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Original poster

Sorry, Was it Mothers Day or MILs Day?

13 replies

TreadmillMom · 21/03/2007 10:40

I have to ask the question, as I am really not sure.
Okay so I am intelligent enough to realise the day is purely about commercialisation and holds no place on the Christian calendar but I am still vexed at not being acknowledged.
DH and DSs went to MILs on ?Mothers? Day from 10:30am to 8:30pm armed with fresh tulips, a card and a gift of money.
I spent the day alone, oh I had my duster and hoover for company and cleaned every room in the house, which took me approx 4 hours. I did however enjoy a hot shower all to myself and then climbed into bed for a well-deserved sleep until they all came back home.
DSs made me the most gorgeous cards at school/nursery but if it were not for the Local Education Authority they would not of known the day was for their mom!
DH explained to them they were going to ?nannys? for Mothers Day to say a big thank you for her consistent love, kindness and generosity (not disrespecting her, she IS the perfect MIL and deserves to know our appreciation in full) but what about me?
Do our sons not need their father to reinforce their ?appreciation? of their own mommy?
I feel wholly neglected on so many counts, since giving birth to my first son 3.5yrs ago I have slowly disappeared as a shadowy figure into the background. I feel ?omni present?, without me so much would NOT happen, but no one sees it?

OP posts:

JanH · 21/03/2007 10:42

As she is the perfect MIL I wonder why she didn't say "but what about Mummy?"

That really sucks, TM

mumto3girls · 21/03/2007 10:43

Oh..I don't know what to say, but wanted to respond to your very sad post.
Questions - what was the reason fo you not going to your MILs with you DH and Dc's?
Does you DH know how you feel since the birth of your child?

How is you elationship with him on an eveyday basis?

ComeOVeneer · 21/03/2007 10:45

That is rotten. I would seriously sit dh down tonight and have a long talk about this, really for you.

Saturn74 · 21/03/2007 10:49

Hmm... your DH has a LOT of making up to do, IMO.
How about celebrating 'Mother's Day Part II - When DH Makes Amends', next Sunday?

snowleopard · 21/03/2007 10:50

Poor you TM - I can so feel your indignation from your post. My DP is clueless and does nothing for mother's day and I'm OK with that, but if I'd had to endure MIL getting all the accolades and still getting nothing, I would have been really upset too. At least my DP's mum gets short shrift too!

Your last parahraph is so telling. You're just the background worker who makes everything run smoothly. I know that feeling - but I'm perhaps not quite as background as you because every so often (about once a month in fact - when I have PMT ) I blow up at DP about him not appreciating or even noticing everything I do - thereby keeping him on his toes.

However, though your children may not think of your needs - that's not their job - you can bet they love you and when they're old enough they will appreciate what a great mum you are.

I would talk to DP - when you've calmed down - and explain you felt unappreciated on mother's day, and generally. Tell him you really would love him to make more of an effort to make you feel appreciated. He probably has no idea.

fireflyfairy2 · 21/03/2007 10:51

Are they your sons? Or Step sons? [Not that it should really make a difference]

totaleclipse · 21/03/2007 10:52

Hmmmm seek your revenge on Fathers day............I would.

Hattiecat · 21/03/2007 10:58

Oh TM I really feel for you. since dh and i have been together, we have always split ourselves on mother's day - he went to his and i went to mine. his always kicked up a fuss that she didn't see me (err why should she, she's not my mother...) and i foudn this hard when we had our own children, though dh always made an effort to make sure that the few hours of the day we spent together i did get spoilt. anyway, this year, was even more surreal as mil been poorly and died last friday, so spent this mother's day tip toeing around the fact it was mother's day at all - i felt really uncomfortable with it...but so feel for you - darn rude imo (but glad you had lovely long shower and a sleep before they got home - good for you!)

bozza · 21/03/2007 10:59

Well I normally visit my Mum and my MIL on Mother's Day - I even did last year when it was also my birthday but certainly not for such a long visit -they normally get 2-3 hours each but with the travelling that is most of the day. However DH will still see that I have a present in the morning and this year did quite a few of the chores and tried to explain the concept to DS (6). Also MIL was in Spain so the visiting was cut down this time. We just went to my Mum and Dad's where my Dad did homemade pizzas with the children (my two plus my nephew) for tea. So was quite good this year.

I think you need to talk about this with your DH. A 3.5yo is old enough while not necessarily to understand totally to be able to get excited and enjoy the idea of a surprise for Mummy. My 2yo certainly did - and went running off to help DH wrap my pressie.

Psycho · 21/03/2007 11:01

There are 2 threads going on this simultaneously.
here is my post from the other:

Mothers day is linked historically to the church and does go way back incidentally, it's not all commercialism...unlike fathers day

This does seem a strange way for your Dh to behave.

I wonder why he did this? What do you think his response would be if asked?

Original poster

TreadmillMom · 21/03/2007 11:23

Earlier on in the week OH had suggested he take the kids off to MILs for the entire day so I could have a day to myself as my ?Mothers Day? gift, whoa, cool I thought. However, as the week progressed OH started to list jobs, ?while you are on your own, you could just do X, Y then Z? etc, etc. I said I wanted a day in bed, watch DVDs, eat chocolate, have a Baileys, smoke fags in the middle of the day! ?C?mon? says OH, ?you would expect me to do stuff if I had the day to myself?.
I could of argued or just not done any of it, but it needed doing and I just feel generally unappreciated so I thought WTF get on with it.
However, a card, a box of chocolates and whipping the kids into a frenzy for ?mom? would have been really nice.
Pathetically, cannot be arsed to even discuss the way it made me feel, it never ever changes anything, I get to be annoyed at the sound of my own voice sometimes.
We recently (very recently) bought our marriage back from the brink due to a lack of communication and appreciation but obviously lessons were not learned or even taken seriously!

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 21/03/2007 11:44

Hmmm..things sound a little strained between you two before this....

I juts wondered why you happily agreed to do the tasks he set you on your so called gift of a free day?

Psycho · 21/03/2007 11:57

Sounds like you're both testing each other, and setting ecah other up tp fail.

Him by giving you a day but'suggesting' jobs you could do, to see if you appreciate the offer and if you'll do them without resentemnt.

You by doing the jobs without complaining but then secretly seething at the 'proof' you have of his lack of consideration and appreciation.

If you brought your marriage back from the brink, you need to keep working on it and keep vigilant of all these resentments and games, or you could find yourself back there.

maybe try to approach in a 'no blame' type way e.g. what can we both do to make the other feel more appreciated?

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