disorder in court

[Willow2]

Just been sent this by a girlfriend - sorry if you've all heard it but it made me lol.

Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,
and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters
who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place

The first one is a killer and I love the oral responses too. I recently received a load of 'putting men down' statements and questions in a similar vein but most are a bit rude, I wouldn't want to offend. Here's one of the less rude ones:

How do you know if a man is well hung?

You can just about fit your finger inside the rope.

Willow2, I particularly love the 3 at the end about autopsies - you can just HEAR the withering tones of the doctor concerned!

Not court related but in a similar vein.

English Explained

Woman's English

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe
sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others.

This one was sent to me by a female friend and i don't agree with all of them.

Man of the Year - superb men have been thinking this for ages

The Man of the 21st Century
The man fights back!! Tell your ladies, the 90's man is dead...
Long live 21st Century Man.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is...

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
**
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
Do you hear us complain when it's down and we have to lift it up?
**
Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
**
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present... again.
**
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
**
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
**
Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
**
Shopping is not a sport.
**
Window shopping is not a hobby.
**
Anything connected with power tools is a hobby.
**
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
**
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to respond to it.
**
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
**
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
**
Families are best kept at a distance not invited around on a daily basis.
**
Most blokes own two or three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
**
'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
**
A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
**
Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
**
Televisions are meant to be big.
**
Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
**
Automatic cars do not steer themselves. You need to look out of the big window at the
front to be able to do this, not out of the side windows at the shops/scenery/pretty houses.
**
Gardening requiring anything less than a bobcat lacks vision.
**
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
**
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
**
All comments become null and void after 2 days.
**
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look
jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
**
The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
**
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
**
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
**
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
**
When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does
not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
**
Grilled, poached or sushi style fish is poisonous.
The only way to cook a fish is in a deep fat fryer.
**
If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it.
You can just taste it if you like but don't say
"No I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
**
Dieting doesn't work without exercise. The magazines you read are incorrect on this count.
**
Losing weight is easily achieved by a visit to a good curry house.
**
If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
**
When we offer a massage, the correct response is to refuse but ask for the "extras".
**
The volume of a burp defines how good the meal was.
**
Don't believe anything about relationships printed in a women's magazine.
Do we believe what we read about relationships in men's magazines?
**
A man's four essential food groups are: meat, beer, meat pies and beer.
Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in
good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
**
Do not question our sense of direction.
**
Any wine list that has more that house red, house white and beer on it is your responsibility.
**
Maps are meant to be read with North at the top of the page.
**
Vegetables and other 'garnish' foods are optional with a Sunday roast.
**
Telephone conversations convey all the relevant information in less
than 20 seconds. Conversations longer are for the pub.
**
Farts are really, really funny.

Perfect day for a woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man:

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel
7:00 Watch CNBC Newsflash. Greenspan cuts interest rates.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room. Laugh yourself to sleep.

Thanks Willow2, that cheered me up I was feeling totally fed up.

Simonhoward, I have just peed myself laughing at your post, think I will show this to dh as I know he will appreciate it

Simon Howard

GENIUS! And sadly true

Thought you might like this one .....

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,

naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to

trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of

her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gen! tly aging but still a warm

and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past

mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are

unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all

conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is,
but

no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

Was sent this by my boss, and was getting more and more annoyed with him, until the end!

LOL thumper

According to this I should be India but feel more like Russia most of the time. I think the man bit is true though

I think they got the age ranges mixed up.

India should be from 31 to 55

creep!

Q. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom wall?
A. One, but you have to slice him verrry thinly...

Love it

Mollipops

You are obviously choosing the economy range of man to tile your room with then

Message withdrawn