some time with ds. i really miss how we used to be.

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midden · 13/07/2004 02:20

I miss my ds too and will always remember the special time we had before my dd came along. So much of what you said brought me to tears, I feel a stab of guilt when dd wants lifted and cuddled and I see ds face drop. I think with my two it is their personalities, ds is so placid and dd is such a force and so demanding.

Getting somone to have your dd for the day sounds a great idea, you will be able to really chat to your ds and maybe even get an idea of his feelings on all this too.

Hope it all goes well for you nightowl. xx

hovely · 14/07/2004 00:15

oh yesss, and I also feel that some days all dd hears from me is 'no, don't, be gentle, stop' etc. I don't know how much of it is her age - she is 2.8 - so inevitably starting to become more boisterous and independent and contrary - and how much of it is her becoming 'toughened up' to a mummy who is just cross and tired all the time. I feel so sad that she never so much as heard a raised voice until ds arrived 6 months ago and since then she doesn't go a day without being ticked off one way or another . Must be even harder for you when your time alone with ds has been longer if he is 7 now (don't know how old your dd is). However the love that your children can have for each other is a totally new dimension to his world, and hopefully it will last for both their lives (ungrammatical but I hope you KWIM).

handlemecarefully · 14/07/2004 01:17

Hovely,
"I feel so sad that she never so much as heard a raised voice until ds arrived 6 months ago and since then she doesn't go a day without"....

I so know what you mean

nutcracker · 14/07/2004 01:46

Yes or i wonder if i ever had it in the first place.
It's weird cos Dd2 was loads more difficult than Dd1 but i have bonded with her and Ds really well.
I just find it soo hard to have a good relationship with DD1 and i hate it.

Today she was crying cos Dd2 had done something or other too her and she wouldn't even let me comfort her, she just stomped off to her room.

I think we just manage to rub each other up the wrong way. I will never stop trying to make our relationship better but i think it will always be strained

Original poster

nightowl · 14/07/2004 03:33

this is so true about the tellings off..."leave her alone" "dont pick her up" "stop making a mess" "im doing something, you'll have to wait" "look, im feeding the baby" etc, etc. when i first had her i was very depressed about the whole situation aswell so that must have been hard for him. i cried for weeks.

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