Has dd dropped me in it or am I just a cow and it serves me right?

[Moomin]

Generally I don't like it when people drop in unannounced, which all boils down to when I first got together with dh and his family would just descend en masse without warning. My objection is that its presumptious to assume the person you're visiting is has got nothing better to do i.e. get out of their pyjamas, but also stop working (I do a lot of marking at home), or interrupt you when you've got other friends round, etc. Dh is much more of the 'come on in, what a lovely surprise' school of thought.

Recently I've been a bit more laid-back about it; mostly because dd1 has started school and we sometimes have her friends dropping by now. If it's genuinely inconvenient I say so but, if they don't mind the house being a tip, which it is, then it's not so bad really.

A family have moved into the area recently from abroad and their little girl is in dd's class. They get on famously and we've met the parents a few times and we get on very well. The dad has made several comments about how hard he's found it making friends as he's very open and friendly and he's found a few people round here quite closed-off and not very warm. Therefore, we've made a big effort to make him and his wife and child welcome and we've done a few things all together. He and the daughter were passing today and dropped by. It was great to see them and they stopped for an hour or so. The girls played and we had a coffee with him. But when they were leaving dd1 pipes up: 'You know you shouldn't really go to someone's house when you haven't been invited though.' Dh heard her and said 'dd, that's not a nice thing to say'. and she replied 'Well that's what mummy always says.'

Dh didn't tell me she'd said this until after they'd gone and i feel really horrible now. The truth is, I have said this in the past and I meant it but I really don't mean it about these people, and I'm just wondering if I'm getting my comeuppance for being such an unsociable cow for years. I don;t want him to feel uncomfortable. Dh says he really wouldn't worry if this was said to him as he'd assume it's the child saying the wrong thing, but I don't know whether I should ring them or something?

No, don't bother ringing them, but do make sure you make extra special effort to see them, so they know they are liked.

I wouldn't call them but would invite them to something quite soon so they know you do like them, they almost certainly won't think anything of your dd's comment, if a child said it to me I wouldn't necessarily assume it WAS the adult's view.

If this had been said to me, I would assume that the child had been told this to discourage them from inviting themself to other people's houses. It is what I always say to ds, when he asks if we can visit so-and-so (usually random people we don't really know at all, but who ds regards as his bosom friends, like the man who mows the grass in the park!).

If this is the first time they have dropped in unannounced, they will know you haven't sid it with regards to them, anyway. I wouldn't make things potentially more awkward by phoning and trying to explain it. But I might phone / make an excuse to drop round fairly soon and make a point of saying how good it was too see them.

I am also an unsociable cow and struggle with things like this so I feel your embarrassment

No, agree with colditz, make an extra special effort to see them soon. It is a pain when people drop in unannounced and it does always seem to happen at the most inappropriate time. BUT, it's nice that people feel comfortable enough to do that with you and I think it's a compliment. The alternative would be far worse imo.

You have every right to say that though! You have not been an unsociable cow at all, I'm sure. It's quite reasonable not to want people just dropping in at all times. I would keep arranging meet ups with this family, since you like them so much, and forget about the comment - I am sure they won't make too much of it.

phew! thanks for replies, they all make perfect sense. I was cross with dh not to have jumped in like I would have and said what F&Z said 'No, dd, that's for when you are wanting to drop in on everyone at any time' but he didn't think that fast and just immediately said 'AMmmmmmmm! dd's dropped you right in it!' So really, he's made it seem worse than it is, the big lummux. Double

we did have right old rows with his folks though when they were constantly doing this. His mum was much more understanding than his dad who used to say 'I'm buggered if I'm making an appointment to see my own son' when I made it clear that they weren't to just come round whenever they pleased. I wouildn't mind but they used to bring sister-in-law, her two kids and poor old grandad too! at 10am on a Sunday morning!! It's no wonder I'm twitchy when the doorbell rings now