SCARY NIGHT TIME, SHOULD I HAVE CALLED THE POLICE?

[jessi]

Hi, I would really appreciate some help here. We have neighbours who are very noisy generally, but live with it as I imagine we are pretty noisy too sometimes. Our walls are paper thin and for the last 2 years we have been kept awake by one of the children next doors night terrors,fights and shouting. The wife has recently told me that her partner beats her up when he gets drunk sometimes. She asked if I had noticed her black eyes/bruises etc in the past and I feigned ignorance, as I didn't want to get involved. I did tell her though that if she ever wanted me to intervene she should shout Help, and that was to be my cue. Anyway, I have always been scared to complain about noise, but recently I have over noise and shouting late at night and once during the day. They took it very well and the wife said thanks to me as he dosen't listen to her, but will to me. Last night though, I was woken up to hear a fight going on in the room next door to my ds's. It sounded awfull and there was lots of shouting and then music being blasted on and off really loudly. I totally lost my rag, I just can't try and get back to sleep with this going on and I didn't want ds to hear it either. Even though I didn't hear her shouting for help, I called the police. Now comes the guilt, I feel absolutely dreadfull for calling them. I've spent the whole morning petified of one of them knocking on my door to ask if it was me (it could only be me and one other neighbour who would have heard this, the other neighbour has called the police in the past and I must admit to relying on her to complain so that I don't have to on occassions) I am really scared and dh thinks I acted ott, but at the same time he wasn't prepared to go and intervene either. My dilemna is now whether I should be honest and say it was me, or deny any involvement. My instinct tells me I should explain my reasons why, but this isn't the type of family you should get on the wrong side of IYKWIM. My real reasons for doing it were that I was scared for her, and for the children who hear this kind of thing alot. They obviously cannot do anything about it, but I felt I could. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? I'm scared to even go out in case I bump into them, and I know they will ask me. Thanks.

Jessi, how awful for you and all involved. I can well understand how worried you feel about bumping into this family, as well as being concerned for their welfare.

I think you should contact the police again and ask advice on this. Also, a family advice/ crisis/ neighbourhood helpline should offer knowledgeable support. If you phone your town hall and explain your problem, you should be given you some useful contacts.

Hope this helps.

Jessi I think you did the right thing. So many women are seriously injured and even killed by their partners and husbands, you might well have saved her from his temper this time.

It must be really difficult for you; everyone wants to 'live and let live', yet sometimes we have to act to protect others and ourselves.

I agree that it's worth getting advice from the police - every station has a dedicated Domestic Violence officer who could assist you. Have you considered/tried talking to this woman about what happens to her?

What ages are their children? How do you know that the partner does not beat them up too? It may seem a bit OTT but I know what it is like to grow up with an abusive background and oh, I used to pray for someone to interfere! Everyone just turned a blind eye - very English I think.
For this reason if I was in your situation I would speak to the NSPCC for advice.

I think we all have a duty to look out for eachother, especially women and children - and it's better to be wrong than sorry.

I think if I were you I would go and knock on their door and ask if they are all alright after last night. If they suspect it was you they will say so. Just explain that you do not want your ds to hear their shouting and swearing as it frightens and upsets him, and that you really shouldn't have to put up with this on a regular basis. You could always put the ball back in their court by saying that if you ever get noisy yourselves, they can always come and complain to you. Say you know how noisy families can get sometimes, but could they please try to keep it down at night. It is a reasonable enough request! If the woman answers the door you can ask her if she's alright and is there anything you can do.

You say that the other neighbour has called the police before, so she obviously isn't afraid of them? Have you spoken to this other neighbour? Getting allies would be a good idea.

This neighbour of yours has spoken to you about the problem and even asked if you have noticed her bruises. To me this sounds like a cry for help in itself. As they have children, phone your HV and tell her what is going on. She will arrange for that family's HV to pay them a visit and keep an eye on things, for the kids sake. If he can beat his wife up he can beat his kids up.

Don't feel guilty about calling the police, it is exactly what I would have done myself. They might think more seriously now and he might just control himself now he knows that he has vigilant neighbours. Your dh sounds like mine, so get support from your other neighbours and make sure you do all you can so that you can have a clear conscience. For if anything where to happen to the mother and her kids, you would never forgive yourself.

You did right.

I agree 101% with what Rhubarb has said. And like Mopsy, I have suffered domestic violence and I have prayed for someone to call the police (never happened).

Up till recently I had neighbours like this (without the domestic violence though) and I was constantly calling the police. They never had a go at me for doing so. The main problem was with a visitor to their house who would get in a row there and break all the windows in the hallways and stairs and front door of the flats on his way out. Council wouldn't attend to repair them until the police were informed so it became quite a habit! Good luck xx

Thanks for your replies. I haven't seen them yet. I was going to knock when I knew the kids were out, but chickend out. Hopeless! I agree that her mentioning it to me is a cry for help, which is why since she told me, I have knocked on their door a few times and she has been grateful for that. The police rang me last night and said its an environmental health problem, and that I should call them and the council to complain. However, I am not prepared to do this as the last thing I want is to cause this woman more stress and certainly not to lose her home. They have no money and he's a drinker, she just doesn't need that on top of it all. As far as looking out for the kids is concerned, I have observed and listened carefully and I really don't think the kids are being abused physically. The wife is a real shouter and screams at them alot, and whenever I hear it, I always make some noise so that she knows that I am nearby and can hear. This does seem to help. I agree Mopsy about looking out for each other, especially so mothers and children, and I do feel I am doing this in the only way I can without being too heavy-handed. I guess last night I just thought enough is enough and thats why I called the police. I should add that we are moving hopefully soon, but meanwhile I guess I'll have to continue to step in if the situation arises again.

