I don't seem to have any tolerance left

[Nic04]

I don't seem to have a lot of patience or tolerance left these days and it feels like it's been building up for a long time. I really hope there are some people out there who can relate to this because I'm starting to feel concerned about it. I never used to let my annoyance show with people such as shop assistants etc, but now it's hard to hold back if they say something that bugs me or treat me like I'm not there. I went to fill up my car with petrol the other day, it was late in the afternoon & ds had just had a tantrum in a shopping centre about half an hour before. I also had a head cold and felt quite stressed TBH. Anyway I went inside to pay for the petrol and while I'm waiting for the receipt, the unsmiling guy behind the counter says to me "Having fun?" I thought it was an inane question so I said something like 'I don't think there's anything fun about buying petrol is there?' and walked out. DH and I were also looking at lounge suites in a furniture store yesterday and found a style that we both liked. The sales assistant came up and I asked if we could get the lounge in a certain colour, and he said no it only comes in chocolate brown, charcoal or beige. I could see a nice blue fabric hanging a few feet away that I really liked but he said it wasn't possible to have the fabric I liked unless I wanted to pay a whole lot extra for it. This furniture store is supposed to be able to mix and match their styles and fabrics to suit your individual decor, but this guy started to trying to sell me a lounge suite in a colour that was totally unsuitable. Normally I would've been able to put up with it a bit easier but ds was running around the store and then dh says to me "I don't care about the colour, I just want this style", when NOTHING in our house would've matched it. I ended up being a bit impatient/sarcastic with the sales assistant because I couldn't believe he was trying to get me to buy a lounge suite in a colour that I didn't want, and I was also annoyed with dh. I am just having so much trouble hiding my irritation these days and I feel bad about it afterwards, but it's like I just can't put up with stuff like this anymore.

To top it off, last night my mother - who regularly comes out with critical and judgmental comments - snapped at me for no reason during a conversation (which hurt), & then dh inferred that the house wasn't clean enough even though I do my best to keep it tidy. I'm also studying and have just finished my exams, and I assume almost total responsibility for our ds. I do virtually everything for ds, so I lost it a bit with dh and told him that maybe the house would be a bit cleaner if he helped me more often.

My friends see me as this easy-going, patient, smiling person, but this is how I am on the surface with them, while I find it very easy to lose it with dh these days. For years I lived with a very critical mother and a very distant father, & in the last couple of years I've had some major things happen in my life. After all this time, I think I'm just feeling very angry. Sorry for this long rant but I'm just hoping that someone can relate to how I'm feeling. I realise it's probably a lot of inner stress that's making me act this way, but I never used to be like this and I hate it.

Nic, I think you are only very tired and need time for yourself, with yourself and nobody else. You have been through a lot of stressful things lately with the exams, assuming total responsibility for your DS, you are trying very hard and is completely normal that your tolerance level are down. Now that the exams are over probably you could find sometime for yourself? just a little time when you can disconnect from all the day routine?

Hi. I feel similar to you - I left a curt message on a delivery man's ansafone on Monday and complained to the company BUT the thing that concerns me is taht I am start to lose my rag with DD for no apparent reason _ i find myself yelling at her alot - promise myself every morning that I will not shout at her and feel crap when I do. In fact I have just got off the phone to somebody about learning transcendental meditation in an attempt to make me calmer. No answers I'm afraid but at least you know that you are not alone.

I can completely relate to this, Nic. It sounds like you are under quite a bit of stress and you're having a completely natural reaction. I bite the head off anyone who so much as looks at me these days Just today I yelled at a bloke in a whacking great 4x4 who was trying to nick my (mother and baby) parking space - usually I'd back down but I was flashing my lights, leaning on the horn, yelling choice obscenities out the window like a fishwife...lovely. And smart remarks like your petrol guy just make me want to smack 'em!

Chandra is right. You have to find some time for yourself. You're working hard and probably pretty much 24 hours a day, right? I know it's easier said than done but it is so important. Sod the house not being clean enough - surely your dh knows where the hoover is if he's not satisfied? Is there any way you can get some time to yourself? Can someone else look after ds even just for an afternoon? I have to say that (sounds silly perhaps but...) yoga and a bit of meditation work wonders for me - even if my meditation is just 10 minutes in a hot bath with a flannel over my face!

Sorry if this isn't much help, but I really do know how you feel.

I agree - you sound knackered and stressed-out, and no wonder. He can clean the sodding house!

Absolbloddylutely Nic, he can clean the house, I quite agree with MI. And he can give you a break from your ds and shut the f* up about that being the only style he wants, it's not just up to him ffs. Sympathy, anyway. Moomin, thanks for that description of getting the p&t space, it made me laugh!

