Hi fairyfly - I've been where you're hanging and I know what it's like to sit up all night with your head in your hands wondering how the hell you are going to get by.
When my ex dumped me and two dds, they were aged 4 and 1. I had worked for him, and lived in his house so I lost both home a job at the same time. I had also incurred thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt on my credit cards which I had withdrawn and lent to him to help him with business problems. I trusted him. But he never paid me back a penny and never paid any child support either.
I could have chased him through the courts but I was afraid of him, not only that but I had had the stuffing knocked out of me and didn't have any kind of heart for a legal battle on top of everything else. My mother died two weeks prior to this so I went to live with my dad.
I got two jobs and most days of the week this only left me 4 hours a night for sleeping. My dad babysat while I was working and in return for this and a roof over my head I paid for all the household food and did all the cleaning and cooking for him.
After six months I managed to rent a big house and sublet some of it (with permission). It was squalid but we had to get by somehow. Over the course of the next three years I paid off most of the debt and worked myself into a position where I could give up the rented place and buy a massive house, continuing with subletting to backpackers. I then began to make serious money. Two years after that I met dh. By this time I was severely depressed to the point that I could hardly function and was visiting a psychiatrist three times a week.
I was determined not to be a single mum on benefits. I never claimed any benefits (except child benefit) and I paid off all those debts and also made enough money to contribute a significant sum to the purchase of our family home where we now live.
The cost was huge: my mental health and the stress which transmitted down to my kids. We lived in highly stressful circumstances for years, with people trashing your house, playing loud music and bringing in guests without permission at all times of day and night, stealing from you and running away without paying rent. But the money in the end was good enough to lift me out of that debt. You do what you have to do. I have worked in a large bank cleaning the toilets all night while a friend slept in my bed to listen for my kids - did that for a few weeks to tide me over when times were tight.
I also couldn't have managed without family and friends who helped me by babysitting and my dad who lent me money to help start my business (been paid back with interest).
I'm not suggesting you do as I did. I had no good qualifications (only 'o' levels) so had no chance of any kind of employment paying the kind of money I needed to avoid court for debt. So I had to take the self-employment route.
For all I know you may have skills and qualifications that will take you down an easier route. But whatever you do, don't expect it to be easy with two children to look after.
On the plus side though, I firmly believe that if you are determined and hardworking, there is nothing in this world that will stop you.
Forget beating yourself up about yesterday. You needed this time to recover from the huge blow you had been dealt. When a parent opts out of the family it is more than just a partner the other person loses. They also lose their whole future - or at least the one they thought they had. They have to plan a new one for themself and that takes a while. It's as big a blow as the loss of the partner, I think.
Now take a deep breath and put down yesterday. Pick up tomorrow and see what it contains for you. Your kids will both be at school before you know it and the amount of extra free time then is phenomenal. Accept all offers of help without compunction - you will never need it more than now. Why not go to careers advice and see what they can suggest for you? If you have a skill, consider starting your own business. I suspect you do have skills, you sound very creative and artistic to me.
Your life is not over - you are so young! Look at me, I was 31 when my ex dumped me. And 39 when I married dh. 40 when ds was born. And now I am on another phase with a new job I have always fancied doing and writing the novel I have long wanted to write. You have simply taken a few months out to recover from a devastating blow. Now it's time for renewal and you are quite rightly having a thorough think through first. You are going to be a great success at whatever you decide is 'your thing'.
Don't forget I'm always here for you.