What to do about our dying grandma?

[choochootrain]

My DH's very old granny was a fantastic woman, really feisty and up for it in her day. Then after a few illnesses, falls etc. she had to go into a home. The last time we visited her was about three years ago and she was confused and sinking into dementia (but actually pretty happy with it). She's on the other side of the country, then we had ds, and life's been busy and the upshot is that we haven't visited since.
My DH used to be close to her and I know he feels guilty that we haven't been to see her again. But according to DH's mum (gran's daughter) there wouldn't be much point as she's now totally unable to register that visitors are there or remember who anyone is. She is very very frail and unlikely to live much longer.
So what I'm struggling with is whether we should visit her. My heart tells me we should because it's the right thing to do. But is that right, given that she won't know who were are (and that might upset her)? If she doesn't even know we're there should we put ourselves, especially DH, through something terribly upsetting? He wants to remember her as she was. There's also the practical stuff like travelling a long way with DS, and what to do with him while we visit. Anyone been in this situation?

Could DH not go on his own?

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Absolutely agree with lisalisa. Don't see point of you all going but your DH should. Think of how nice it would be for her to have her hand held for a while.

Absolutely agree with lisalisa. Don't see point of you all going but your DH should. Think of how nice it would be for her to have her hand held for a while.

DH should definately go if you all cant. I think it is the right think to do, and even if she doesnt recognise him he can take comfort from the fact he was there.

I like to think that my future grandchildren would spare a few hours out of their lives to visit me before I died.

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think its best for your dh to go on his own - for his own conscience.

if they were very close he can be confident that he did the right thing - rather than wish he had seen her before she died and how she was all alone and how she might have missed him etc etc

I fell out with my family and so didn't see my grandad for the last 18 months of his life.

I have incredible guilt aboutnot being able to say goodbye but (my now back to normal) family have said that it is a good thing and that i am lucky that i never saw him so ill and frail ( he died of cancer, he had a Kidney removed and it spread through his while body) and can remember him as the spritely life and soul of the party he always was.

I think even though my mind tells me they are right my heart wishes i could have said goodbye.

He should go IMO.

My dh was not told that his Granny was near death - they 'protected' him as the youngest in the family (he did not even know she was ill as it was fairly sudden). He was gutted when he heard about two days after she died that ALL the grandchildren but him had been to see her before she died, and it took him a long time to come to terms with her, to him, unexpected, death.

We did go and see his father (in late stages of dementia so did not recognise anyone) to say goodbye even tho it was harrowing to see him so ill. It does help later tho, in the grieving process, to recall how ill they were and that it is immeasurably better now they are at peace.

Condolences to your dh and family

I definitely think that your DH should go. Whether you would want to go to support him, or whether that would be too impractical, is really for you to decide.

DH should go. He'd never stop feeling guilty and sad. Anyway she deserves a visit.

weent to ireland in october to see family but really to see dh nana
when we got there we had a fab week visiting everybody but dh aunt said that nana was to poorly to visit (she had a tummy bug) and as we didnt know where the home was we didnt visit, but planned to visit at easter
anyway dh is in ireland at the mo as nana died on monday, he was upset and said we shouldnt have listened to aunt we should have just visited

I think your DH should go and visit for his own peace of mind. Even if she has no idea who he is - I'm sure she'd love a visit from a young man who bought her some flowers.

Been thinking about this all morning. My gran had dementia, i decided i didn't want to see her because i wanted to remember her as she had been. But being older and wiser now, i regret not seeing her. I don't think the good memories would've been wiped out. And no-one knows how much people can register, even when they are confused. IMO your DH should visit, for his own peace of mind and for his gran.

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I hope no one thought I was being callous - I do feel it's the right thing to do, I just don't want to cause her distress. Was also thinking of it in terms of whether, if I was an old lady, I'd want my grandson seeing me in a sorry state.

And I'm sure you're right, Foxtrot, that it won't wipe out the memories of happier times, or at least I hope not.

I will talk to him about going to visit her. He's not as strong as me with difficult situations I think (I've had more crap experiences I guess), so I think he'll struggle without me there, but I think it'll just have to be that way.