Secret stepson...here's a dilema for you

[alcyone]

A long story, i'll try to be concise.
Met my husband 13 years ago, he told me he had two daughters dd1 dd2 and was no longer with ex. all true.
He then told me he had a son ds with a different woman, and that she didn,t want him to be involved(she found new partner)..also true.
Dd1 and dd2 unaware of ds existance.
Fell in love, got married, became stepmum to dd1 &dd2, all is good.DH always reluctant to discuss ds, his parents have no knowledge of their grandson.
Several years later i have 2 beautiful girls dd3 and dd4.
DILEMMA....Do i upset the apple cart and tell my girls about their long lost brother?
Don;t like secrets....buried our heads for too long.
This will result in world war 3, but i have the kids interests at heart.
Your thoughts would be appreciated...

I certainly think that your dh should be open about things with his/your family. I'm confident that the openness in my family about the whole situation was one of the reasons why we gelled so well. But I do think I would have resented being contacted by my birth father. It would have implied a distinction between me and my brother and sister that I never felt. ANd it might well have upset the relationship between me and my dad. So I guess I feel the opposite to tigermoth...

I know lots of people want to know their birth parents, but I never did. I feel the initiative should come from the child.

It is hard to get dh to face up to it without 'interfering' which brings me back to the first post!Think i might turn ostrich

I think men can feel differently about these things to women - know two different situations where men have children who are now in their 20s that they haven't seen since they were babies - they could easily get in touch with them if they wanted to but haven't (and it wasn't that they didn't want to know about them when they were born - mothers and grandparents denied them access). I would be desperate to meet a child I hadn't seen since they were a baby - so wonder if it is a male thing?

I'd be quite assertive in pushing dh to contact his son, because his son by going on the internet has shown quite strongly that he want to make contact with his father. Yes, it's not ideal, but I don't believe in family secrets and you have all imagined only a bad response for so long that you now believe this is a fact, instead of just in your imaginations. You don't know his parents will be angry. They might be overjoyed to have a grandson. The girls might be thrilled to have a brother after all these years. You just don't know until you try. I know someone who found she had a fourth sister as an adult. Her mother had had a baby and given it up for adoption then gone on to have three more children. They were all absolutely overjoyed to have found each other and are very close. It may be awkward, it may be difficult, but your dh cannot know this for sure. I think it's time he made contact, privately at first, but the aim of introducing this boy to his sisters in time.

Does he talk to you about it though, alcyone? Just in a general chat kind of way, nothing deep and heavy?

Ah, missed the Friends Reunited bit. Then yes, it looks like he's made the first step.

In which case, I agree with Aloha. Could your dh make contact through an intermediary first to make sure it was what the boy wants?

Sorry for pause...been dishing up pasta!
yES dh does talk about, mainly when i prompt him, although he does get really stressed and panicky, i know he would like to meet his son.He really did nearly contact via friends reunited, but then bottled it,because he knows that by making contact he will be beginning a proccess that will end in the inevitable ..teling everyone else.
DH home from work now... going to let him read it