whinge, complain, moan - really long and self-indulgent rant

[moominmama86]

Me again. Hate to keep posting about my problems but am feeling like complete rubbish and really need to rant. Thanks for indulging me!

Everything just seems wrong right now. I am completely exhausted by every damn thing that?s going on in my life and don?t even know how to start getting to feel better about it all. I don?t think I am actually depressed but I do feel trapped and panicky whenever I think about the mess I seem to have made of things.

I?ve posted at length about my mum. Well, things don?t seem to be getting any better. I don?t even really want to talk about it all again. Just want it all to go away. She?s still in this clinic and still just as bad. Am dreading her coming home. Feel crap that I can?t do anything for her and just seem to get angry all the time.

Feel really angry about my marriage ending. I know that it was the right decision, but still can?t believe I screwed it up and made such bad decisions. I know we are better off apart but feel guilty that he has to stay in UK for sake of ds. Feel as if I have messed up his life, even though I know it?s his decision to stay. Am angry that I have had to push the whole thing under the carpet to make room for mum and other stuff. We only officially split a couple of months ago and yet not one of my friends or family ever ask if I?m okay. They think that just because it wasn?t a happy relationship then I must automatically be glad it?s over. It was my marriage, FFS! Of course I?m not happy it went so wrong. I?m not allowed to be sad or grieve. I just have to get on with it.

I just feel as if I?m trying to hold everything together for everyone else. I adore my ds (of course) but find day-to-day SAHMing tiring and not always exactly fulfilling. I would like to go back to work part-time but mum cannot look after ds and part-time wages would barely cover nursery. Can?t leave her alone when she comes back home anyway. All the jobs I have applied for ? rejection letters.

Just feel as if I?m going through the motions. Stuck in a really deep rut. I know I should be grateful that I don?t have to worry about bills or mortgage or whatever but feel as if I am getting left behind. Single mother, no home of my own, no job, no friends close by, no money. No future? I just wonder where it all went. Five years ago my life was so different and so promising. Where did my life go? Just feel I have made such bad decisions over the last few years and it?s led me to here. Life just seems to have drained down the plughole and I really can?t see how I?m going to drag myself back up again. I usually think I?m a pretty strong person but am buckling right now. Sorry for rant. This is the only place I can let off steam.

Rant away, sorry things seem so bad at the moment.

(((hugs)))

OK so I can't possibly understand what you are going through .. but I do know, from your other post, that you are an extremely strong person.

You are in an awful situation which someone who has no other issues at all would find stressful. You've been through so much, and made some incredibly tough decisions (like helping your mum get the help she needs) yet you know there is still more to come. IMHO you can get through it and things will get better.

I'm pretty sure there are support groups for people in situations such as yours and I know that you can claim government allowances for being a carer. I'm sure some other knowledgable MNer can give more info on these..

In the meantime, you rant away ... we're listening.

BR

Moominmama - where do you live? Is there a Sure Start scheme in your area? It funds mums/dads to do courses in stuff like computers etc and provides creche for children while you do it. I only ask because I know it's proved really worthwhile for some of my friends and they've gone on to get part-time jobs. Something like that might help you feel like you were taking control of part of your life. It might be worth ringing the council to see if they've got anything similar.....
That aside I'm sorry things are rough and glad you've got somewhere to rant

Moominmama - where do you live? Is there a Sure Start scheme in your area? It funds mums/dads to do courses in stuff like computers etc and provides creche for children while you do it. I only ask because I know it's proved really worthwhile for some of my friends and they've gone on to get part-time jobs. Something like that might help you feel like you were taking control of part of your life. It might be worth ringing the council to see if they've got anything similar.....
That aside I'm sorry things are rough and glad you've got somewhere to rant

I just feel really ground down by it all. I keep telling myself that nothing stays the same forever but everyday there seems to be some new hurdle or hassle. It's just relentless and there just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I'm being self-indulgent. There are people out there with far worse problems than me and I have a family, a home and a beautiful ds. It really doesn't matter that my family is in a mess, my home isn't my own and my ds won't eat or sleep!

I think part of me is just pining for my old pre-ds days as well. I used to be so free and now I just feel so trapped.

Oh dear, that sounds awful. But you know what I mean, I hope.

