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Original poster

Advice re baby name

13 replies

anonamum · 15/01/2007 13:35

My sister in law had a baby today and I am really happy for her. She has called her baby a name which brings back alot of painful memories to me, I will call him John just as an example as I don't won't to post his real name.

When I was first pregnant I was working as a nanny for a woman who had just had a baby and I was always suggesting the name John to her. She didn't call her baby John and when I got pregnant that's what she alwys refered to my baby as. I misscairred at 5 months, I had a boy but didn't give him that John. Whenever I hear the name John I think of my first baby and I know I will find it really difficult when I see him.

I told my brother in law the story about the John name last week when he asked me about the name we chose for our first baby and he siad that they were planning to use the name John if they had a boy. I feel really hurt especially because he knows.

My miscarriage was 7 years ago and it still hurts. I know that I can't stand in thier way as it's a name they have chosen for there baby and I probably am being unreasonable in feeling so upset with them. I really don't know what to do or say to them when I see them as I know I will be really upset. Any advice?

OP posts:

LieselVentouse · 15/01/2007 13:40

Do you have DC's now? Theres not an awful lot you can do about it and it might eventually turn that dreaded name into something beautiful. I had a friend who died a long time ago and a friend named their baby the same name and I thought Imalways going to think of him when I hear that name, and I do think of him but not in a bad way.

3andnomore · 15/01/2007 13:41

I can see where you are coming from, but there isn't anything you can do. Very insensitive of them...is your SIL aware of this...she might understand your feelings a bit better....could maybe your dh talk to them?
Sorry not sure what to suggest.

hotandbothered · 15/01/2007 13:42

Be honest. Tell them you have very strong feelings about the name because of your miscarriage, and they will have to understand that it's a name which has special significance in your life. Maybe in time, however, this baby may come to mean a lot to you too and be honoured to carry such a special name, if that makes any sense?
I think the fact that your brother continued to use the name suggests that it means something to them too. Maybe another family member, or how they came to think of him when he was only a bump?
HTH in a small way.

Original poster

anonamum · 15/01/2007 13:45

My brother in law is a really nice guy and really surprisd me that he said thats what they were going to call ther baby despite knowing the story. I haven't told my sister in law but I know it would cause friction as she wouldn't change it. I'm really not the sort of person who names children after other people, maybe if I was I would find it easier to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

anonamum · 15/01/2007 13:48

I just want to add that I don't expect them to change the name I personally find it really difficult to deal with it epscially because all of my in laws said that my misscarriage was for the best and almost seemd happy to have got rid of the shame as DP and I had not been together long when I got pregnant. I do still have alot of issues.

OP posts:

Blu · 15/01/2007 14:00

It sounds as if a lot of your upset could be to do with the fact that your family did NOT respect your pg, or your mc, or the very sad loss of your little boy.

Because you haven't been able to talk to her, several things might be at the bottom of them choosing the name:
Your BIL didn't in fact tell your SIL...and however nice he is, he might not realise the impact of the name for you...not yet a dad, no experience of anyone suffereing a mc etc etc.
They might have thought it was a lovely thing to do, to have someone in the family actually acknowledge your little boy
They might have heard other family members give the (horrible) 'it was for the best' line, and have no idea how painful it all was / is for you.

Could you simply tell your SIL that it was the name you chose for your baby, but without any sense that you expect her to change it? So that she can understand, at least, a little of what you went through? There is a difference between being upset because of the memories the name brings back for you, and in being upset with your ILs. You lost your darling baby, your family (and it sounds as if it was other family members, not these ILs - or have I got that wrong?) were unkind and insensitive. But the ones who were so unkind to you then are the ones to be upset with - not your ILs now!

It sounds as if you are not used to being listened to in your family.

Blu · 15/01/2007 14:02

Oh, sorry - were this SIL and BIL involved in the attitude of the family 7 years ago?

Original poster

anonamum · 15/01/2007 14:11

BIL wasn't around at the time, he only discovered quite recently what happened. SIL was at uni so came down for the funeral but wasn't really involved. They already have one child together. The name was the name we gave to the baby but has even more of an assciation as it was used for a while but my employer.

It was my parents in law who were really insenstive. After it happened they came to the hospital, saw the baby and my mother in law said 'oh well it's for the best, you and dp can get to know eack other as a couple now'. Comments like that made the pain of loss greater and are probably why I am so sensitve about any issues reminding me of him now.

I do think it's just a name which thousands have but having someone so close in the family makes it hard for me. I really am just over sensitve.

OP posts:

hotandbothered · 15/01/2007 14:20

I don't think you can be oversensitive about a mc. But people can certainly be undersensitive.

It sounds like this is always going to be painful for you. Will you see a lot of this baby?

Twiglett · 15/01/2007 14:25

agree with blu

In many traditions it is an honour to name someone after those who have gone before

WestCountryLass · 15/01/2007 23:08

I lost my DS at 23 weeks and we named him "H", at first if I heard the name it really smarted a lot but now I quite like hearing it as it reminds me of my lost boy

His name is fairly popular now and so I do hear it a fair bit. I think you do have to find a way to deal with this i'm sorry to say (((hugs)))

paulaplumpbottom · 15/01/2007 23:33

Maybe your BIL thinks he is doing something special for you. I would speak to them.

Bucketsofdynomite · 16/01/2007 08:15

I don't think it's worth mentioning it to your SIL, just go along with the best intentions to love your nephew whatever and if you break down/freak out, I'm sure her DH will explain to her if he hasn't already. I think you've got to start as you mean to go on but they will understand if your pain shows.
Have you had any counselling or at least talked on baby loss boards about the mc? I think that's all you can do really.

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