Does me and dh's pathetic-ness show through?

[lunavix]

Dh and I are on the verge of buying a house in the area we've lived in for two years (and the county we've lived in for three) and I'm having really cold feet. We have no friends here, at least proper ones.

I have a friend I met at a baby group who we get together perhaps three mornings a week. I also have possibly two or three other people who I see at baby groups, and we sometimes do each others house for a morning or see each other at committee meetings etc. We've done the odd social occassion (one we went on holiday with, and we've had over for dinner but we don't really get on anymore) and we usually do mutual invites to weddings, christenings, birthdays etc.

But dh and I see NOONE in evenings or weekends. I feel me and these friends are only friends for convenience if that makes sense - we're all free during the day with little ones. Two of them see each other a bit evenings and weekends (gym, dinners, etc) but their dh's get on and mine doesn't really - he's not openly rude or anything but he can seem a bit stand-offish. Plus the few times we've suggested doing things they've made excuses.

I've tried the baby group route and been to the main three in the area, but am still struggling. Our close friends (two in the next county, and two a couple of counties away) we see maybe once a month but we have to instigate it.

To be honest, we're both pretty lonely. We think we're nice people lol and we also think our kids are lovely too We're fairly young parents, but quite mature in the sense of owning own house steady jobs etc. It means we don't quite seem to fit in.

We can't really meet people through work either. I'm a childminder, and dh works in a company where everyone is much older and their own kids are adults now!

I feel like we're rather pathetic, we'd just both like friends to come over for dinner and to go out with occassionally! Our neighbours are all retired too, and it's similar where we're moving, I feel like packing it in and moving to another county. I don't even know if that's a viable reason - moving across the country to make friends???

I'm sorry that sounds so stupid Just starting to feel really down, like we must be the most boring people on earth.

are you me?

It's hard to make friends.

We tend not to see other people in the evenings/weekends. Well, I go on a monthly mum's pub night, which is nice. And DH has work things in the evening sometimes.

And in all my years of coupleness, some more sociable than others (and in a range of couples, iyswim), finding another couple with whom you can hang out is really hard. Think of how hard it is to find someone you get on with - that's one good relationship. To have a couple friendship, you need four good relationships, it's 1/4 as rare as a good regular friendship, if you see what I mean.

I should try inviting people out or over more often, but often can't be bothered ...

Oh, I should say, though, the mum's pub night is quite a success. We have it on the first monday of the month at a nice local pub, you don't have to book or anything, just turn up. I really enjoy it and look forward to it.

not just me then misdee.

At least you have your sisters though... mine is thousands of miles away... We have dh's family which I know we're lucky with but it also seems rather sad to be hanging out with his parents of a weekend! BIL and his girlfriend are very much on the nightclub circuit still.

nockney - (are you nqc? I assume so) I guess that's true but we'd even like an occassional couple to see! as in once every few months they don't need to be best friends lol

The mums night sounds good, I wouldn't know who to propose it too. The friends I see during the day all go the gym now four times a week, and one of them (the one I see the most) won't go out any more than that in the evenings. And I doubt the others would go if she didn't (she seems to be somewhat the 'popular' girl lol)

(I am indeed nqc, I got involved in the shortened-names craze, and haven't changed back.)

Probably the thing that keeps our local Mum's nights out thing going is the fact it's public - announced every month on the local NCT yahoo group. So new mums can come along any time - and often do. We had a few months of it happily being the same four or so women, and then last month there were 12 or so of us!

You might try a similar thing with whatever local internet support exists? Netmums?

Seriously, as a long-term serial monogamist type, re: couple friends ... I had one with an ex, well, he couldn't stand the other woman, but it worked ok. DH and I had one, but they moved to SF. Oh, we have a couple of couple friends back home, but really, we're friends with them because I am very long term friends with one-half of the couple, iyswim. We do get along ok, though, and even have some overlap in childrens' ages.

I guess so. Although we're struggling with even that.

Do you take classes or anything? Might make making friends easier? Or get together with the school friends of your children?