Nic, do you think you could be depressed? I spent a long time feeling as you describe, and didn't identify it as depression because it crept up on me slowly in the year after DS was born. I felt as if i was mentally gritting my teeth all the time, my patience was very short, and I had to make an effort to be the calm, level person my friends thought i was. I felt as if all my thoughts and feelings were rinsed in something negative that i had to wash out before showing them in public. Also feeling fairly detatched from close and important emotional events, while getting overwhelmingly affected by more tivial things.
It might be worth having a chat with a sympathetic GP if this feels like you. Some causes of depression are as physical as aneamia or any other chemical imbalance in the body.
But it does sound as if you need an opportunity for some attention and care for yourself, whatever enables you to rejuvenate yourself.

Your message really struck a cord with me as I realise that this sounds just like me, I have also been through the mill and back in the last year and it is definitely catching up. I can feel insanely irritated by things that can't be helped/or just happen.

Like you, very few of my friends would have a real clue as to how furious I can feel about things at times (it is too exhausting to share with others and I hate draining other peoples resources - which is my particular problem I think).

I often think back to when I was younger and how ready I was to take on the world, but because of various events that have occured I can often feel like a wet rag that has been squeezed too much. I am awful at sharing this with people - DP gets a vague idea occasionally when I really let rip out of the blue at times, it shocks us both! I can be my own worse enemy for "holding it together" for others and then forgetting to take care of myself.

I can' advise you any further than anyone else as I'm still figuring out myself how to deal with it all but just know that you are not alone and I am right here if you want to chat. I would definitely go for the time out for yourself option if you can though.

(Sorry, that really came pouring out!)

Good point Blu, I think depression can play a big part in it all - Nic04, dont mean to hijack your thread so hope you get the answers that will help you most of all.

Nic, you are not alone. I am the same.

Libb - agree with everything you say too!

Thanks everyone. Libb - no problem, rant all you want It's good to know that someone else feels the same way. I wish I could figure out what the problem is, like you I try hard to keep everything together but it can be a real struggle. When I lived with my parents I was made to feel guilty or inadequate a lot of the time, and now I feel as though I'm supposed to apologise just for having my own thoughts and opinions, and for living my life the way I want to?! I SO want to be more assertive in my everyday life and not care so much about what other people think, and in a way I think the frustration of feeling like this makes me react the way I do.

Moomin I do get a bit of time to myself but it seems there is always something to do. Whenever ds isn't here I tend to catch up on housework or something like that, so I'm probably not getting a lot of time to do things I enjoy doing... I should probably take a bit more time out for myself.

Blu it is very possible that depression is playing a part. I have tried a couple of anti-depressants in the past with not much success, they made me feel worse instead of better. I also considered counselling but it seems to be so expensive, and I would probably need to go several times to get any benefit out of it. How did you overcome the way you felt? Are you better now?

Re: dh, it's the old story of because I'm not 'working', he thinks I should do everything at home. Nevermind that ds takes up so much of my time, as does studying and looking after the house. After I let him have it the other night, he did a basket of ironing and made the bed the next morning, so I think he knew he wasn't entirely in the right

Nic, I am getting over it, successfully, with the help of a low dose of Cipralex (which suited me very well after a difficult first few days), a sympathetic GP who talks to me sensibly about the role and effect of ADs, but most importantly the acceptance that I did have a problem. Explaining it and sharing it with my DP has also helped (instead of just getting snappy and moody with him!). I am also making more of an effort (less successfully!) to get more excercise, and create a little bit of leeway for myself.
My Gp tells me that ADs simply allow the body to build up stocks of the right hormone (serotonin?) which have been knocked sideways by the hormonal disturbance of pregnancy and bf-ing. Once the body has had time to recover it's reserves, ADs can be abandoned again - as long as there is no ongoing problem with other forms of depression. She says that ADs cannot bring you 'higher' than your natural state - just bring you to the state you would normally be in when the brain is functioning as usual. This has felt true for me.

Feeling calmer has enabled me to make more space for myself, feel better about myself, and is therefore an 'upward spiral'.

I'm not saying ADs are right for everyone, but I wish I had been less afraid of admitting that I had a real problem, and sorted myself out sooner.

Nic - I can't know if your problems are an overload of temporary stress (and more than understandable, at that!), or whether you might have a touch of depression, but don't be afraid of thinking about it.
XXXXX

Nic, I had counselling on the NHS. It was a bit of a wait to start but totally free. I had individual counselling via the Child health Clinic when my DD was about 3 & I couldn't cope with her, then 3 years ago (she was 15 by then) I was referred for Group Therapy. I fought it because I don't like groups, & it took a long time before I was comfortable to speak, but after 2 years of once a week I felt really well for the first time ever.

I've always had this real rage inside of me & thought it was normal. It was only when I started taking ADs & it went away that I realised that it wasn't normal at all. I still get angry/upset etc but not ALL THE TIME, like I used to. Just now when the situation warrants it, or I'm tired.

I also have a hypercritical mother (got to be linked, hasn't it.)