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Original poster

Stranger photographing my daughter in a swimming costume/tickling...am I over-reacting?

57 replies

Notsurehow · 21/09/2016 15:42

Will try to keep this brief.
In the Summer,DD went on a playdate and told to bring swimmers as playdate's neighbour has a pool and the girls could go for a swim.

DD and her 2 friends went for swim and it transpired on the journey home that neighbour was male,his child was not at home,he got in the pool with the girls and was tickling them,stroking their legs and "touching my butt,lifting us up" to quote my DD.
He also took photos of them.

I played this down with DD but it played on my mind and decided I had to talk to the Mother of the friend.
When I did this,it transpired that her DD never wanted to go over there alone and on two separate occasions had "twanged her bikini" and asked her to take her top off so he could take a photo.She refused,told him not to be stupid and left as she was on her way out of the house.He said he was only joking.

The girls are 11yrs old and the bikini accident happened when she was 10.His daughter is 7yrs old and goes to the same school.
He is the main carer for his DD as works from home a lot and his wife works full time.

What would you think if it was your DD?

What would you do?

Would be grateful for opinions.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 21/09/2016 23:10

Does she 'like' the dad? Something's very very wrong here.

Anyway you did right getting the police involved. Hope you and the girls will be ok.

Original poster
Notsurehow · 21/09/2016 23:22

If only I had known then what I know now....

There is no real excuse,she lives in a bit of a bubble, but given her daughter felt uncomfortable about going there alone and what she had said previously, she was at fault.

She definintely doesn't have a thing for him...he has invested significant effort in grooming the whole family hook,line and sinker.

I am a bit worried about my daughter as she knows how wrong it was and is a bit freaked out about it now the police are involved and she is thinking it all over again.

She mentioned this evening that he put on a snorkel and mask when they did in the pool...I wonder why!?

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 21/09/2016 23:25

I think it's best not to speculate now.

WomanActually · 21/09/2016 23:42

What could have been on her plate that she doesn't react when her 10 year old dd tells her the neighbour had asked her to remove her top so he could take photos of her naked chest? No wonder her dd didn't want to go alone, and I hope her Mum not stopping her from going or reporting him hasn't given her dd a message that what he did was ok, or not something to make a fuss about etc.

I know you say she feels bad, and I have no idea what she was going through at the time, but I'd be angry if one if dds friends parents allowed her to go to the home of someone they knew had already tried to get young children to remove their clothing for photographs. I'm sorry, and she probably feels terrible.

I hope both girls get through it all without any long lasting effects Flowers

BlairWaldorfxOxO · 21/09/2016 23:56

I've started trying to write this message so many times now. I have no idea what you must all be going through. Thinking of you all X

2014newme · 22/09/2016 08:31

Yes but there isn't excuse for you not reporting it to the police at the time! It was only when people here were shocked you took it seriously.
Poor kids!

Original poster
Notsurehow · 22/09/2016 09:05

Sleepless night here with all sorts of things going through my head.

You are wrong 2014newme I HAD instigated the authorities being informed before I posted yesterday.

The Mother of the friend and her husband are now thinking they have "opened a can of worms and this could happen to anyone".

My sympathy has gone as they are falling for the "nice neighbour innocently entertaining kids" scenario.

Feel sick at what more he may have done to others and am hoping the police will tell me today why he was under investigation and what I can do about the photos.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 22/09/2016 09:10

Did your dd friends mum let your girls play there after knowing about him asking her dd to take her top off?
Or did that come out after?

ToxicLadybird · 22/09/2016 09:15

The mother is minimising because she doesn't want to face up to the fact that she knowingly put her daughter, your daughter, and any other innocents she's invited over at risk.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/09/2016 09:18

Id tell the wife and husband to fottfsof. Their daughter could have been assaulted! They put yours in that position too. I don't care how nice a fucking bloke he seemed, all the evidence says otherwise. Idiots.

knockknockknockknock · 22/09/2016 09:21

Hope your daughter is ok now and in the future x

PoisonousSmurf · 22/09/2016 09:23

You did the right thing in advising the authorities. If he was innocent, he would NOT have got in the pool with the children. Think about it. Man all ALONE, no other adult. He's either very stupid or a paedophile!
The police will be going through his computer with a fine toothcomb by now.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 22/09/2016 09:24

Do you have a history of abuse/molestation?
If so, get some counseling so you can reset your own boundaries and learn how to protect your daughter!

