Apparently my dd is 'disturbingly' shy.

[Mirage]

On Wednesday,I took my dd's aged 3.5 & 22 months,to see their Great Uncle,who is a residential home.He has physical & learning disabilites & lives in a group home with similar adults.

I had reminded them,before we went in,that some of Uncle X's friends might make different noises or act differently to them,but that was their way of talking ect & that they were all Uncle x's friends.

It was his birthday,so we joined in with his birthday tea,with the other residents,sang happy birthday,ate cake ect.However,several of the older lady residents were fascinated by the dd's,especially dd1,two of them spent the entire visit trying to pick her up & hug & kiss her.DD1,bless her,was very unhappy about this,but didn't make a fuss,just clung to me,so they couldn't grab her.I kept telling them gently that she was shy,that she didn't like people she didn't know picking her up,but they persisted.Eventually,she ended up on my knee,so they couldn't get near her.

On the way home,she was as chipper as anything,explaining to her sister that Uncle x has a wheelchair & can go very fast without having to walk,that he can't talk,but strill likes visitors.I told them both how good they had been & that I knew it wasn't easy when people kept trying to cuddle thembut it was just that the ladies liked them so much.

However,when my mum visited the next day,my uncles carer told my mum that dd2 was alright but that she thought that dd1 was disturbingly shy.I was shocked,it can't have been fun for someone her age to be grabbed at by adults that she doesn't know,especially if they are making,what to her must seem frightening noises.I was proud of them both & thought that they behaved immpecably.

How would you expect your children to react in similar circumstances?

I think every one of my kids would have behaved he same way as yours did. Although the 13year old may not have fitted on my knee if the two younger ones were already there.

I would ignore this imbecile and give your dd an extra special hug for being a good, brave girl and not screaming the place down which is probably what she wanted to do.

I'm completely with you on this one. Sounds like exceptional behaviour on your dds' parts, esp the older one. My ds would have found that sort of thing really stressful and probably wouldn't have coped as well.
I think your uncle's carer was out of order judging, and discussing her judgement with your mum. Ignore it.

Mirage, as your dd's arent used to meeting their uncles friends etc on a daily basis i wouldnt worry. my dd's are used to machinary like dh has, used to seeing IV's, bloods being done etc and dont flinch. but my neice isnt. and when she comes round she does go a bit shy at first. my dd's are 7,4 and 2. neice is 4.

Ds1 would have done exactly the same thing, Mirage, and he is so un-shy he physically jumped on a sunbather's back last year, and started shouting 'horsey horsey!'. The carer is the peculiar one!

YOur dd behaved impecibly.My ds would have punched them!

Gosh, I would become 'disturbingly shy' if a bunch of old ladies wanted to kiss and hug me
I think, by what you said, your DD did a great job ... and you should ignore what the carer said to your mum

Old ladies with hairy moles & smelling of wee trying to pick you up and cuddle you - OK so I'm making some massive assumptions and shocking stereotypes - euuuw!!! Sounds as if you are rightfully proud of some beautifully behaved dc. Don't you just want to burst when they pull it out of the hat for you like that

Message withdrawn

Thankyou.You have backed up my opinion that dd1 wasn't acting any different to any other child put in a situation like that.

I am cross with the carer,but as Misdee says,she is probably used to the residents behaviour,whilst the dd's aren't.Not all of the residents are normally there when we go,so the dd's aren't used to them or their oddities.

Thanks again.

How rude of the carer. I don't think you should say "disturbingly" about any aspect of a child's behaviour, it's a really over the top phrase. I think it's quite "normal" indeed sensible for a small child to be nervous in new/strange situations.

Dont take it to heart. The carer is probably unaware of how young children can react around people with learning disabilities. It is a shock them to see adults act in unpredictable ways. My DS 5 has a similar reaction when I visit an elderly lady friend of mine who has an adult son with quite severe Learning disabilities.

My dd would have behaved exactly as your dd did Mirage. I would have done too as a child.
Ds wouldn't.
I would have prepared both of my children just as you did but tbh i know that by doing so i would probably have made dd slightly more nervy.
Totally normal behaviour for her sort of girl i would say... children are so different...and it takes all sorts to make up this world anyway doesn't it.

omg.... it sounds like she behaved like a real little trouper to me!

my dd would have been in floods of tears if a stranger tried to pick her up... whether or not the stranger was making strange noises!

dd has been at playschool since the end of january and they've only realised this week how verbal she is as she's hardly spoken to them at all! and thats a place she feels comfortable and enjoys going.

don't take what the carer said to heart, she obviously doesn't know very much about kids and should know bette rthan to say something like that either way!

I can't believe anybody would cast judgment on your dd1 after only seeing her in such a situation! I can't think of a single child I know of that age who would take kindly to a load of over-zealous old people who they've never met trying to handle them like that.

My dd is very shy and she would have absolutely hated it, she probably would have been in tears the whole time. I think sometimes that people get mixed up with young children and babies. Babies get more used to being handled and passed around but by 18 months onwards a child has much more of a sense of their own boundaries and they're not a parcel.

I've got countless, sometimes painful, memories of members of my family trying to grab at dd and acting all 'wounded' that she didn't want to and making comments about her being 'snooty' 'over-shy' and that we're not socialising her properly as she's an only child.

If I ever meet a new child I tend to stand back and watch them and wait for their lead to be 'friends' and I only wish more people would remember children are people and do the same.

Carer sounds decidedly odd. My sister has been working with people with learning disabilities for 15 years now and would never make a comment like that - more likely to compliment you on how well your dd coped with a very unfamiliar environment!