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Original poster

I need advice (again) on how to deal with my parents in a tactful manner!!

22 replies

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 09:39

For those of you who dont know my step-father has Parkinsons (allegedly). He has been deteriorating rapidly and when i went home this weekend it was dreadful. He wanders constantly, is very confused, moves things all the time so no one knows where anything is, he sat down and missed the chair, hallucinates, talks to people who arent there and gets lost in the house

i have tried to help as much as I can, I found out about a local assesment centre who specialised in Parkinsons, he has been once. They have been to the doctors but I'm not sure if he is aware just how bad it is. In my opinion he is not safe to be left alone, and certainly not to drive (which he still does)

My dilemma is I just dont know what else to do, they are going to the same resort as us on holiday this year but I dont want to see them every day because it will be no break for us (both me and dh work full time), but i know my mother will expect it so that she gets some sanity. Also do I write or speak to the doctor about the current situation. And finally shall I report him to the dvla? He will know its me because I refuse to let him drive with the children in the car

OP posts:

Freckle · 20/03/2007 09:45

That sounds more like Alzheimers to me. I would definitely speak to the DVLA. It doesn't matter if he knows it's you. He could kill someone next time he gets in a car.

bozza · 20/03/2007 09:49

Parkinsons can lead to confusion though Freckle. I would speak to DVLA and also think about your mother's role in this. Does he have a social worker? Can she get respite care for him? Can she apply for Carer's allowance? Speak to your mother and dependent on what answers you get, speak to the doctor.

Beetrootccio · 20/03/2007 09:51

what have you saidto your mother about this?

Freckle · 20/03/2007 09:52

Well, I was curious about the "allegedly". I understand that Parkinson's can lead to confusion, but the rest of the description certainly sounds like Alzheimers. Or maybe he has both.

Has he been officially diagnosed? If not, could that not be arranged and then your mum can possibly get help from social services, Carer's Allowance and also respite care. But the DVLA thing is the most urgent I would suggest.

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 09:52

Sounds like a v difficult situation with no easy answers really- poor you guys.

A few questions:

What do you mean he "alledgedly" has Parkinsons? Has he been diagnosed with it?

What does your mum think about him driving?

Does your mum have any help?

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 09:53

They are quite well off so dont think will qualify for a social worker. My mum doesnt work but then again she doesnt want the carers role either. I had thought about a care package but he would never allow it. My mother just keeps heaping it on me saying she cant cope and she wants to leave etc. Agree Freckle I have been saying that for years, he said he filled it a form for the dvla when he was diagnosed and that the doc said he was ok to drive. But i think a man who cannot navigate his way around his own home should definately not be driving

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 09:54

My understanding is that all the symptoms mosschops30 describes are compatible with Parkinsons in its later stages. Horrible disease.

Beetrootccio · 20/03/2007 09:54

why does your mum want to leave? have they been together long?

I would say something to dvla.
I would take your mohter to the doctor

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 09:56

yes he has been diagnosed with Parkinsons, but having nursed people myself with Parkinsons, its not like anything Ive seen. He doesnt have any of the classic traits, it just seems like demetia or alzheimers to me. He is convinced we are trying to put him in a home and says he will never go, he thinks my mother is trying to get him sectioned because she got him an appointment with the geriatric psychiatrist (mainly to try and get dementia diagnosed). He is very stubborn and wont admit he has a problem.

Should I phone their dr myself and try and make some progress

OP posts:

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 09:57

they have been together about 20 years but shes stayed because she has nowhere else to go rather than out of love i think.

I cant take my mum to the dr they love 300 miles away

OP posts:

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 09:57

'live'

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 20/03/2007 10:00

This sounds awful for you Mosschops. I think that you might write to your dad's GP perhaps setting out what you have described here, so that s/he is fully aware of the situation, and could perhaps arrange a home visit. The GP should also be able to advise on a social worker. I don't think that they are means tested - a social worker should be there to help anyone in need, but I may be wrong.

