Feel like I'm back at school

[Nic04]

I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do about 'school gate' politics. At the moment I'm feeling a bit left out and can't really put my finger on WHY... maybe it's my perception of the whole thing but it seems as though everyone else is friendly with each other and I'm feeling a bit on the outer. My son is only in kindy, mind you, but there already seems to be a certain group of women who have formed a bit of a clique. When I first started dropping my son off at kindy & picking him up a few months ago, I used to chat to several of these women and I have also been to a couple of evening get-togethers organised by one of the mums. Lately though, I feel as though one of them in particular is avoiding me, and I don't know why - I certainly haven't done anything to her - and today I heard her inviting people to a jewellery party she is having, & giving out her phone number. Also, a couple of times when I've been talking to another mother in the playground, this particular woman barges up and starts talking to the same mother that I'm talking to, without even acknowledging me. It is REALLY starting to get me down.. I know not everybody is going to 'click' with each other, but she was really friendly in the beginning and I don't know why she barely even talks to me now. As I said I have spent time chatting with these women socially before, but it's like I'm back at school now with the "why didn't she invite me to her party" kind of feelings. I haven't been in this type of situation for a long time and I don't know why I'm feeling so much 'on the outer'... maybe I'm imagining that they are all friendly with each other, when it may not even be the case - who knows. I think when someone hurts you, it's easy to start imagining that everyone else feels the same way. Can anyone else relate to this situation? Would appreciate some moral support... thanks.

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oh yes, I've been there too. It does get to you, even if your brain tells you it's petty. One good thing to remember, I think, is that every september one old set of parents leave ( year 6) and one new set arrive (reception), so cliques inevevitably break up, power at the PTA shifts, and fresh faces appear in the playground. I have had the nicest conversations with mothers who don't have children in my sons year. If you find a familiar set of parents are getting on your nerves, cast you eye around the playground and find someone else to chat to for the time being.

It could also be that the woman who is ignoring you lives nearer the women she is inviting to her party, or knows them better through their children all going to an after school activity. Once I was in a group of mothers who I was friendly with, who were all chatting around me about a christmas meal they were planning. It made me feel a bit left out. It was only later that I found out all the mums had children in the orchestra and ther evening had a musical connection.

i am going through exactly the same thing at the moment. nobody bothers to talk to me......i feel so alone....i have tried to make friends but people just look at me like i am something they haev scraped off their shoe. DS doesnt even get invited to the other childrens birthday partys. There is also one woman in particular who has started spreading rumours that are totally untrue about me. She cost me the only friend i did have. Really starting to get me down... my day consists of.....get up, see to kids, do housework, take ds to nursery at dinner time, come home, have dinner, do the ironing/ more housework,wash and change nappies, bottles, go get ds, do tea for kids, get them in bed, bet mine and dh dinner then go to bed. day in day out. I have noone to go to coffee with or meet up with or anything, even though i have tried and invited everyone round to my house.

Ooooh - I've posted on the duplicate thread!

It's a real drag isn't it, the back at school feeling?
I think it is particularly hard for SAHM mums because we don't have (m)any other adult relationships to counterpoint these school gate/playground ones during the course of our working day.
I mean at work one would get supported or bolstered or judged through one's acheivementd or skills in a different, somehow less personal way.
When you start feeling paranoid or ignored at the 'school gate' you feel it must be a direct result of your personality, personal qualities, hygiene- whatever.
I try and go to the other extreme and strike up conversations with everyone, or at least give them the chance to return eye contact (things are slightly different in the big smoke, I know you Northerners are generally very friendly on one level). That way I know that I've made an effort.
Also, sometimes I just can't be arsed to speak to anyone, but I would never be as rude as the woman your are having trouble with Nic04, she sounds very rude.

Sorry you're having a hard time as well busybee, I wish I knew what to say. Has your ds had problems at the school? Maybe you should confront the person who started the rumour... it's so hard isn't it.

Anyway I cannot figure this particular woman out, I went to an evening get-together for the mothers about a week ago and she sat opposite me and even chatted to me quite a lot. Then lo and behold, I see her at kindy a couple of days later and she just ignores me again. Suzywong, I've even tried the 'eye contact' thing with her several times, I smile at her and say hello, but she just mutters 'hello' back and keeps going. I don't know what it is, but now I'm starting to feel as though some of the other women aren't being as friendly as they could be either. It could be paranoia but I can't help feeling that something's wrong. Luckily ds is happy there and doesn't seem to be having problems, so I'm clueless about the whole thing - but I have started wondering whether it's about ds or about me. Sigh... the bad thing about being paranoid is you never know whether your feelings are justified or not.

Could you try asking her if something's wrong.
We have a group of friends at dd's nursery who see each other socially a bit, look after each other's kids from time to time etc.
Recently one of the mothers seemed to be blanking us - both dh and I noticed it - and we couldn't figure out what might have happened.
Eventually confronted her and it turned out she was just having some other problems and so was being a bit withdrawn. Nothing to do with us at all but it is easy to get paranoid.

Sponge it's just that she literally comes and starts talking to someone while I'm standing there talking to them, and doesn't say a word to me. She's had plenty of opportunities to say something to me, but hasn't - not for a while anyway. I just can't get over her behaviour - I don't think I could ever be so 'pointed' in ignoring someone.

ds has a few friends at nursery but that doesnt seem to make any difference. the mums still dont even seem to acknowledge i am here!! i dont want to confront her...in a way she is not worth it. I hope to be moving away from here soon anyway

Nic04 and busybee123,
my ds is only 18mths so no experience of school gate thing. also work full time atm.
I am dreading it tbh. I am reasonabley outgoing at work and with people I know, but hate that feeling of being a new person in a group who already know each other. And I do think that, although people generally do not snub strangers deliberately, people often just can't be bothered making an effort with the new person, especially if they have a group of friends they are happy with.

