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Original poster

what are acceptable risks?

18 replies

eefs · 05/07/2004 15:30

following on from the "leaving children in car" thread, there is an element of risk in everything we do. I have read most of the child-rearing books and scour this site regularily and am quite aware of the things I should do/not do to keep my children safe. However, for various reasons i will go against the general advise from time to time, and presume we all do.

I will leave my DS1 unattended in the bath - he's 3.5 yrs, I leave the bathroom door open and listen to him talk while I do other necessary things. If there's a moments silence I immediately go back into the bathroom to check on him.

I have left my children in the car on the forecourt while I pay for petrol - I take sufficient precautions and believe this is actually safer (and less hassle) than bringing them with me.

I have left DS2 feeding with his bottle propped up while I attend to DS1 - I am within sight and hearing of DS2.

I don't have DS1 on reins while walking beside a busy road (we hold hands)

that's enough - i sound like a complete reckless mother already. Am I on my own here?

OP posts:

Blu · 05/07/2004 15:34

And those of us with cars drive them around without a second thought....whilst panicking about things which statistically are much, much less likely!

woodpops · 05/07/2004 15:36

Not at all. My dd held her own bottle from 8 weeks and went to bed with a bottle. My mum never agreed with that one. Ds get's left in the bath while I get jimjams, nappies etc ready. I don't do the forecort one though. Just send dh to get petrol at night!!!!! I think half the people who write these bloody books don't have kids of their own anyway!!!!

Janh · 05/07/2004 15:39

I did all those things when mine were little, eefs. Also would leave DS2 (5yrs younger than next child) asleep in cot while picking up older ones from school 100yds away. And asleep in carseat, car parked right outside house. And would let quite small children run and hide in eg MFI while browsing. And many other recklessnesses too I expect (so long ago now I can't remember!)

CountessDracula · 05/07/2004 15:53

I always leave dd in the car on the forecourt (locked) if I can see her at all times. Is there a problem with that? I can't see one.

Have never used reins (figure they are for horses) but guess I would if I had more than 1 child.

bundle · 05/07/2004 15:54

I know someone who dislocated their child's shoulder using reins. also studies show that shielding children from all potential risks actually doesn't help them - because they find it harder to deal with unexpected events.

kalex · 05/07/2004 15:57

I leave my children in the car when I pay for pertol. I leave the children in the bath whilst I tidy the bedrooms upstairs, DD 6 and DS 2.5,

If DS will not come back to me in a shop, I will walk around a corner and let him find me. IE round the nearest corner so he can't c me and then wait for him, the longest he has ever taken is about 10 seconds, and it also means he fells independent and is making decisions for himself (less tantrum)

Live on busy road (in Scotland) so prpbably pretty quite in comparison to down south, I let my 6 year old cross without holding my hand. And my youngest walks holding my hand.

I have popped to accross the road neighbours - for3 mins and left the kids inside. It was piising with rain at 7pm. both kids asleep in bed.

I don't think I'm a bad mm at all. I wiegh up the pros and cons and take appropraite actions

Original poster

eefs · 05/07/2004 18:24

yup agree these are ok risks, because we have thought them through - but i'd still be wary of admitting these to people. (not you non-judgemental babes)
do think it's important for DS to learn his own way and bot be overprotected.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 05/07/2004 18:30

I fear the biggest risks I take are the ones I don't notice IYKWIM.

DP did the classic 'leave the baby in the front room and then realise she's climbed to the top of the stairs' last week. Pillock.

gothicmama · 05/07/2004 18:34

no you're noton your own- there are risks everywhere and if you did not make judgements the no one would do anything. Acceptable risks to me are when you know something should be done but you analyse and rationalise the situation so that you do what needs to be done fully aware of the risk and that it is acceptable to you. It would be different if you did something not knowing the risk or the full implication of your action. I suppose you trust your judgement and experience and weigh up the potential gains against the potential consequences and identified risks

MeanBean · 05/07/2004 18:35

I think everyone takes risks from time to time - you subconsciously do a risk assessment - consequences versus risk. If the risk of a bad outcome is high and the benefit is low, you don't take the risk. While if the benefit is high and the risk is low, you do take a risk. So leaving your kids on the forecourt for two minutes while you pay is quite low risk - they're in a locked car, you can see them from the paying point, and by the time somebody had approached your car and tried to force it open/ broken the window or whatever, you and everyone else in the petrol station would have been alerted. Whereas you wouldn't leave them outside while you went into Asda's, because you can't see them and it takes two hours even if you only want a pint of milk!

dinosaur · 05/07/2004 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

curlysue · 05/07/2004 18:50

I also believe that allowing your kids to take a few cacluated risks is a good thing. I don't want them scared of their own shaows like one of my friend's dd!

