oh god, what on earth do i do now?long but please read..

[doziduck]

Had the most awful day yesterday. Ds1 has always been pretty challenging, he has never seemed to get it that he's a child and we are the adults. Frequently he tells me what to do and speaks to me like i'm some sort of idiot! He's only 8 but seems much older. I have been quite upset recently after he said shockingly in a state of rage over not being allowed his own way that he wished he could kill himself.I'm not altogether sure he meant it the same way an adult would but still. I have come to realise that he has very low self esteem and i have been trying to do something about it.
He has been getting stressed that he can't swim and he's going to look foolish when he has to go with school in september, but numerous times we have tried to help/teach him and he just goes off saying stop telling me what to do. We had decided to go to the pool every sunday now.
yesterday ds1 was refusing to go swimming, we were rushing and things were getting stressy. ds1 was refusing to get in the car shouting big time, once in the car i could see dp getting v v angry and i said he should ignore him but NO he wouldn't, i shout at dp, dp swings the car round like a raving looney and takes us back home, getting out of the car and saying to ds1 to my utter horror 'ahhhh i hate ya'. Well, i have cried and cried. He has spent time talking to ds1 about it trying to make things right since. I spoke to him this morning and he said he doesn't know what his dad had said to him just that he was shouting at him but i don't know if hes telling the truth. I am so worried what that behaviour has done to him and now i can't even speak to dp i am so upset with him. I just feel like running away. It seems no matter how hard i try i can't get things right and there is always someone having a tantrum or moaning, i feel so stressed. please someone give me some advice.
btw i am not a newbie, just changed my name.

doziduck i feel for you...my ds1 is nearly 5 and is exactly the same! he keeps saying he wants to die when he can't have the toy he wants. he then proceeds to say he hates me when i say no and throws himself around, stomping and shouting all the way back to the car, then screams all the way home that he hates me and wishes i was dead and would go away and leave him. (at times i wish i could leave as well when he gets this bad!!) its a nightmare!!! i try to ignore it as much as i can but it is difficult isn't it?

I wouldn't worry too much, especially abou the "hate you" bit! I don't think children take on as much as we do. To him it was just being shouted at. They have to learn that the grownups get angry when pushed too far. Wonder if you could enrol him in a course of swimming lessons during the holidays? Definitely got one of mine started. Would probably help his self esteem too, if he managed to sweim.

Hello DoziDuck, My dd wouldnt accept any help swimming from me so I have had her in swimming lessons for half an hour once a week so it take the stress off of me, as she wont listen, and wasnt learning a thing. You can get a sort of speedier sort of lesson, where they go on a crash course and they go every couple of days till they learn, my cousins just had her son do one of those before he goes off on a beaver trip. Hes 8 too. Id contact the swimming pool and see what they have to offer.
If he learns to swim that in itself will boost his confidence.
The shouting stressy episode happens to us all at some point and it just means your son will now know if he keeps push push pushing someone will blow, if he did or didnt realise what his dad had said he will know it was because everyone was really stressed and if youve spoken to him about it he should recover soon! Big hugsxx

He's probably saying what he does just for a response, not because he means it. As for the swimming, I have a slight fear of water and never learnt to swim at school, only learnt when I was about 18, so I wouldn't worry too much there - can he be let off swimming if he hates it?