Advice on DH working away - newborn

[MrsMyreton]

Hi mumsnetters,

I know I will sound like a bit on a whinge here, considering all of the terrible things that have happened in the world recently. Perhaps I just need a reality check...

My DD is two months old. I have a hormonal imbalance since having DD meaning extremely heavy, very long, random periods which have been causing me a lot of anxiety and they restrict what I can do socially, for now.

My DH has a good job which often requires him to travel. When I was at work (currently on mat leave for a year), it was easy to stay occupied, but I feel very upset about the prospect of him going away again. He told me this morning that he will have to leave this weekend, to go somewhere which will require lots of jags and health insurance (don't want to say where for fear of outing myself). This also makes me worry about what he could potentially bring back home, with a young baby in the house. I feel it's unreasonable that he is going to be honest.

I am dreading him leaving again as he travels to locations with big time differences so we often can't speak other than in delayed FB messages.

I guess my question is - how do others cope with missing their partners?

First, the chances of him bringing back 'something' he could give to the baby are beyond miniscule, so put that worry out of your mind.

I don't blame you not liking the prospect of being on your own with a 2mo, but if his job has always involved travel, then it's still going to, and I don't think it's unreasonable of him to go. If this is really upsetting you, then the two of you need to have an honest discussion about it, but work travel isn't usually something you can just not do - you're being asked to do it for a reason.

The best thing to do is really to get as much structure, distraction and help built into your day as possible while he's away. Call up family or fellow mum friends and ask for help or make lunch/coffee dates. Go to as many baby groups locally as you can find. Plan a day trip to a local attraction. Fill your time up. And if you do nothing else, get out for a walk every day. I used to 'save up' minor errands and use them to structure my day if nothing else was going on.

Thank you UndersecretaryofWhimsy you are completely right.

He's been in the same job for a long time, and it should be no surprise to me. We've always been fairly independent of each other, but it just feels different this time. I had what the hospital classed as a traumatic birth, so perhaps that hasn't helped any anxiety. He works long hours and is often at dinners so I'm focusing on that, in the sense that I'm used to caring for DD on my own.

I will structure my days, and focus completely on caring for DD. If my hormones would hurry up and settle I will be able to plan more trips out. 😊

It is really hard to adjust to, my DH had always travelled but that first trip after having DC1 was hard!! I remember feeling so anxious about it and worried......

My top tips would be make sure you have plenty of easy to cook food/ready meals, organize to see someone everyday to get adult company and make sure you have an easy to watch TV series.

That first trip was definitely the hardest but once it was done and I coped all the others after that were fine!

Is tough, but perfectly manageable.
I used to invite friends round for pizza and a catch up one evening, and try to get out of the house every day.
Weekends were tough - isn't people had plans or wanted family time.
I also used to go visit my parents (a couple of hours away), or Mum used to come stay with me for a few nights.

Don't worry about the exotic diseases. The chances of him getting something is small. The chance of it being able to be passed to your Daughter is minute.

The random, heavy bleeding sounds restricting whether DH is around or not. I assume the GP is aware, and has said there is nothing to be done except wait?

Spending more time together is one reason we both quit our jobs, and I'm now a SAHM in a place that is not known for its amazingness.

@JoandMax Thank you. I guess this first trip will be like ripping off a plaster! Once it's done, it won't be so bad.

I think if I wasn't being selfish and worrying about my own health, I wouldn't be so bothered!

@RedSandYellowSand Thank you, good advice. Just venting about it has already helped.

Yes, GP knows about bleeding and I've had tests to confirm nothing is wrong. Just super strong post preggo hormones. A waiting game for it to resolve itself. I'm just very impatient and, admittedly, a bit of a pessimist, thinking it will return when he's out of the country!

I had this @MrsMyreton and I also had an illness which wasn't diagnosed until after the second child was born.

You're not being selfish at all. It's a tough adjustment to make. And welcome to the world of irrational fears about your children .

I went out Every Single Day even if there was nothing planned. I went to every baby group I could find. I had good wet weather wear, just to make sure I made myself leave the house.

I spent a lot of time in cafés. As I spent so much time on my own, DH and I agreed this was a sensible spend.

We had recently moved to a new area so I didn't have lots of handy friends I could spend evenings with but that didn't matter as DC1 was an utter boob monster anyway. I spent a lot of those evenings on-line chatting on forums like this or ringing my mum/friends. Now I suppose it would be Facebook instead.

Look after yourself. Maintaining your mental health is a good investment.

Have you got Mush? It's a good way of finding local mums who are interested in making friends. Even a coffee date gives you something to build your day around and someone to talk to.