Depression, midlife crisis or menopause? (long, sorry)

[midlifecrisis]

Didn't know what to put this under & changed name for obvious reasons.

Been clinically depressed much of my adult life. 3 years of ADs then counselling finished Jan 03 & I felt human for the first time. Things fine since then.

Suddenly today feel really really down. Trigger was the laundry, of all things. Realised that although we've had 3 houses none of them has had anywhere for me to store, sort, do & dry laundry, & that was all I wanted from the beginning. Everything has been a compromise, except that looking back I can see that the compromise is always mine... DH WON'T have an old house, WON'T live in the city, etc etc. When we moved last time (7 years ago) I wanted to leave this town. He said he'd been to estate agents elsewhere but there was nothing we could afford- end of discussion. I left my home town to live here & I've never liked it. I've been here longer now than I was there.

Thinking on those lines I realised that every major decision except having the children has been made by DH, under the pretence of joint decisions. It wouldn't matter except that he is a man who won't say boo to a goose, so if anything happens I have to sort it out. He keeps the peace with everyone & won't ever take my side in a dispute. He's always on the fence.

He changed his car a couple of months ago. Again this is usually a joint thing. This time I didn't agree his needed changing & didn't like what he picked but he went ahead & did it anyway, leaving us with higher monthly repayments, higher insurance & tax (& I do the money) & agreed to pay a £700 deposit because 'I'd said we could' (as a hypothetical example on the finance to a different garage!). I was furious but he'd already signed the paperwork. I hate this car!!

He's talking about having another baby & I realised that I'd be 60 when it was 18. I don't know if it's the shock of feeling there's so little time left that has set this off. I really don't want to go back to the way I was, or have to go back on the ADs but I just feel so completely wretched. yesterday I was fine!

He asked if I was OK just as he was going to work. I said no, but only got as far as the laundry eg before he had to go. He seems to think that if he takes over the laundry everything will be OK. It won't. The laundry is a symptom, not the cause. But what of? Anyone help?

midlifecrisis, I don't know what to say because I'm tired and my brain's not working, but thought I'd send you a hug anyway X

I don't think it is a midlife crisis as such - you aren't dying your hair blonde and picking up young fellas and telling your kids to call you by your first name, but it does sound like you have identified perhaps the start of another episode. You have caught it early so can get treatment before it lies you low hopefully. Obviously part of moving forward will be talking to your DH about how you feel about the decision-making in the relationship. He does sound controlling in a rather quiet fashion, but nevertheless ...

Annyyway, don't wait for the negative feelings to mount - get on top of it now by 'doing'. Best of Luck, Sim.

Hi mlc, I haven't got any good answers really but thought i'd bump this up a bit.
Since you say you have a history of depression then it's important that you get in touch with the doctor, but it sounds to me as if it's more about your relationship. I don't know if it's the same for you, but when I was dealing with depression it was all I could do to get through the day, I was like a robot getting the children fed and clean and in and out of school, but simply hadn't the energy to deal with anyhting else. Then when I began to climb out and feel human, I realised how wrong my relationship had gone - and I'd let it get that way. I'm not suggesting this is what's happened to you, just trying to relate. I'm 5 weeks off 40, and aware of the menopause approaching, and I definitely feel what you said:"the shock of feeling there's so little time left".
Is your husband aware of how sidelined you feel within your relationship? Have you considered counselling (as a couple I mean). How do you think he will react if you begin to assert yourself more?
Sorry for all the questions, I just feel a combination of all three things you mention in your title myself, and wish I could offer some constructive advice to you. Definitely get in touch with your doctor though.

I don't have any answers either but, like Spacemonkey, wanted to say sorry you're feeling this way. Would your dh consider counselling?

brain still not working but I agree with Bettybloo that it sounds more to do with issues in your relationship than resurfacing of the depression, however I guess problems with your DH could be a trigger for the depression if you do not address them. It's very difficult, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this

Counselling sounds a good idea. Certainly talking to DH would be good, and I'm a great believer in writing things down - first of all for yourself, then perhaps a considered letter to DH. It's much harder to be dismissive of a letter imo. Good luck X

Thanks guys. I was starting to feel I was going mad but I think you are right that it's a relationship problem. Came home early today so that we could talk & he bustled about making dinner so he didn't have to.. I broached the subject of counselling with him once before- many years ago. His answer then was 'we don't have a problem. YOU have a problem'. It's so frustrating.

Anyway thanks for confirming what I thought.