You didn't go to the police for a week despite a clear incident of abuse happening to your daughter and you were making excuses for your neighbor (who probably knows more than she is letting on).

My guess is that in a few weeks you'll be letting your daughter go back there!

PoisonousSmurf · 22/09/2016 09:33

That's a bit below the belt A11!
In the 70s I lived in Switzerland. My dad was at work all day and my mum could hardly speak any French so felt isolated. A male neigbour made friends with her along with his wife and they would take me and my brother (then aged 7 and 5), on outings.
Little did my mum know that they were abusing us. They would make us touch their private parts (the man and the woman) and chase us around whilst naked.
We always go away, so they never did anything truly terrible to us. But the most terrible thing was that my parents DIDN'T BELIEVE US!
They kept sending us to them!
To cut a long story short, another child was molested by this couple and their names were plastered all over the papers.
My parents put 'two and two' together and I ended up being pulled out of class to talk to the police.
Never knew what happened after that, as a few months later we moved back to the UK, this was already in the pipeline.
Always believe your kids!
They count on you to protect them!

And yes, my Paedo radar is on full alert all the time!!

FruitCider · 22/09/2016 09:33

Glad you responded once you had the facts. Holding your hand OP.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 22/09/2016 09:38

poisonousSmurf

Your parents were terrible not to believe you. They seem like fucking idiots.

OP is giving me minimize and appease vibes.

PoisonousSmurf · 22/09/2016 09:43

My mum had depression (bi-polar) and at that time it was bad. So she spent all day in bed. Don't think she was terrible. But could not cope.
My dad worked all hours and I think he used to hide at work to get away from it all.
We did have other neighbours who looked after us. Makes me wonder if it was 'today', would we have been on some kind of 'at risk' register?
Had to grow up fast.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 22/09/2016 09:52

I'd say as this is part of a criminal investigation now, discussing on mumsnet might not be the best idea.

Mycraneisfixed · 22/09/2016 10:07

Discussing it on Mumsnet is an extremely good idea. If you haven't had any experience of abuse in the family or close friends you may not quite trust your own judgement or instincts. Paedophiles are often charming and 'nice'. They wouldn't be able to get close to their prey if they weren't.
OP hasn't given any identifying details.

RisforRaRa · 22/09/2016 12:26

What are the things to look out for? Expecting the worst when people are merely nice (or is it just about men being nice) would foster some sort of paranoia, no?

I know one middle-aged couple, (ex neighbours) where the man is over friendly with my dc. It has always made me keep my distance but then he is like this to me, my sister and my mother who is pretty old, always wanting to kiss for greetings. I would never leave my dc alone with them but I believe he is probably just genuinely friendly with a bad radar for other people's boundaries. Also over friendliness can be cultural, what we perceive as too much, touchy feely is perfectly normal for people from Greece or Italy.... Obviously asking children to undress is a clear sign but what are more subtle signs to look out for without expecting the worst from people?

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 22/09/2016 13:05

poisonoussmurf

The problem is that predators target children they think are vulnerable. Abuse rates for care homes or for children with disabilities are sky high.

People constantly knock social workers for coming round because "the house is dirty" or being "disablist" or get shirty about people trying to check up on them after a birth but they are trying to evaluate risk factors.

Ris

Proactive role playing and teaching. Actually looking for personality and other changes in your kids. Also (sorry it's controversial) but actually NOT looking for random surrogate parents to take your children on so you can take days off.

SnotGoblin · 22/09/2016 13:17

I grew up next door to a friendly neighbour with a pool who was very hospitable to all the local young girls. Report, report, report.

SnotGoblin · 22/09/2016 13:20

I just read your follow up. Pat yourself on the back for taking your DD seriously and acting on your instincts.

RisforRaRa · 22/09/2016 13:33

"Proactive role playing and teaching. Actually looking for personality and other changes in your kids. Also (sorry it's controversial) but actually NOT looking for random surrogate parents to take your children on so you can take days off."

YY to both suggestions. One crappy side effect is more stressed out parents.... Also jumping on every 'change in personality' could become a bit oppressive for the child. It seems quite a task to strike a balance. I am usually erring on the 'too careful' side which also means that I am rather easily stressed and a bit uptight..

PumpkinPie9 · 22/09/2016 13:53

If my dd had gone on a playdate a week ago (after school presumably) I would say she went on a playdate last week, i wouldn't say she went on a playdate "in the Summer" as you did in your op.