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Original poster

Thinking about baby number 2

24 replies

alexsmum · 21/05/2002 23:28

As a result, I think,of me just celebrating my 30th birthday,my dh has decided that he would quite like another little one.And I really don't know how I feel about this.
If I think about it completely logically, now would be a good time age gap wise.Ds would be just 3 when the baby was born,and lots of people we know are having babies at the moment so it would be good to have company.But I just don't feel broody at all.Ds still seems so much of a baby at the moment and I'm really enjoying him.I don't like the idea of him being pushed to one side at all.I was desperate to have my son..unbelievably broody,and I just always thought I would feel that way again.So what do you all think? Should I make an intellectual decision or should I go with my gut feelings?
I'd be interested to hear some other points of view.

OP posts:

cherry · 21/05/2002 23:48

alexsmum, I know exactly how you feel. My dh has recently presented me with the same "wonderful" idea... but I'm just not too sure.At first I said yes' it was a great idea, but then after doing some thinking I had to ask him to put the idea on the back burner for a while, and he totally respects that. I am 22 with a 4 y/o, he is 30. All I can suggest is that you don't tie yourself to a definate yes or no, explain how you feel and let him know that maybe in six months, a year, whatever, but not right now.

Tillysmummy · 22/05/2002 09:30

ooh, I feel terribly broody and my dd is only 8.5 months !!! But hubby wants to wait until she is 2 until we start trying

Azzie · 22/05/2002 09:45

Alexsmum, At the end of the day you will be the one who takes most of the burden of a new baby, and it has to be your decision. I know how you feel about not wanting your ds to be pushed aside - I felt the same when we were contemplating baby no. 2, although as I was 35 I felt I didn't have quite as much time in hand as you do. However, 2.5 years after having a 2nd baby, I can honestly say that ds has gained far far more from having a sibling than he has lost, and having dd when we did was the best thing we could have done.

bundle · 22/05/2002 11:33

Tillysmummy, I know what you mean, my dh wants us to move to a bigger place before even trying for no.2...I'm 37 and want to get cracking, plus I really enjoyed being pregnant and feel incredibly broody. Cherry -didn't realise you were so young!

cherry · 22/05/2002 11:43

Believe me I don't feel it!

cherry · 22/05/2002 11:43

Believe me I don't feel it!

Rhubarb · 22/05/2002 14:55

It has to be your decision, as Azzie says, it will be you who will be taking the core responsibility for it. It's all very well for men to say "how lovely it would be to have another" but they don't have to go through the pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, breastfeeding and so on. At least if your ds is 3 he will be entitled to a free nursery place so you will have a bit of time for you and your baby, and then you can make a fuss of ds when he gets home.

However if it doesn't feel right in your heart then wait awhile. Or you can always take a chance and if it happens it happens, that way you are not consciously trying for a baby. I think once you know what is going to happen, you are more reluctant to go through it again so soon!

Rara · 22/05/2002 15:13

I'm really torn on this one too. Dd is nearly 9m and an absolute joy after the pregnancy from hell. We're enjoying her so much at the moment, I really don't want anything to take from what we have with her just yet. And also, if truth be known, she's been such an easy baby and our lives seem to have been disrupted so little, it seems madness to want to inflict chaos onto ourselves. I'm convinced we'd have a more "difficult" baby next time and not enjoy it so much. I know I'll probably get it in the neck for saying this and I sound like a lazy old mare! If we do take the plunge I'd like to wait until dd is about 4, but am I clocking on a bit (34 next week)? Dh says he'll go along with whatever I want but I know he'd love another...

Tillysmummy · 22/05/2002 15:18

Rara, it sounds like my dd and your dd are the samer person ! My dd is very good and I have exactly the same worries that my next baby will be a terror !! Also don't want for her to miss out so have her enrolled for a nursery at 3 for 5 mornings a week and that way I'm hoping that she will be occupied then and won't feel left out as I will have mornings to myself with new baby and then can focus on her in the afternoon. All easier said than done and of course I've got to be lucky enough to get pregnant.

Joe1 · 22/05/2002 17:10

I really wanted another baby for a brother or sister for ds and have never wanted one child. He has always been a really good baby and I had all the fears that everyone has voiced here. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought what have I done, which I felt really guilty about because I wanted another and dh was over the moon. I went through the first few months of sickness, exhaustion and the worry of how I was going to cope. I am now 21 weeks prenant, with baby moving around and all those fears have disappeared. Ds says hello to the baby in mummys tummy and listens to its reply. I will cope, dont know how but I will. I know ds will love having a brother or sister to play with. I am 35 this year and had I waited any longer I dont think I would have had another baby. I would have got myself into allsorts of things, taking up my spare time and wouldnt have wanted to give them up, now they are just on hold for another year or so. Also with my age I wouldnt have wanted to start again in my late 30's. I am pleased we are pregnant and cant wait to met this little person and all that goes with it.

Good luck with what ever you decide, I always believe what will be will be.

Art · 22/05/2002 19:38

Before long we will be thinking about no. 2 as we always said we would like more than one. I'm like Alexsmum in that I dont want ds to be pushed aside in any way. I also can't imagine loving another baby as much as I love him. I suppose you do tho' when they come along?

Joe1 · 22/05/2002 19:44

Art I too felt like that, but I feel I will have extra love for the new baby not shared.

There was another thread about No2, cant remember the title, but there is some very reassuring messages from mums with more than one that were really good to read for me.

jenny2998 · 22/05/2002 23:50

I would have to say go with your heart.