You both sound so lovely , though, I can't imagine why these particular individuals are acting this way.

And agree that once you start to feel a bit out of it, its easy to start getting a bit paranoid. Agree with sponge that alot of the time if people are off its got nothing to do with you.

I am sometimes guilty of blanking people myself but its only because I'm a dozy cow.

Sorry not much help, but lots of virtual moral support.

Whereabouts are you btw - have you tried a mumsnet meetup?

Busy Bee spojke to someone who used to live where you are and it's quite common do not worry it's not you it's them !!!

hello gothicmama!! ive worked that one out already!!! stuck up so and so's!!!! Pes I am in shropshire. we are arranging a mumsnet meet up in shrewsbury in july if anyone wants to come along!!!

I think we have all been there. I've come to the conclusion that some people just find others as a social threat and maybe their insecurity says it all.
I wouldn't bother with them it won't be long before they start falling out -just wait and see!

BTW are their children friends because this may explain it.
I really would stay well away and perhaps start talking to another mum who's on their own in the playground. In my experience these little groups always have elements of cattiness and I would avoid if possible. larsxx

busybee123, I seem to remember reading some of your other posts and you sound really lovely and good fun so it must definitely be them not you.
I would have loved to have met up but unfortunately am in Lancashire - a bit too far

Nic, I do think it sounds like this woman is doing something, but that you may not be her real focus. Have to say she sounds a bit pushy anyway (jewellery party bit of a giveaway?) - so the sort of person who might've decided that, whatever it takes, mothers X Y and Z are going to be HER set. So that if you're talking to X, she doesn't even really see you, she just sees poor target X. I'd guess that, because you and she have already made acquaintance, she thinks she can be sure of you so isn't going to put in any more effort and can move on to what (in her eyes) is the next rung on the social ladder. I think she doesn't sound nice at all - in fact just like a teenager, no wonder you feel you're back at school.

If you can dismiss her, I would. If that still leaves you feeling lonely, perhaps you could switch focus to the mothers of the children your son particularly gets on with, so building your own social circle from out of school playdates? (I realise that can be a bit of a lucky dip, though.) Or just bide your time till other nicer mothers get fed up with/"dumped" by the jewellery party lady too (as they will).

ah pes...thank you. thats sweet of you to say so. we can still be MN buddies though?

Agree with Binkie my mother from hell has told me that although another mum had asked me to join their book group and I wanted to she said that it was vital to come every time or people would get p'd off with me.At that time I was on dialysis and couldn't guarantee anything so I didn't join I have since found out that people dip in and out all the time-I think she is like a bloody schoolgirl-she likes to control all the mums and know exactly whats going on!

Nic04, I suspect Binkie is right. This isn't about you. I bet this other woman would be totally astonished if you said anything because she hasn't had the intention to blank you at all. Please, don't assume you can read her mind - whenever we do that we are almost invariably wrong!
Also, she sounds a dreadful person and terribly pushy so she's no loss. Do you really want to go to her house and be bullied into buying hideous jewellery for her benefit? I think not. It sounds as if you are good at talking to people and she isn't.

Nic04 and co

Oh how I sympathise with what you are saying ! If you have ever worked in an office and endured office politics, I reckon this is playground politics.

I have come to the conclusion that some people have nothing better to do with their time than cut people and gossip about them. It is hard when you are at home and feel defined by your child and how they are getting on. You are thrown together with other people you might not have a thing in common with. Having been left out of cliques, been interrupted while talking to someone by the same woman every time etc., I have rather steered clear from the groups. I just have one or two friends among the other Mums.

I found doing voluntary work saved me. I deliberately chose something that had nothing to do with children (volunteer at an adult literacy class) and ended up as a literacy tutor. It's a lot better now I have an identity of my own. Sounds hard, but some people just like being cliquey and being the leading lights of the PTA -maybe they've got nothing else.

I remember feeling that it was all my fault and getting really low about it. You just have to accept that some people are not very kind - I have had them talking about something social they were doing in front of me - I just see it as really rude and insensitive.

Hope this helps you to feel that you are not alone.

Thank you for your lovely and supportive messages. Binkie I think you've hit the nail on the head there, about: 1. her being pushy (she IS) and 2. wanting particular people as part of her set. She's quite a big woman and the best way I can describe her is like a "Queen Bee". She really seems to hone in on X (the woman I'm always talking to when she comes up and butts in). I quite like X because she is very bubbly & friendly and always says hello, but she's also got quite a bit of money (ALL of which would appeal to jewellery party lady). In her attempt to capture X's interest all the time, she may not realise that she's completely ignoring me. BUT, the thing that gets me down is that JP lady used to invite me to things too, and she used to chat to me in the playground with a couple of the other 'clique' mothers. But it just doesn't seem to happen anymore, like I've just been cut for some reason. It's really hurtful to feel as though you're included one day and excluded the next.

And the icing on the cake is that out of ds' class, there are only 6 boys and 14 girls - and four of these women are boys' mothers. There are two other women with sons in ds' class who don't appear to be part of the group, and I've gotten to know one of them a bit in the last few weeks. Her little boy is also very nice, so I might have to focus more attention on her and a couple of the women instead.

You know what it's like though.... every time I arrive at the playground I seem to see the same d*mn faces, and usually they're the ones I'd rather not see

Nic04 - I think binkie's analysis of the situation is spot on, and sounds like there are other nicer people around you anyway - good luck

busybee123 - hope the meetup is great fun

noddy5 - that's just awful, can't believe some people!! I hope your health is better (and that you have started your own book club!!)