Can you help me to make a decision?

[nearlythree]

Dh and I have had a terrible year. Our dcs have been unwell and that put a strain on our relationship. Dh has finally realised how bad things are and we have decided to move. The dilemma is whether just to quit this village but stay in the area, or relocate to another part of the country.

Our house should be our ideal home but it has always been an unhappy place for me. The village is on the surface, very nice, but there has been a lot of s**t thrown our way lately and I want to get as far away as possible. The area I want to move to is my most favourite place in the country. But we only have one family member there, whereas here we are a bit closer to our parents and friends. Dd1's school is outstandingly good, but the secondary school here isn't good whereas the one where we would move to is. And if we leave the village but stay locally, we won't be in catchment so dd2 and ds could end up at different schools which would be unfair. Dh needs to start a new business and here he has contacts, but won't if we move - plus there is a lot of casual work here is he needs it for a while but not where we would move to. The GP and hospital here are fab - I even have a good hv - but that might be different if we move.

My big concern if we go is that dh can't get work and also that we find the infrastructure isn't there. My big concern if we stay is that the problems we have (so much pain and bitterness) will still be around (dh going out on the drink with his 'mates' etc) and we will split up.

If anyone has made itto the end of this, can you give me some advice? TIA!

What will you live on while DH gets this new business up and running?

Redundancy money. If we relocate we might free up some capital from this house as we are mortgage-free and house prices are slightly cheaper.

I should add that where we would relcate to is just the most fantastic place to raise a family - here is good, but not as good.

Sorry but I have to say you're better off staying where you are for the time being, and trying to resolve the problems that you have. Then if you decide later to move do it with a secure relationship.

I don't want to sound judgemental but I can speak from bitter experience that you can't run away from relationship problems. Relocating to a different part of the country can be extremely stressful and could just put more pressure on your relationship.

I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do though

No, no, you don't sound judgemental at all. It had occurred to me that we could still find ourselves having the same problems somewhere else. But we have been very happy in the times we have spent where we might want to go to, and I am so unhappy here - I walk around this village full of hate for it, and I have to keep seeing people who have caused me (and us) a lot of grief - life is too short to live like this.

Thank you for your good wishes!

i think you should move house actually , but stay in the area! and get some relationship counselling

what is good, is that you are looking to a future together ! and making it work ..

if there are people around you taking DH away, then moving might well be good.

i am glad that you are looking at making things better x

1. move out of unhappy village but stay in area - casual work for dh. Put kids in same school (unless other school staffed by football hooligans or worse) The good of having them together in school may outweigh the demerits of being at a lesser school.

2. once business up and running move where you want to.

Can you rent out your village house and rent a house out of the village, ie hedge your bets? (MiaWallace raises a good point about your relationship here, about problems coming with you)

Very difficult decision for you - good luck.

Hi, lulumama! How are you doing?

Staying in the area worries me for exactly the reason you say - if dh is nearby his mates won't leave him alone. And the school is a big problem if we go out of catchment. I hate counselling and I don't see dh going for it either.

Feel both positive, b/c as you say things are finally getting sorted, and b/c I can't see any sensible solution.

i'm fine thanks, (((hug)))

there will be a solution.......and looking for one is the best start....

have you had any sort of counselling before? the person doing the counselling can make or break the experience, IME

WanderingTrolley, thank you. Dh needs to start his business where he will be living long-term - it can't be transferred. I'm hoping to start up one too but as that will be net-based I can be anywhere.

Dd1 will be heartbroken at leaving her school. I was hoping that moving somewhere deeply cool (from a dc's pov) would soften the blow.

Yes, lulumama, a couple of times. I hate crying in front of other people - that's why I love Mnet so much, b/c I can sob away w/out being seen! I've always felt worse after counselling - I just don't think it's for me.

Although by the sounds of it my bil did a pretty good job with dh yesterday, bless him! (told him a few home truths apparently!)

fair enough ! i love a good cry though !! private or public if neccesary !

there are lots of books you can buy, that you can read at your own pace..

I was wandering around the village sobbing my heart out earlier this week - awful!

If dh going 'on the drink with his mates' is a problem then it'll still be a problem whereever you live, is it possible that you need to tackle that rather than where you physically live? It sounds as if there are loads of Pros to where you live now and not many associated with moving, apart froma good secondary school - how soon is that a consideration? Could you fix that issue where you are now?

I think sometimes people move when it isn't the place that's the problem, it's lots of other things, things that'll still be there wherever you are because you can't run away from yourself.

I second www. Don't know your history but if drink is part of the problem you'll be taking it with you. And if his mates not leaving him alone is part of the drink problem he'll soon find others to step into their shoes.

You do sound miserable. Getting even more miserable in counselling sessions doesn't necessarily mean that you should stop. It does mean that you're holding a lot of misery in.

From your OP it sounds as though there are lots of pluses for you and the children in the place where you are now. No wonder it's hard to make a decision.

Any way of resolving things with the people throwing the shit?

No chance of the shit stopping. It started as rumours and now dh can't go in the pub b/c he feels physically threatened. It's no life living like this. I want to live somewhere we can go out as a family w/out there being bad memories or nasty-minded people around.

Dh's mates are a big part of the problem, but also the fact he has got over-involved in community life here - he's over-committed himself and that takes his time away from us. I think a lot of the shit has started b/c of envy really.

We managed 18 yrs w/out drink or mates being a problem. It's only been recently in respnse to the bereavements and illnesses we've had - I shut myself away, dh pretended nothing had happened and lost himself in his social life.

As far as I am concerned there are no pros here, but there are for the dcs. Until this week I thought I could bury my unhappiness for their sake, but I can't.

We didn't move miles and miles but when we did move one reason was to distance DH from his local and I have to say it has been a good thing. We have moved to a small village and DH cannot just pop into the local without all eyes being on him and he is shy so he hardly ever goes up the pub - result!

My DH is also self employed, however we have stayed in the area so DH still has contacts. Could your DH go and work for someone where you are thinking of moving before he goes it alone?

I think if I wasn't happy and the future for my marriage looked bleak, then I would do what I had to do to give it a fighting chance.

Good luck

Thank you! I think along similar lines to you, this is a recent problem and although dh may get a new set of drinking mates I doubt it - I think he is aware of how badly things have gone and that a clean break is good. If it wasn't for the advantages for the dcs then he would have us moving now.

I don't think he could work for anyone else where we are thinking of going.

I think you have made your mind up really(you can't be wandering around crying ). Have you got a plan of how you will make ends meet until DHs business is up and running?

My heart's made up, it's my head that is coming up with all these reasons not to go. We will have dh's redundancy plus maybe some capital from this house, although some of it will need to be invested my parents are going to invest too.

I think our current plan is to get this house valued so we know what we can afford, then take the dcs on holiday to where we might move to have a recce and see if we get a good vibe.