want to go and see my parents but only take one child (out of 3)

[geekgrrl]

I know this sounds very mean and all and I'm not sure whether to not just go by myself.

Just to explain - my parents live in Germany, I'm in the UK.
My mum has just been diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer and will be starting chemo next week.
I'm going over on my own this weekend but she'll still be in hospital recovering from her op. It's her birthday in March and I was thinking that it would be nice for me to go over again for that. She really, really adores my children but I just can't take the whole bunch of them, they're rather lively and I really can't inflict them on my mum when she's going through chemo.
I was thinking of just taking one child. Is this unfair? (ok, I know it is, but is it unreasonable?)
They're all really sweet & lovely on their own. Whom would I take? I guess the natural choice would be to take ds who's 3, as the dds (7 & 5) would have to be taken out of school. But then school is a pretty lame reason for not taking them in these circumstances....

I don't think you're being unfair or unreasonable. I would pick the child you think would make the visit most enjoyable both for your mother and yourself.
If it were me picking from my 7, 5 or 2 year old boys I would take the 5 year old as he has the most easy going personality and doesn't want constant amusing.

I agree with LizP. But would add the thought that the 3 year old will be the most hard work and will understand the least and remember the least about the visit. perhaps your 7 year old might appreciate the whole reason for the visit more, and get more out of it. Although I can see her sister might be cross about being left behind!

actually, ds (the 3 year old) is the easiest one really - dd1 (7) is somewhat highly strung and a bit of a primadonna and unable to entertain herself it appears, dd2 (5) has DS so is more like a younger child in many ways...

Hm. I just don't know. Ds is pretty good really but he is only 3....

(thanks for the replies btw )

These are tough choices but I think it's absolutely fine to just take one. In fact, I try to let my kids have experiences without their siblings as regularly as possible. They really appreciate it. It's also realistic as life throws random chances at different people at different times.

Personally I'd take the 7 year old. It's a sort of rite of passage and she's at a good age to learn about family ties, illness and responsibility.

That said you mention that she's hard work and you have to think of yourself at this difficult time (and your mum) so take whoever will be easiest perhaps.

Sorry to hear about your mum btw. Good luck.

I took my eldest to greece for a week when she was 7 as I had to go anyway for family reasons and I felt she had had rather a lot of the unfair elements of being the eldest and not many of the benefits IYSWIM. It was a really lovely time, spending time just with her, and it is something she really appreciated. She grew up a bit by doing it, and I treated her more as a 7 turning 8 year old in her own right rather than the eldest of three young children, if that makes sense.
I suppose that's what I mean about her getting more out of it than the others, but if obviously depends on the whole dynamics of leaving the other two.

Also won't your mum get a bit more out of a visit from a 7 yr old than a 3 yo? Just musing, really

I'm very sorry about your mum.

I think I'd probably take the eldest too.

When I was going down to see my mum ill with cancer I quite often took just one child - couldn't really manage it on my own with them both. But they were both too young to really care about where they were going!
I think I would take the one that will be easiest, on this occasion. Do make sure that she gets to see as much as possible of them all though - can you all go as a family before too long?

Very sorry to hear this, its a tough time and even worse to be so far away.

you might also find that the eldest surprises you when she isn't having to fight for your attention. This is a lovely chance to spend some time with her and could possibly be a beneficial impact of your mother's illness. 7 years is old enought to have some understanding of what's going on. I'd take her in your position if I could.

ok, thanks all for your input, you have convinced me to take dd1. She'll be rather pleased!

(I just hope she doesn't say anything inappropriate like 'mummy said you might die, grandma!')