Don't worry about calling the police, you were obviously worried for her safety. I wouldn't knock on the door though wait until you see her.

On another note try Muffles ear plugs from Boots, they're wonderful little things and you only need about a quarter of each plug for a great and quiet nights sleep. R

Thanks for your replies. I haven't seen them yet. I was going to knock when I knew the kids were out, but chickend out. Hopeless! I agree that her mentioning it to me is a cry for help, which is why since she told me, I have knocked on their door a few times and she has been grateful for that. The police rang me last night and said its an environmental health problem, and that I should call them and the council to complain. However, I am not prepared to do this as the last thing I want is to cause this woman more stress and certainly not to lose her home. They have no money and he's a drinker, she just doesn't need that on top of it all. As far as looking out for the kids is concerned, I have observed and listened carefully and I really don't think the kids are being abused physically. The wife is a real shouter and screams at them alot, and whenever I hear it, I always make some noise so that she knows that I am nearby and can hear. This does seem to help. I agree Mopsy about looking out for each other, especially so mothers and children, and I do feel I am doing this in the only way I can without being too heavy-handed. I guess last night I just thought enough is enough and thats why I called the police. I should add that we are moving hopefully soon, but meanwhile I guess I'll have to continue to step in if the situation arises again.

Oh Dear! I must try and get the hang of not repeating everything at least twice!

Jessi, I think you absolutely did the right thing in calling the police. It is sad how few people nowadays seem to care about the people around them. However, I would advise thinking twice about telling them/her that it was you. Unfortunately abused women often return time and again to their partners and if she sees you as the "enemy" (when she is feeling good about her partner) she might not come to you in a real emergency. Secondly, as violence seems to be a normal state of affairs in that household, I would be concerned about how they might react to the news that it was you that called the police.
When I lived in NYC I had a mentally ill neighbor, she was normally very quiet, but at some point I started hearing screaming coming from her flat and her shouting things like "stop you're hurting me." I contacted the building owner who I knew to be a friend of her parents and expressed my concern for her safety. He contacted the parents who called the girl and told her that I had been complaining about the noise. She then told her boyfriend (the one who had been hurting her) who, as it turned out, was also mentally ill and he started to stalk me (threatening my life and breaking windows). I had to get a restraining order and threaten to sue the parents before they eventually got him out of the building. I don't want to scare you as I don't regret having expressed my concern for my neighbor, but the next time I would contact the police directly to assure anonymity for me and hopefully are more effective attention to the problem.

I agree you were right to call the police, after all you can only assume what's going on inside, you'd never forgive yourself if it turned out to be worse and you'd dismissed it. It could also (highly unlikely I know but..) have been an intruder causing the distress to them so don't feel hesitant to call the police again if you feel the need. Sometimes violent people need the 'shock' of an authority (police or what ever) to make them stop.

However, I wouldn't be too quick to tell them it was you...wait until they ask (if they do), it may not arise and she may prefer not to mention it so directly...and it could have been anyone just walking past the house late at night who overheard. The possibilities are endless.

Stop feeling guilty...you've done the right thing!!

I agree. You were right to call the police and the police were wrong to call it an environmental health issue - there was an assault going on which is a crime. Women do get killed by their partners all the time and the police response is pitiful. Keep calling them - at least it signals to this awful man that he can't pretend that his violence is a little family secret. I always call the police if I think something bad is happening, I just think, suppose I was screaming and calling for help and nobody responded, how would I feel then?

I lived next door but one to a woman who was killed by her husband, a 'domestic' incident. I never heard a thing but the day before it happened they were going to a wedding and stopped to have a chat as they were all dressed up and I asked them who was getting married, etc. I never saw her again.
I think you were right to intervene and don't hesitate to do it again. It may just make the stupid man think about hitting her or raising his voice if he thinks the police may turn up. I think men usually feel guilty about this once sober and will probably try and avoid you at all cost rather than have a go, he knows he's in the wrong.

You were definately right in calling the police. The same as Mopsy and MandyD, I used to pray for someone to hear something, or see something, and call the police. Too many people turn a blind eye to things like this.
You should be congratulating yourself for it, it took alot of guts. It would have been easier not to phone the police than it was to phone them. And going by my father, if he was drunk he will feel too embarrassed about his behaviour to even look at you and as Janus says he will go out of his way to avoid you.

You were definately right in calling the police. The same as Mopsy and MandyD, I used to pray for someone to hear something, or see something, and call the police. Too many people turn a blind eye to things like this.
You should be congratulating yourself for it, it took alot of guts. It would have been easier not to phone the police than it was to phone them. And going by my father, if he was drunk he will feel too embarrassed about his behaviour to even look at you and as Janus says he will go out of his way to avoid you.

oops i keep doing that! Sorry!!!

Thank you for your messages. An update on the situation.. I spent a day in hiding, then she knocked on my door in the evening! Was really scared as to what I was going to say, she was just going to lend me a video when I blurted out 'It was me!' She had no idea what I was talking about, so I confessed all. She said that the police didn't come round and that it hadn't been bad that night.I guess her version of whats bad and mine are very different. Anyway, I had a long chat with her and we've worked out a way so that I'll know in future when to intervene which is a great relief for us both I think. She wasn't in the least bit cross that I'd called the police which re-assured me that I had done the right thing, even though they didn't bother to go round.