I feel the same as Cherry. I am 21 with ds 3 1/2 and dd 13months. I am desperate for no3. To complicate matters further I am single.

I'm desperately broody (its been a permanant fixture since I was about 15)and have always wanted a big family (at least 4). On the other hand I think I must be completely crazy. My dd has been v difficult, it's only become easier in the last few weeks since she's been walking. Would I be crazy to upset the status quo?

leander · 23/05/2002 00:03

Like tillysmummy and rara my Ds is an absolute delight,he's 4 1/2 mths and hes such a happy boy and sleeps right through the night and has done since 6 wks.I recently thought i was pregnant again and Dh was made up but i was mortified,luckily for me it was a false alarm. what im trying to say is go with your instinct you'll know when the time is right.

Azzie · 23/05/2002 09:10

Art, honestly honestly you do love the new one just as much. I went through a really bad patch when I was pg with dd, because I was afraid that I wouldn't love the new baby as much as ds - which of course turned out to be complete nonsense, I fell for her straight away (as did dh). The only thing I did find was that I felt it took me some time to really get to know her as a person, probably because ds was 2 when she arrived and in contrast I knew him as a person really well.

Tillysmummy - friends of mine have been down the angelic first baby, more challenging second baby route recently. They were really glad it happened that way round because they were already experienced with babies before having to deal with dd no.2. So remember that, even if your 2nd baby is a challenge, you'll have much more confidence to deal with him/her than you think - plus the fact you'll know from experience that everything is a phase and passes eventually!

pupuce · 23/05/2002 09:31

I think timing is very personal.... we always wanted 2 and I wanted them witha +/- 2 year gap.They are 20 months apart.
DS was the easiest baby around - I certainly bragged that he was (never cried, smiled a lot, slept big long naps, slept through the night very early on,....) so throughout my second pregnancy I was convinced I would have a difficult baby.... well NO ! She is easier even (is that possible) ????
I love her just as much... it isn't shared love as others have said it is an additional love.
Also I find it impossible to "ignore" DS even if I tried.... TRUST ME
If anything I found that I was ignoring DD a bit too much when she was tiny as she was sooo easy.

Azzie · 23/05/2002 10:11

Pupuce, know what you mean about feeling you were ignoring the baby sometimes. I often felt that dd got put down in her rocker chair and left to get on with it while I dealt with ds. However, she seemed quite happy about it all, and I consoled myself with the thought that she was getting a fair bit of attention from ds, which being the first he never had as a baby. At least with ds around there was always something interesting going on for her to look at, rather than just shattered Mummy slumped on the sofa

Original poster

alexsmum · 23/05/2002 10:38

Thank you all for your reassuring messages.I really think I'm going to wait until I feel broody.Dh is concerned because it took us two years to concieve ds and he's worried the same will happen again and ds will five and dh will be 36. But if we started trying on that basis I bet I would get pg straight away!!!
HOWEVER, we have made an appointment to go and talk to our GP about some problems I had in my last pregnancy and the likelihood of it happening again.If I'm honest, that's partly whats putting me off.Maybe if she says something reassuring i will feel differently.
Also I'm having a new nephew or niece in July.Maybe that will wake my hormones up and get me wanting one of my own!!!
I also, like Joe1 said,worry about loving another one as much.Ds is just amazing.Surely I won't feel this way again?

OP posts:

pupuce · 23/05/2002 12:06

Oh yes you will..... I ADORE my 2nd baby ! I could not choose between the 2. She is just as amazing ! You'll see

sobernow · 23/05/2002 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joe1 · 23/05/2002 12:19

Sobernow, that is one of the things I look forward to, them playing and laughing together. Ds is a real giggle head and is already developing a wicked sense of humour so cant wait to see how he entertains his little brother or sister.

Azzie · 23/05/2002 12:28

I love watching my two playing together, especially when they don't know I'm watching. They're so funny! And I love the way that, to ds, dd has always been a real person, not just a baby, right from the day she was born - he always made sure she was included, and talked to her like she understood every word. And I love the way that, even now that she's 2.5 and fighting fiercely for her independence, she still wants to be just like her big brother and do everything that he does. They're two amazing little people, and dh and I are stunned on a daily basis that we made them both.

anoushka · 23/05/2002 19:52

hi i have a real difficult question i will give a quick background i am 35 hubbie hit the big 40 and we have a seven year old and he has autism and hubbie wants a baby i kind of put him off about a year ago saying i have loads of time but i think i dont want to be too old or how old is too old ? well i dont want any more i like only the three of us and we only have a small terrace house we would have to move i live in london and we cant afford a house any bigger a three bed is selling for over 220,000 it way out of our reach and the other big reason is i dont think i could cope if we had another austic child can any body give advice

Eulalia · 23/05/2002 20:19

I've just had my 2nd baby and went through the feelings of "will I love this baby as much?" However as the pregnancy progressed I really enjoyed the feelings of having a little one inside me. I still couldn't imagine having two though. I did notice that my son was becoming more independent as he was getting older. That is something you have to remember that they don't stay babies for ever. So for me, certainly it is nice to have a baby around again. There is a 2yr 9 month age gap between mine and I think around the 3 years is quite a good gap. As others have said you can spend time with the baby when the older one is at playgroup.

I bonded immediately with my daughter as soon as she was born and I love them both equally. You don't have to 'share' - it is not a case of division, you just expand.

Good luck Alexsmum whatever you decide.

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