Perhaps if you put out a mn appeal with a different title, you might get more specific advice - eg "Any social workers/experts out there? Help for a parent with Parkinsons"

HTH.

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 10:03

Why not? It can't hurt, especially if your mum is reaching the end of her tether. It must be very hard for her to see him like this. I would have thought a referral to social services wouldn't hurt either, actually. He will at least be assessed and a clearer picture of his needs will emerge as part of that. Even if no services follow, or those that do have to be paid for, it might be valuable to have an independent idea of his functioning.

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 10:09

Very basically, everyone is entitled to be assessed by social services and that is free. Services provided to meet needs identified by the assessment may be means tested, however. I still think it would be worth getting an assessment as i said before. A good one should clarify the position and may give definitive answers to questions like whether your step dad should be driving and what support he should be getting.

bozza · 20/03/2007 10:10

How old are they? What is your Mum's state of health? I think you are currently at a bit of an impasse with them both. I think he will soon need some sort of care, especially if your Mum is not happy to be in that role. When my Mum was sorting out my Grandma, Grandad, Great Aunt and Great Uncle at various points she found a lot of good advice from the local branch of the Alzheimer's Society. And although she didn't live locally she did apply for carer's allowance for them which she used to pay for caring services.

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 10:10

And your mother would get a carer's assessment which would identify her needs and signpost her to local services. This sounds important given that she is clearly very stressed.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 10:11

thank you scummy thats great. I will try and sort it out. Do I contact their local council for that information. And can I ask for the referral or does it have to be my mum

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2007 10:20

You'll need to ring up their local council and see how it works locally. I think you would definitely count as a close family member if they take direct referrals but sometimes there are other rules- eg GP referral. If so, consider ringing the GP to ask for a referral, stressing how worried you are.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 20/03/2007 10:25

I have just phone their GP. I can speak to him at 11.30am so will ring then. I think I will try and make him aware of the current situation and ask about SW referrals etc.

Thanks for all your help evryone

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 20/03/2007 10:27

hi mosschops - I think we spoke before about this (my gran has very advanced Parkinsons)

I think their social care assessment of their needs came via a GP referral (but I imagine it depends on the area) - in your shoes, I would think a call/letter to the GP would be a good starting point.

Even though I think they are incapable of looking after themselves (gran with advanced Parkinsons, granf with dementia), amazingly, after their assessment, they have been given no extra help. This even though gran has been hospitalised several times after falls (what they did do was come and put handrails round the house).

I would think your mum is quite key in this and if she is willing to push for help, hopefully they will give them some.

SisterOfSoapbox · 20/03/2007 10:37

Mosschops

Sorry to hear you are in this situation, perhaps viewing it from another perspective would help you decide what is best to do...

From what you say your dad does not seem to be aware of what he is like and if this is the case then someone has to step in and take responsibility for his welfare. I would phone the Dr and tell him of the marked deterioration since you last saw him, tell the Dr that he is still driving yet can't seem to function in his own home where things are familiar to him. This is not going behind your dad's back, it is making sure that he (and the public) are safe and that the Dr can be alerted to intervene and give him the correct treatment. Your dad's Dr will not want to be held liable perhaps because he hadn't advised your dad to stop driving and to perhaps be criticised for not being aware of the progress of his illness and the increasing limitations etc. On this basis I am sure the Dr will welcome your telephone call.

My grandmother had alzheimers and she, in her more lucid moments, used to say we were tying to have her "put away". The reality was that by the time she was admitted to hospital, she was so unfamiliar with her normal surroundings that she wasn't really aware that any change had even taken place. From the family perspective there was relief that she was safe and secure and my grandfather was much less stressed as he wasn't having to take responibility for her welfare 24/7.

Good luck...hope things get sorted out for your dad soon.

bozza · 20/03/2007 10:56

mosschops - maybe grab a few minutes to note what points you want to make with the GP before you phone at 11.30.

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