My 6 yr old dd crosses the small side roads ahead of me now on the way to school. She is really careful and feels so grown up. When she tried it on an unkown road out of my sight though I wasn not happy! So we've set some boundaries for that now!

I let them go off a bit in the park and stuff. As MeanBean said you assess the risk and make a judegment.

I was going to make shepherds pie the other night and found I didn't have an onion so I ran round the shop (200 yards) and got one. I told them not to open the door etc and gave them my Mum's phone no. They phoned her though and snitched on me!!!

curlysue · 05/07/2004 18:52

What amazes me is the number of friends I have who use no booster seats in the car and let their kids sit in the front which I wouldn't do. Then they won't let their kids more than 5 feet away from them in a park. Crazy!

Easy · 05/07/2004 19:17

Roisin and I (and some other MNers) debated this a few months ago, When she had no-one to stay with her baby (in bed) while her 6 year-old went a couple of hundred yards up the road to his Beavers meeting, crossing the road with a pelican crossing.

She and I agreed that, as he knew the route, had done it with her loads of times, and could be met at each end (there and back), at 6 he should be allowed to go on his own.

But loads of people said he should just miss Beavers, and one or 2 said they'ed leave the sleeping baby to take / collect him.

(tried to find the thread to link to it, but couldn't find it I'm afraid)

Piffleoffagus · 05/07/2004 19:44

I've done all but no 2 for reasons explained in the car thread, a bit paranoid I know...
reins, will never use them. I have large age gap between my kids and if the misbehave while hand holding they go in the pushchair!

WideWebWitch · 05/07/2004 20:19

ds (6.5) is in charge of dd (7mos, immobile atm) while I shower, with instructions to call me if there's a problem

Leave them both in the car while getting petrol

Used to let ds go to the loos in the park on his own in Devon at 5yo, I could watch him all the way there and back (few minutes walk)though

Used to run across the road to the shop in London, leaving ds (at age 2ish) alone for about 2 minutes, sometimes sleeping, sometimes not

Once left ds alone asleep with a mobile phone switched on next to him while ex dh and I (on the other end of a mobile phone connected to the first one, i.e. an expensive monitor) while we walked a little way down the road to watch fireworks

Have left ds unattended in the bath for ages (from age 4 ish) but can usually hear him as he chats away to himself

So no eefs, you're not on your own. Completely agree about acceptable risks, we all have our own definitions I suppose.

lydialemon · 05/07/2004 21:04

The thing is all children are individuals. You, as the person who spends the most time with them, knows what they can be trusted to do and not to do.

I leave my kids in the car when I get petrol, but I know they won't attempt to get out, mess about or even undo their seat belts.

I've never used reins. Both DSs would just lie face down on the floor when you put them on! Now they are 4 and 6 I let them walk just in front of the pushchair, distance between us depends on how busy it is. Shopping Center on a Saturday - they hold me or the pushchair. I wouldn't trust them out of sight - things will get broken.

Baths, yes again. We have a very small flat, you could hear them everywhere. Every now and again I yell, and then wait for both to answer. But I didn't do that until they were 2 and 4.

AND I let DSs take turns sitting in the front seat using a booster seat. DS1 was actually in the front when I had an accident last year, his (very minor) scrapes were less than DS2 so I'm happy that he is as safe strapped in the front. I wouldn't do it if we had airbags though.

roisin · 05/07/2004 21:20

We are fortunate as there are 6 little boys in the street of the same age (reception year: so about 5 yrs old). They have all just started to play out in the street on bikes and scooters. I'm delighted that all the other households have decided to 'take this risk'. The children are gaining in confidence by the day, and are delighted to be out there together. With several children out there, there are a number of different adults looking/listening out for them, and it's a great atmosphere.

My heart is in my mouth as I watch them hurtling down the street together, but I know it is very good for them, and they are having fantastic fun too.

My current difficulty is persuading them to come inside, even when it starts pouring with rain!

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