Been Put In Awful Situation RE a Reference For the Social Services. Advice Please.

[mrsmaddyd]

Am i being un reasonable in not wanting to complete a reference fo the social services.

Its for my inlaws and they are looking to foster. I hardly know my sister and brother in law at all. I cant judge as only met the sister in law a handfull of times in the 6 six years ive known them. I never speak to them, they are like starngers to me. The family are always slating the wife, she is apperently lazy, wont work even though they have no children. The husband works 12 hour days and apparently she doesnt even cook for him. Buts thats all hear say and as we are not flys on the wall then we really dont know what goes on do we???

Im quite angry as they didnt even phone to ask if i would do this for them.

My husband thinks i should do it as its his brother and all though he doesnt care for his wife it the RIGHT THING TO DO.

Well actually i dont think it is.

Tell them you don't know them well enough.

Why can't your brother give the reference?

TBH we're talking about really vulnerable children here and if you're not 100% sure I wouldn't do it.

I think you just need to say you don't know them well enough to do this sort of thing for them and they should approach a friend they see more regularly.

Isn't there a stipulation on the form that you need to have known the person concerned (well) for a certain amount of time? It could be that you're actually breaking the law by signing such a declaration.

It's a difficult situation as they're family but personally, I wouldn't do it if I didn't feel comfortable with it.

It's very unlikely that they're a danger to children, even if she is extremely lazy (hearsay as you said) However, if you don't know them,you cannot give an accurate character reference.

Good luck!

Thats what i am going to say, its the truth anyway. But then it leaves things very awkard with my husband and the brother.

I think you cant ask immediate family for a reference.

When children are concerned i just dont want to take the risk.

She is lazy, ive witnessed that my self whilst running around the kitchen on Christmas day, she wouldnt even clear her own plate, but laziness isnt a threat to children. However the questions on the sheet are about how they are in thier relationship and things like that and i Honestly can not ans them as i dont know

Could you reply to the SS enquiry saying that you can't provide the in-depth reference that they require, as you don't know the people well enough?
Writing a reference for someone you barely know in order for them to foster children is not the right thing to do - I think your DH is wrong to expect you to do something like this.
I would be uneasy about it too - and I would refuse, TBH.

Just state the truth - that you have known them for X years, but, due to geographical location, you have only met Y times and have no direct knowledge or experience of their suitability as foster parents.

It is a huge cheek to put someone as a reference without clearing it with them first. I wouldn't do that even to close friends, let alone someone I scarcely knew. Unless they've done it because they don't actually have any friends who could give a suitable reference and thought you couldn't refuse as family.

I would ring SS and explain. I'm sure they woud rather you do that than provide a reference that is not relevent and perhaps they could tell your in-laws you are family and not eligible to reply?

2nervesleft that sound like a good idea, as i really dont want any ill feeling within the family.

If im honest though i just dont want to do it. I believe that fostering should be done by selfless people who really really want to help theese vunerable kiddies and not by some one that is just lonely and is just doing it for her own interests.

There ive said it, ive been a bitch but its how i feel. If we really knew each other then they would have phoned and asked for my permission first wouldnt they?

Freckle im afraid to say you have hit the nail on the head. They dont have many friends as the husband works alot, she is lonely im sure but she could just get a job working with children if she truley belives that her path in life is looking after children

not wanting to sound cynical but I know someone who fosters through an agency and gets a mint for doing it.

stick to your guns as it'll only niggle away at you.

you're wrong if you think that being lazy won't affect a foster child

some children have severe problems / terrible backgrounds ..even those who don't being in the foster system can be difficult and a foster carer who can't be bothered to actively help that child would be not worthwhile

personally I'd call Brother and SIL and tell them that you can't fill it out as you really don't know them that well and suggest they find someone else although you'll probably have huge family ructions for ti

as her SIL I wouldn't think you could be classes as an impartial witness anyway - do they know you are her SIL ?

will SIL and BIL see the reference? You could just tell the truth on it if not. Although the lazy bit is hearsay. Could you visit her home and have a chat before you do it?

I should think so seen as we are both have the same surname

I don't know if they've changed the rules since we were approved as foster carers but then (almost 20 years ago) it wasn't just giving a written reference, social services came out and interviewed our referees.

I wouldn't give a reference to anyone caring for children unless I knew them really well and had spent time with them regularly.

I agree Twiglett. Though just because she's 'lazy' with her husband does not mean she wouldn't put her all into being a mother. However, the fact of the matteris that mrsmaddyd doesn't know her well enough to judge either way and therefore shouldn't do the reference.

Have just spoken to my husbands sister and she agrees with me. She doesnt think it will cause any ill feeling within the family and hopes not too as her husband has also recieved one and he is refusing to fill it out.

being a foster parent is much more than being a mother though .. its WORKING with children in a maternal role .. children who you have not helped shape .. children who come with their own baggage

if she wants to be a 'mother' without having children then she should consider childminding

'kin 'ell if they aren't doing it either I'd get your refusal in sharpish .. you don't want to be 2nd in that particular conversation

Exactly what i said Twiggy. She doent work and can work so there are lots of options open to her.

Well surprise surprise after nearly a year since ive spoken to them they phoned last night, well the brother did anyway.

He asked if i would write a reference and i told him i was surprised he had asked me as i dont know anything about them to which he couldnt ans. I ended the phone call saying there was a lot of questions that i couldnt honestly ans so it would be difficult for me to do and i wasnt going to fill it out with just anything because they are family and i need to give it alot of thought, readi it through properply and ans as honestly as i can. Which basically means all my ans will be. I cannot ans this as i do not know them well enough

Hope it makes them think!!! Bloody cheek

yes bloody cheek indeed!! you did right mrsmaddyd