Does my friend not want us to be friends?????

[Tessiebear]

I have a friend who i have known since college and we have always been close despite living about an hour away from each other i.e cant just pop round the corner. I had my boys (6 &3) before she even thought about settling down but she has always made an effort with birthdays and christmas and always enjoyed visiting us whenever we invite her down. We have only ever been invited to her house (years ago) to an event that was strictly "no Children".
For the last couple of years i have always been there with her during the death of a parent, a relationship breakdown, her new relationship subsequent wedding, pregnancy and to advise her on all the "new baby" / Breastfeeding issues. During this time we have invited her and her husband to our house for barbeques, meals, christmas drinks etc but never had an invite back (i know they entertain and we could always get a babysitter). I am presuming they did not want to invite us because we have two lively children that would not suit their "child unfriendly house" (not that i know because i have never seen it!) I have never seen her new baby (now about 10 weeks) because she has never invited me round. I suggested in the Easter hols that i could prehaps visit when the children go back to school but i havent spoken to her since ... I feel really hurt and feel that i no longer want to make an effort because she obviously doesnt care about a friendship i have always held dear. I am also sad that she possibly thinks my two children are too much to have round her house (my boys are always very sweet and well behaved whenever we see them). Any advice on what i should do?????

Tessiebear - what great news! When friends/family are unavailable or distracted, I sometimes get my feelings hurt. I can get myself worked into a frenzy feeling ignored or slighted, and then often realise that I've got it all wrong. It's a huge relief to know that all is OK, and sometimes I have to laugh at how far I've gotten inside my own head with feeling hurt over something that is perfectly understandable - once I'm given the opportunity to understand what's been going on, and that it's nothing personal! Yet another reason Mumsnet is so valuable for independent feedback/perspective. Glad it's such happy news for you.

Tessiebear - have just skimmed this thread and am sooooooo pleased at the outcome. Was going to agree with Twiglett re the letter. I was on the receiving end of one a few years ago from my best friend after a very stressful weekend near the end of pregnancy with dd. Was extremely fatigued at the time and apparantly made some comments which weren't too well received. I was so hurt by the letter as I was totally unaware that I'd offended anyone - I certainly didn't mean to and even though I responded immediately to the letter with a phone call because her friendship meant so much to me, I still felt hurt for a long time afterwards and just wished she'd said something at the time. Nothing I said was heard in the way I meant it on that day so I guess I didn't come across too well but it's water under the bridge now and all is well again. Both of us promised never to air grievances by letter again! Actually, she's coming tomorrow to visit and like your friend, she lives an hour away so we don't see her often anymore so - yippee - am looking forward to it - and have added to your thread!

Tessiebear, I'm very happy of the outcome, I just wanted to mention I had a friend who start ringing my other friends to tell them that I was rude to her and that I was making up excuses saying I was busy, the truth was that she always rang me after the morning school run, and me... a First time mum trying to get on Gina Ford routines, was always top-and-tailing DS at the same time, which she never believed.

I guess that when you have your first child you spend the first few weeks either breastfeeding, soothing the baby or trying to get some sleep, so there's always room for misunderstandings, my friend could never understand why I was not having those looooooong conversations on the phone anymore, with a two week old baby it was, at least for me, impossible, if I had any free time I just wanted to get some sleep.

Thanks guys

Im so happy for you, what a relief!!

Tessiebear, that's wonderful news! I'm so glad that it's working out well!

Chandra, sorry to hear about your friend doing that to you. Must have been awfully hard on you, especially when you were coping with a new baby, too! Hope things have straightened themselves out....