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Original poster

Coming to terms with the decision not to have any more children

23 replies

emkana · 14/01/2007 20:17

Now I know this has been done many times before but I'm just going through it atm so I hope one or two of you can be bothered to reply!

There are many good reasons not to have any more children, and they all convince my head, but in my heart I feel sad. Esp. as I always thought that I would have a girl called Matilda one day, and now it will probably never happen.

I envy people who just feel that their family is complete and who don't have that longing for more babies/children.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 14/01/2007 20:19

I know what you mean emkana. I am the least broody person I know, really don't have a longing for any more AT ALL but still have that little voice in my head that says 'oh you always thought you'd have 4' and so on.

If you still have that longing for more, are you sure you don't want another one?

Skyler · 14/01/2007 20:21

OH gosh ME TOOOOO!!!!!!
I am going through this at the moment. I am so happy with the dd's and feel finances mean we won't have any more and things are lovely but...... I can't help feel sad I will never have that newborn baby snuggling in again. If we won the lottery I would hope to have another two but realistically we are done for now and it makes me feel very sad sometimes. DH doesn't get it at all. Thanks for sharing. I feel slightly less mad now.

Original poster

emkana · 14/01/2007 20:21

There are so many reasons why it would be better to stick with three - financial reasons, ease of travel home to Germany/on holiday, but also on a grander scale dh feels he couldn't cope with the worrying etc. again that we went through with ds, and I know what he means.

OP posts:

KentuckyFreudChicken · 14/01/2007 20:23

emkana - I feel exactly the same. Have 3 now and we should be done. So many reasons why we should not have anymore but can't accept there will be no more babies .

Hulababy · 14/01/2007 20:23

Me too.

foxinsocks · 14/01/2007 20:25

yes I can see that emkana . I know my dd and ds's medical woes were NOTHING compared to what you've been through but it is precisely because they were (medically) such awful babies and I had SUCH a terrible time with it when they were young that I cannot face the thought of any more.

It takes years off your life having poorly little ones.

80sMum · 14/01/2007 20:27

Ah Emkana, I feel for you. I think that the longing never goes away completely, though your family does 'move on' as the children get older. I still get the odd 'longing' pang, even though my youngest is now 23 and I'm fast approaching menopause. I know I couldn't cope with another baby now, even if I were capable of conceiving one, but those hormones just keep flowing! Enjoy your family, while they're still young. The years fly by so quickly.

PrettyCandles · 14/01/2007 20:28

Same boat. I cuddle ds2, rejoice in having him, and at the same time mourn that I will never do this again. God, I'm so broody - and I mean it seriously, not jokingly. I would love to have more children, but feel I must stand by our decision to stop now.

I asked dh if he ever gets this sad feeling pushing through the joy, expecting him to think I'm crazy, or to get defensive and start going on about how I agreed to stop now, but, to my surprise, he just quietly and sadly said "Yes, sometimes."

Bucketsofdynomite · 14/01/2007 20:28

I just miss the attention that comes with a BFP, being pg and the big creative output that is naming a baby.

popsycal · 14/01/2007 20:30

Same here Emkana!
Although we have not reached afinal decision, dh is pretty certain that he only wants 2 and for health reasons for me, two is a goo number to stop at.
Luckily at the moment, I don't feel at all broody (most unusual for me!) but I know that at some point soon that I will and I truely will hate it

myermay · 14/01/2007 20:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster

emkana · 14/01/2007 20:31

I have two dd's and a ds, and it is fab!

OP posts:

mygirllolipop · 14/01/2007 20:32

Message withdrawn

Glassofwine · 14/01/2007 20:36

Emkana - your youngest is still a baby and when my ds was still a baby I had similar feelings even though I'd had three babies in three years. I knew in my heart that I didn't want any more, but couldn't stop feeling broody so I told myself that I would probably always have broody moments, but that actually it wasn't right for me to act on them. Now that ds is 4 I don't ever have broody times, I think that I've moved out of the baby phase for the first time in what feels like years and years and am begining to see how much easier life is. Perhaps its those dreaded hormones still racing around.

paulaplumpbottom · 14/01/2007 20:39

Why make such a final decision. Why not just accept that one day you might want more.

