I need some help for my mum

[mosschops30]

Some of you may know my father has Parkinsons, and has been deteriorating for months.
I managed to find a day assessment unit who can help and he is awaiting a psychiatric referral.

Last night my mum txt me and wanted me to go up (they are moving tomorrow), she got home from work and he was so muddled, he had a cooked a chicken but didnt know where he's put it, the butter was under a lamp in the living room and he was bumping into things.

I have told her to take him to A&E with 'increased confusion' as he should then be admitted for review which would at least give her a break.

She now wants me to go up and help her 'put things away' in the new house (they are 3 hours from me)

Oh i just dont know what to do/suggest etc, any advice I would be grateful

should I phone his GP or is that being too interfering?

Definitely phone GP - it is so hard when you are such a long way away. Does he have a social worker or anything - is there anyone who can give your Mum some moral support who lives nearer. Don't know what your circumstances are as to whether you can drop everything and go up to help your Mum but I wouldn't worry about interfering - it sounds as if she wants you to help. Hope things sort themselves out a bit.

they have lots of friends but she has just said she doesnt want any of them there, she just wants me. I am off this weekend but me and dh had planned a night away so am reluctant to miss out on that, I know it sounds selfish but we rarely get a sitter or go anywhere. If it was life or death I would be there in a shot but she just wants me to unpack which I am a bit miffed about.

What do I say to the GP, they only saw him on Monday?

please guys could really do with some help on this one

Sorry I have no experience of this so dont know what is available in terms of help and support, but just wanted to say how awful it must be for you. Has the move and all the packing made him worse do you think?

Hope someone comes along soon who knows more about this.

If it was me I think I would go and help. I wouldnt want to think of my mum struggling on her own, but I dont know your own commitments at home.

is there any local carer groups you can get in touch with on behalf of your mum
and dad

I can understand that you too need a break
and if i was in your shoes, i would probably go and have a break
but think the guilt would get to me

can you come to a compromise and say manage a couple of hours helping out
good luck in wahtever you decide
xxx

I do think the move has made things worse. My mum knew this and still went ahead with wanting to move so I kind of think she's dug her own grave there. Theres no-way if it was dh with a neurological problem I would say 'well we're moving house, which I know will make your confusion worse and be very stressful but there we are'.

Even though I love her to bits I do think she's a tad selfish and manipulative at times.

yes the guilt will get to me.

She did say can I just go up for the day saturday but that means driving for 3 hours, unpacking all day, then 3 hours back. Its a bloody long day. Have also realised I have a presentation to do for Tuesday so that rules out going Sunday or Monday because I have no computer access up there

oh god I cant win either way, dh says I shouldnt go and she needs to sort this out, I will upset one of them whatever I do

Mmmm it makes it harder to make the effort to go all the way there if you feel it could have been avioded by your mum.

I think the idea of going to A&E and getting her some time to move while he is looked after is a good one. Will she not do that?

Could she, or would you, pay for someone to come and help her move? She can then look after him and someone else can put stuff away.

It sounds like you have done a lot anyway by finding him a day unit, I hope your mum doesnt rely on you too much.

thanks Kezza, they have packers and movers so not actually doing anything, I think she just wants me there to put things where she wants them

Oh in that case I dont think you need to go. Its hard when you have your own family and work to deal with, and i didnt realise she actually had professional movers in.

I think I would try to arrange to go and visit in the near future at a time that you can arrange around your work etc.

Hope your dad settles in to his new house, thank god i have not had anything like this to deal with in my own life, it must be so upsetting.

Mosschops .. are you sure she really wants you to help unpack? Do you think it might be an excuse which validates her asking for you to come up as she doesn't quite know how to deal with what's going on .. emotionally?

I know this must be incredibly difficult for you as his daughter .. but it must be far more difficult for her ... she is still inside the young woman who married the vibrant young man and probably doesn't recognise what's going on as true

You know how when you get pregnant it feels surreal .. I wonder if she's having that surreal feeling now

Maybe she needs her daughter to ground her .. to share family experiences .. to cry with?

maybe?

don't go.

it's a long slog ahead, with your dad being ill. you don't want to burn out too soon - you'll be not much good to anyone if you start unravelling - and there may well be another crisis round the corner.

can you tell your mum you'll come next w/e? she could just unpack enough for her to live a week.

illness is very stressful - and if your mum gives you a hard time about not dropping everything she may just be venting at you - she obviously can'tr vent her frustrations on your dad. even if you go, there'll be tensions - you can't actually make anything better,

it's a hard call, but don't feel guilty about wanting to protect yourself and your immediate family a little bit.

I think you should contact your mums new social services department and ask them to give her an assesment visit. explain that you do not feel your mum is able to handle your father when he is as confused as he is now.

theyw ill be able to, at the very least, offer your mum an ear and hopefully can give her some advice about local support groups, care centre's, even day car for your father so that she will geta break

thank you so much for your lovely replies

twiglett - hes my stepfather and theyre not actually married, hes 15 years older than her and I think she always feels like she shouldnt have left my father and shes being paid back.

I could go next weekend actually as have nothing imminent once this presentation out the way (I am a nursing student but also working extra shifts for extra money so i never have any peace)

They wont get any help from SS as have plenty of money. I have found out about local support groups but he wont take any help. He is in denial a lot and thinks there is nothing wrong. Even when he 'lost' the cooked chicken last night he said to my mum 'well you lose things sometimes'

well have phoned her and said if she could just unpack what she needed I would go up friday.

she said 'oh theres no point I'll have it done by monday, I like everything done straight away'

Mosschops30 i just wanted to add that Social Services are not just able to offer financial help. Even if they have plenty of money there's lots of practical help & support they will be able to give your mum.

Just stressing what cornishpasty said. Social Services were fantastic with my mum. Sorting out Home Care, etc. They need a Social Worker to help them. Financial situ irrelevent.

Hmmm have been in v similar situation re mum needing my very limited free time.

From my experience, if you go this weekend you will be pissed off and resentful, and when you get there, this will be quite obvious from your manner.

Agree with Twiglet, that it sounds like a cover for something else.

I would arrange to go next weekend, which is a good compromise.

I appreciate this may sound selfish, but I have been in similar situation, and you feel that your life is being taken over.

Does your mum's dp have children who could help out?