How would you feel?

[fabandforty]

I am married and we have 2 children 5 and 3.
We have no family nearby and so it's normally just us and the children.
We have'nt been out on our own in over 5 years.

Anyway DH has a new job this last couple of years and he really enjoys it.
It has started to open up with more work abroad just lately and he has been away for the odd few days previously.

He is in Cyprus at the moment for 2 weeks due back on Sunday and rang tonight to say that they have more work in Finland for another 2 weeks.
It would mean him coming home sunday for a few days then he will be off again.
He then drops into the conversation might be a job for a month in the Bahamas.

All very causally he says think about it and then 5 mins later what do you think?

Now I know this is a great opputunity for him and don't want to sound selfish but their is a possibility another colleague could go instead.

I just feel a tad resentful when he rings from hs 5 star hotel with hbis marina view and in the background the children are fighting and he askswhy I am stressed and shouting down the phone.

I am coping on my own and I know single mothers/fathers do it all the time,but it is lonely and hard at times.

It's always been just me and the children most of the time anyway but miss the adult conversation and just need a break myself sometimes.
It's non stop and I never have anyone to have the children for an hour or so just so I can get my thoughts together from time to time.
People nearby have parents or grandparents who have been helping out this half term and I feel so alone as my parents died quite a few years ago.

So this last week has been quite difficult on my own and did'nt help DH just ringing up and matter of fact saying "oh I could be going to Finland for a couple of weeks".
As he was relaxing in the restaurant after his meal with a bottle of wine or two!!!!!

Is there any way you could join him on any of his trips?

Are you in a position to hire a babysitter from time to time so you can go out with a friend? Would give you a break, and a treat too.

Could you and the children go out to meet him for a long weekend on some of the longer trips?

Think you need to talk to him about how to be practically and emotionally supportive from a distance so that you don't feel like a single parent.

That's a really tough situation to be in tbh. My dp works away a lot and it is a pain but I do have a bit of support in the form of dss. Is there any way that someone could come and stay with the kids whilst you joined him for a week in the Bahamas. The hotel room will be paid for anyway so it would just cost you the price of a flight.

Yup. I'd be fed up too.
Do you want him to stop travelling as much or do you just want him to be more sensitive to your situation?

Thanks for the replys.

It would'nt be possible for us to join him on any of the trips ,I'm afraid to say.

AS for babysitters I don't really know anyone to ask and my ds has special needs so would be difficult for him to be left with someone he was'nt comfortable with.

It's probably me just feeling sorry for myself.

DH rings us everyday via skype and using the webcam so i get to see him in this fab hotel or outside by the marina having his lunch and I am stuck in with the children on a cold wet day.
Although must say the children have been fairly well behaved and aslep by 7.30 which is good for them.

I think it was his matter of fact tone about the whole thing,beraing in mind they are 2 hours ahead and him a few drinks ahead.

would it do his career harm if you said no to the Bahamas trip. Imo a month is a long time with two kids not to mind one with special needs.

Are the children in school? If so, could they have an extended day from time to time to give you more of a break? Could one of their school teachers do a spot of babysitting? Many teachers are interested in work to earn extra cash...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds very legit to be fed up, I'd be very jealous, and I don't think that's selfish in this case. Sounds like you need a chat with him about being a bit more sensitive.

Or completely rub in what he's missing being away from the children?

I know ,as his mother says,it is good for his career and his own father worked away a lot.
But his mother had a sister and her mother around to help out.

I am pleased for him but it's just all come at the wrong time and close together.

We were in the process of applying for a statement for our DS and have meetings etc booked and appointments with paediatricians ,SALT'S etc which I will have to deal with alone.
i can manage that as have had to attend a lot of the meetings on my own before and write the report for the statement this last week whilst DH was away,just a bit of support and a shoulder to cry on would have ben nice.
DS is coming on so well at school at the moment and made a massive step forward last week at school with his difficulties and had no one to tell and talk about it too.

DS is a very sensitive little boy and really needs to trust someone before he will open up to them .
I am not suRe I would be happy leaving him and also dd is very clingy she would'nt be happy ethier.

I know he is missing the children and he is probably in reality feeling homesick.

I just wish he had'nt mentioned the other trip before he is even home from this one!!!

Although there was a bit of pressure for my answer as he says they will need to book the flights.

I can hardly say no.

I am so sorry that both your parents died, fandf. You do need more support, and if relatives and dh are not available, you need to cultivate friends locally, join a babysitting circle perhaps. Even though dh and I are lucky to have parents still living, we have never been able to rely on them for childcare as they are too old, and don't live near enough. People will be strangers at first, of course, but if you see them often enough they will become familiar. No man is an island.

Also, is there a family centre in your area? Could be a help.

Thanks for all your replys.

Have a few of the other mothers I chat to at the school but I know I should make more of an effort and invite them for coffee etc,

It's just building up my confidence to ask them.

fabandforty, where abouts are you? the nanny we use is fantastic and deals with special needs. You really do sound like you need time alone with your dh.

I don't understand why you could not take a holiday out to the Bahamas for a week or ten days. Is it the travelling? You and the kids could do your own things during the day (playing on beaches etc) and meet your DH in the evenings for dinner.