Skyler · 14/01/2007 20:40

Myermay, that is exactly it. There is so much I want to show the girls (I have 2 dd's) and do with them and I don't feel I have the time for them at the moment sometimes. But I can't believe I won't have another baby sometimes . I am very lucky to have had relatively easy conceptions/ pregnancies and deliveries and touch wood no health problems with the dd's so part of me thinks I would be pushing my luck for another..... and then 3 is an odd number and so then I would want a 4th and then we would be in trouble.
I worry that if I had another I would still have this feeling to so.....
DH doesn't say no more either. He just says not at the moment so I don't feel able to move on from the issue 100% yet. Part of me thinks this might help. I know that I have decided that 2 is good but if dh wanted another I could be persuaded....
But if I have another I should have it now before I get out of the nappy stage and so almost because we can't decide we have...
It is hard isn't it.

Skyler · 14/01/2007 20:43

Blimey what a ramble . Could you make any sense of that?? I can't.

Sparkler1 · 14/01/2007 20:46

I can relate to the this thread completely. DH and I always said that we would have two children and we now have two happy and healthy dd's (although the births were a little tricky) they are fighting fit now.
For about the last year or so I have had really mixed emotions about wanting another baby but dh has been against the idea. It's been a huge rollercoaster of emotions for me, including tears.
I have no idea why I should feel the need for another child. It's been a hard time for me bringing up the other two as I have suffered quite badly with PND/Depression so why I should want to take the chance of that again I'll never know. Crazy what us mum's will go through eh?
I know dh is right in his decision and we shall be following that route of having no more. DH has an appointment with GP tomorrow for vasectomy counselling. A big step but I know in the long run it is the right one.

franke · 14/01/2007 20:50

Emkana, I'm going through this too. I'm 40 this year, I've got 2, 20 months apart and always found it really tough going. I would love another, and so would dh, but I know it would just be unrealistic for so many reasons.

If I became pregnant by accident, mind you.... But I've never done that so it's unlikely now I see it as a positive sadness though (daft I know) because for me it stems from loving being a mum - it's the best thing ever .

pollypots2 · 14/01/2007 20:54

Hi Emkana
I have three dd's and I totally relate to how you are feeling. Youngest is nearly 3 and I love this stage when they're discovering everything and covering you with slobby kisses and telling you that they love you and thanking you for their wuvly bowl of rice krispies but I sooooo love babies too. I can't believe she'll go to school in a year and a half with the other 2 and I have been the most broody I've ever been especially having lost both my parents in the past year. I would so love to have a 4th BUT.... I know that life is just starting to move to the new stage for me of doing a bit more for myself, getting to the gym a bit, buying few decent clothes,hormones somewhat stable with Merena coil in place ,nights out with dh and even starting to travel places without the car filled to capacity with stuff! Also do about 8 hrs a week for dh's company and fairly important stuff so think dh would kill me
Having said all that, we're emotional beings and who knows eh!

nutcracker · 14/01/2007 20:57

I have refused to accept that my family is complete, just won't do it.

I am single at the mo, on my own with 3 kids, but would really really love another baby.
I have also had 3 sections and have an anti body problem, so I really have the odds stacked against it ever happening, but I am happier in denial.

Marshmellow · 14/01/2007 20:57

I am exactly the same, have 2 but keep thinking about 3. Can't believe that that is it! Would love another, have space for another but feel bad about stretching finances to a 3rd and what that will mean for the 2 i already have. We have tried on and off for a while and if it had happened we would've been thrilled but because it hasn't/didn't that has given us time to almost scare ourselves out of continuing. The whole "what if there was something wrong", "are we pushing our luck" etc. Just wish someone would tell me what to do, feel i'm going to spend the rest of my fertile years saying "shall we, shan't we" and then before i know it it'll be too late.

ipanemagirl · 14/01/2007 20:57

I have one ds and feel so sad about not having another baby. But it took forever to get pg with ds, I had a mc two years ago this month, and though we try and try I just don't get pg. And dh has had his contribution tested and he's fine. gp says it's almost certainly the age of my eggs. I'm 41 and just wish I'd tried harder sooner for another. I feel that I've deprived my ds of a sibling and my dh of a proper family. I know that sounds bad but I do feel not quite whole with the three of us. My sil getting pg with her 2nd hasn't helped. I adore dh and ds and feel really lucky in loads of ways I just sad that it must be too late for me and it's only just dawning how sad that is. I was v depressed after I had ds for awhile, I think that's why I didn't get on the case more quickly.
I also have this awful feeling that f and fam feel sorry for me and I hate that too!

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