Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Other subjects

Flip

Original poster

Mother and Baby Group - feeling a bit unsure of myself

23 replies

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 11:07

just wanted your opinions as to weather i am being paranoid or not.

have been attending a local group for about a month and have met a group of mums with babies around the age of my ds. trouble is i think they might meet up outside of group but have not asked me to join, reason i think this is that i went to speak to someone else and when i came back diaries were out. they did sort of discuss it around me but did ot ask if i would be interested.

on thinking about going next week, feel a bit nervous. i can be quite shy and talking to these mums was quite something. when i am there i do make an effort at conversation.

what do you think??

OP posts:

chirpygirl · 03/03/2007 11:15

Hi, your post made me feel a bit bad as this is what I do at my baby group
I have known some of the other mums there since pre baby (well, we were at preggy yoga classes!) so have known them for 18 months ish and we always meet up for coffee later in the week but I hadn't thought how it might look to other mums at the group!
We are not being exclusive but we have been meeting for lunch just us 4 for months now so wouldn't invite anyone else.

I wouldn't feel nervous or anything like that, it could be that they have known each other for years, I know some other mums at my group who were at school together so they do things just the 2 of them.

I hope that helps...now I have to think how to make the other mums at my group not feel excluded!

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 11:16

should mention that these mums did not seem to know each other before either.

OP posts:

chirpygirl · 03/03/2007 11:24

Oh! Well in that case I don't know, they could just be very rude!

Are there any other groups near you? I went to about 7 or 8 before I found one I liked and then got all my friends to go there too even though it is miles from my house, all the others were a bit cliquey TBH.

How old is your ds?

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 11:24

thanks for posting chirpygirl

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 11:28

ds is nearly five months. have tried a couple already but majority of mothers had toddlers so although they were more friendly, i had less in common. i am the first out of my group of friends to have a baby, jsut feels abit like starting a new school!

Oh well! [hmm}

OP posts:

chirpygirl · 03/03/2007 11:28

Thats ok!

If it makes you feel any better the first group I went to DD was 3 months old and it was a group 2 streets from my house, so I went, I sat down, I was ignored.....someone came in with another baby and got cooed over and loads fo attention...I was ignored....
Then, DD woke up and needed feeding, so I started BFing her and was asked to turn my back on the room as it was 'not nice to do that in front of the children'

I walked out about 3 seconds later!

gothicmama · 03/03/2007 11:32

this happenned to me do n't worry about it. I decided to keep going with dd hada fab time playing with her and other kids with all the toys and not talking to any of the mums they then started to talk to me but to be honest 'd gone for dd to have interact with other children not to make friends for me

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 11:44

Very shocked for you being asked to turn your back away!! How rude -

Thanks though for your comments!

Gothicmama - think will just focus on ds next week!

OP posts:

usandnosleep · 03/03/2007 11:46

I didn't like the first group I went to but was brave and tried another. I really enjoy this one and its called the 'first time parents group'. We have lots in common and have the same questions and concerns.
I have been going weekly for 2-3 months and we have only just started meeting outside of the group. A few of the group have been meeting for a while but it turns out they live near each other, so travel to the group together and so they naturally know each other a little better.
Keep going and find out about other groups
p.s roughly where do you live? x

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 12:07

the idea of a first time parent group sounds a fab idea! nothing like that around here.

will try more groups i think! In lincolnshire - the land of potatos and not alot else

OP posts:

chirpygirl · 03/03/2007 12:18

Aah, lincolnshire, I grew up in Deeping St Nicholas, outside Spalding...

I would definately try a couple more groups if you can, ask at your local library as they have details, or call the NCT, my group used to be the NCT group but I was never a member (I am too cheap...!)

I love the first time parents idea but what happens when you have your second?! Do you get forcibly removed?

princessmel · 03/03/2007 12:20

I go to toddler groups with people that I've known for years. School and college friends. But I also talk to whoever is next to me.
So I know some mums on a casual chat basis and some better.