Hi, well you have had a really tough time and you have made some tough but loving decisions lately. I think you should be proud of that. Also, yes, maybe things have gone a little bit wrong, but the past is the past and there's a hell of a lot of future to come and it can all change. What kind of work did you do before? What in your wildest dreams and fantasies (forget practicalities for a moment) would you like to do? How old is your ds? Have you actually looked into nurseries and childminders and assessed the cost?
You can't take responsibility for other people's decisions - ie your ex. He stays because his desire to see his ds is stronger than his desire to live anywhere else - ie his decision and his responsibility. I presume he has ds at weekends and stuff so you have some time to yourself? Also, your friends, are you sure you aren't mindreading - ie attributing thoughts and motives to them that are just in your head? They may well not ask because you never raise the subject yourself and they think you don't want to talk about it. Do you present a very happy and together front that makes inquiries seem also impertinent? Of course you are allowed to be sad and to grieve. Nobody can prevent you doing that, and nobody is trying to. People live very much in their own world, remember. Do you confide in anyone? If not, then they may feel unable to express sympathy to you. If you tell them how you feel, they may well enjoy the feeling of being strong for you when you need them. Good luck.

I'm so sorry that things have got on top of you. I saw the other thread about your Mum and really feel for you. In a way though, you could almost say you're at the bottom of the slope things can only improve. Bearing in mind that ds is here to stay, how would you like your life to be? Obviously you feel a great deal of responsibility towards your mum but it sounds as if you and ds could do with being slightly removed i.e. not living with your mum and dad. Is this at all possible?

Moominmama- if you are looking after your mum when she comes out you will be entitled to a carers allowance and also for an assessement of your needs to be made this willl okk at things like respite care or things to make your life easier- I would also recoomend trying homestart or sure start- also you have been through a lot and because you are strong peopl over look how you feel- what would you like to do to improve your life then try to achieve it do you get all the benefits you are entitled to perhaps you could check this out

When I've tried to talk to friends etc about marriage ending, the only replies I have ever had are 'Yes, but, you weren't happy, so...' or 'But I thought you wanted that?' etc etc. Why is it hard for people to understand that you can make a decision that you are 'happy' with in a logical sense but it doesn't necessarily make you feel happy in an emotional sense? So I shut up.

I know I'm not responsible for xh. I'm just very susceptible to guilt right now and that's part of what is making everything so hard. I know I've got to stop feeling guilty and responsible for everything and everyone. I know I can't do it all and my priority should be ds above all others. I am just very unsure of myself and my motivations, if that makes sense. It's as though I've made so many mistakes over the past few years that I don't trust myself to not make more now and it's sort of paralysing me.

I suspect your friends aren't being unsympathetic, I think they are trying (v clumsily) to cheer you up and 'look on the bright side', which I know can be very frustrating. If it means a lot to you to be heard, then you could try again. You are good at expressing yourself, I think.
I can understand that you don't want to trust yourself to make another decision, but few decisions are permanent - you can always change your mind. And in the meantime, maybe you can brainstorm those wild plans, dreams and ambitions so you can spend some time thinking about what you'd really want. Let your imagination fly! You don't actually have to do anything, but you can start exploring ideas.

Aloha, you are right. I know they're not being unsympathetic - as you say, people live in their own worlds and sometimes you have to shout to make yourself heard. That's why I shout so much here

Think I have to strike out and start making some (perhaps tough) decisions, rather than just sitting here rotting. It is so hard to cut through the mundanities of everyday living (i.e. getting bogged down in shopping and housework and counting pennies and all that stuff) and start again from scratch, which is fundamentally what I feel I have to do. I'm 31 on Saturday, too old to fritter any more life away and too young to allow myself to stagnate any longer.

You are right about brainstorming. I do still have a lot of potential, I think. I used to write - I could do that again, if I set myself to it. Even if it means working at night while ds is in bed. Just needed a boost and, as usual, you lot came up with the goods. Thank you.

moominmama - are you sure you couldn't afford to work ... if you get a job for 16 hours a week or more you should be entitled to Working Tax Credit and as part of the deal you would get help with childcare costs. (I know that's only one of your problems but the only one I could think of anything helpful about.)

Aw, you are so young! You've had some big stuff to deal with, no wonder you are tired and demoralised. But it sounds to me as if you are really ready to make some changes now. Is your ds at nursery at all atm? My friend's child used to go to a brilliant council run nursery that cost something like £6 a session, and he loved it.