WHAT AGE GAPS DO PEOPLE HAVE?

[ash6605]

Considering baby no.3.
Have a son aged 7 and a half,dd aged 3 and a half.would absolutely love another-fell pregnant a few months ago,it was a complete surprise not planned at all had thought we were happy with just the two.never the less we were over the moon,had to totally re plan our future as i'm due to start uni in september,our house it tiny,money not great and i suffer with terrible PND from dd.
but couldn't wait,neither could the kids-we told them at twelve weeks then lost the baby the week after.

obviously we were all totally gutted-kids said never mind we'll get another one!
this was just before xmas and me and hubby have only just got our heads around things,didn't want to ttc straight after but have now started to be a bit more relaxed in the contraception dept.

i just worry about the age gap mainly though,i think a girl wouldn't be as much of a problem-age gap would be 4 and a half years ish-obviously thats assuming it happened soon which i know may not.a boy would be harder though-an 8 and a halfish year gap-theyd have nothing in comman,would it work?
i know you can't choose sex,i suppose i'm hoping you'll all say it'll be fine go for it but i'd rather have honest answers.

sorry for the long boring rant,just totally confused,my heart tells me to go for it but my head screams no.

BTW i am only 27 so have many baby making years ahead of me but i'd rather the age gap didn't get any bigger TBH

No age gap will ever be the "perfect" one. Mine are 10 years apart (2nd marriage) - sometimes it's heaven ("my sister is soooo cute - here let me bath her"), sometimes it's hell ("get OFF my things, Mum get her OUT of my room")

There is never a "right" time re size of house/income etc.

The best thing is to go with your heart - but perhaps with the caution to just be really honest with yourself, I hope this doesn't sound horrible, but make sure you are not trying to replace the one you lost? Particularly as you were not trying for another, does part of you perhaps feel almost guilty, if that's the right word? Probably too strong a ward - I don't mean guilty as in the reason for the loss, but guilty that you'd made a decision then it was taken out of your hands and you now want to put things back again?

Kids really close in age can have nothing in common - my friend still doesn't like her sister much.

So long as you can still feed and clothe them, that covers the "head" bit so now listen to your heart.

Good luck!

Not offended at all,you could be right about replacing the one i lost.we had never planned a third because PND was so bad with dd-that was the major factor as it scared us both so much and didn't dare go down that road again,even though we both would have loved another.

having said that my dd was a"replacement" for my first m/c and i would never be without her now she is my world so is it such a bad thing IYKWIM?

m/c was over 3 months now,we have left it this long to decide as i know you can make irrational decisions in those early days but now i feel my heads more screwed on.irronicaly my depression went away when i stopped my meds during the recent pregnancy and ive never felt better since(obviously greiving for the baby,sadness etc but not the depths of depression i used to feel)

I feel for you - I have a friend who is beginning to recover from PND at the moment - it sounds truly horrible, and I can understand why you would feel scared to risk it again.

I still have days when I can't decide whether to go for no 3 or not - I suppose the only thing I've learned, is to imagine life with the 2 you have, then imagine life with another (thinking about both sexes). Then think about if that "other" scenario never happens, would you feel a loss, or just a "well, it would have been nice"? If you found out your best friend was pregnant, would you only feel pleased for her, or would you also feel a pang of jealousy and wish it was you?

Think about the things you do at the moment, and how another child would affect those - if money is tight, would it put too much strain on your relationship to have another now? Realistically think about what extra costs would be involved - eg how much baby equipment you still have/could borrow, do you have any hand me downs from both kids or did you get rid of them all? Do you go on holidays?

I'm afraid I can't wave a wand and give you the answer, but I hope I've given you some things to think about.

All the best.

bump