If someone always sat with us each week but was not an old friend, and we were planning to go to a soft play place or the park etc. I'd ask her along too. Not sure about coming to my house for coffee etc. Unless I'd made quite good friends with her IYKWIM. Which I have done with friends made at groups.

usandnosleep · 03/03/2007 13:04

Thought it was worth asking in case I was near you but I'm way down South I'm afraid.
Definitely keep trying, if you can spare the cash it might be worth joining music , massage groups etc.

MuffinMclay · 03/03/2007 14:00

Not paranoid at all!

That has happened to me (twice) at one of the ones I go to. Last time I was there they all got their diaries out and planned a night out, and very obviously excluded me and one other mum. I thought it was so rude (although I couldn't have gone anyway because dh was away).

The others are all second time mums and have known each for a few years. Like you, I can't decide if I should keep going or not. I don't enjoy it, but I think it is good for ds to mix with children that he'll probably grow up and go to school with.

lunavix · 03/03/2007 14:23

I started going to a group just after ds was born. It seemed a little clique-y (it was supposed to be a young parents group but everyone was 20s and 30s) but I persevered and ended up reasonably accepted. The only way this happened was by literally going every time (it was on twice a week)

The group eventually shut, and out of myabe 10 regular mums I see perhaps four a bit. One I see at least three times a week, one just every morning at preschool/committee and the other two occassionally. However, they all do stuff without me! It's still a very bitchy clique and they all knew each other before me, and I still feel very left out.

I've tried two more groups, and I may persevere but it's SO hard work. To be honest, (I know this is so selfish) I want friends for me, not for ds/dd!

BirdyArms · 03/03/2007 14:32

I think it's worth perservering - it takes a few weeks to make friends. After I had ds1 I was desparate to make friends with babies locally, none of my friends had children and I hadn't been to antenatal classes as he was early. I went to a first time mothers group and used to walk home in tears because nobody liked me - think the hormones may have had something to do with that!! But I carried on going and now 2 years later I am firm friends with about 5 of the ladies I met there.

paulaplumpbottom · 03/03/2007 14:34

I'm sure once you have been going there a while things might warm up. Sometimes its hard to let a new person in to your group. Just keep doing what you are doing and I'm sure they'll come around.

twojags · 03/03/2007 17:34

At the ones I go to a few of us have know each other for years and our husbands know each other from school so I'm afraid we probably do look a bit cliquey. Having said that I always talk to new mums 'cos I know it is horrible to go to somewhere like that and nobody speaks to you.
If somebody is sitting on their own one of us will always ask them to come and sit with us. I've been in the position where you walk into a new place and everyone blanks you so I have played with and read to ds instead but not gone back the following week
Another thing I used to do was go and sit with someone else who is on their own - have made quite a few friends this way and mostly people were like me, just greatful to have somebody to talk to!

puppydavies · 03/03/2007 18:08

tbh the main thing i hate about toddler groups/soft play is that people insist on talking to you all the time. i'm sure i can't be the only one that would love to just be able to take a book and sit in the corner and be left alone while child runs amok

Fonk · 03/03/2007 18:22

nope pd, me too

got told of for taking a book as "unfriendly" (ds asleep)

But I AM unfriendly...

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 03/03/2007 18:24

Thanks all for your posts!

I will keep going to group and I know of another that will try.

I understand that for groups that have been friends for a while not including a new commer into social outings. As this group did not seem to know each other previously, it does make me feel a bit paranoid.

I am lucky in that I have a good group of friends away from m&t group.

I guess they just feel jealous that my ds is just cuter

p.s
thanks for the thought usandnosleep

OP posts:

Fonk · 03/03/2007 18:26

lg-thats just rude though

i really do hate this school playground mentality of m/t groups.

the worst is when some unfortunare kids BITES another one and my god, that info spreads like wildfire

hate it

marymillington · 03/03/2007 18:32

pst my be a bit weird as sme critical keys n cmputer nt wrking

i think the key thing is - if yu can muster the curage - t be the persn ding the rganising/inviting rather than wait t be asked. especially if yu are all new mums/dnt already knw each ther. invite a cuple f them back t yurs fr a cup f tea the fllwing week r suggest ging t st rytime at the library r smething.

m st peple are jsut waiting t be asked.

Flip