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Original poster

Does my friend not want us to be friends?????

31 replies

Tessiebear · 26/05/2004 20:15

I have a friend who i have known since college and we have always been close despite living about an hour away from each other i.e cant just pop round the corner. I had my boys (6 &3) before she even thought about settling down but she has always made an effort with birthdays and christmas and always enjoyed visiting us whenever we invite her down. We have only ever been invited to her house (years ago) to an event that was strictly "no Children".
For the last couple of years i have always been there with her during the death of a parent, a relationship breakdown, her new relationship subsequent wedding, pregnancy and to advise her on all the "new baby" / Breastfeeding issues. During this time we have invited her and her husband to our house for barbeques, meals, christmas drinks etc but never had an invite back (i know they entertain and we could always get a babysitter). I am presuming they did not want to invite us because we have two lively children that would not suit their "child unfriendly house" (not that i know because i have never seen it!) I have never seen her new baby (now about 10 weeks) because she has never invited me round. I suggested in the Easter hols that i could prehaps visit when the children go back to school but i havent spoken to her since ... I feel really hurt and feel that i no longer want to make an effort because she obviously doesnt care about a friendship i have always held dear. I am also sad that she possibly thinks my two children are too much to have round her house (my boys are always very sweet and well behaved whenever we see them). Any advice on what i should do?????

OP posts:
charlieplus3 · 26/05/2004 20:22

Tessie bear, can you talk to her or write it all down in a letter. Exactly how you feel. What have you to loose?? Its best you know how she feels so it doesnt make you worry as it obviously does, and if it turns out she just doesnt have time for you anymore then its best to let it go and find some new friends. Hope she stays dear to you though, long lasting friendships are the best but they do also cause anguish as mine frequently have. Good Luck.

Original poster
Tessiebear · 26/05/2004 20:24

thanks charlie, a letter might be a good idea

OP posts:
charlieplus3 · 26/05/2004 20:26

Some friendships can be very one sided and she probably doesnt even realise how shes making you feel. Shell be caught up with the hubby and the baby i bet. But say something, it will help. (this is the voice of experience)

Tissy · 26/05/2004 20:27

Tessiebear, I don't have time for a really long considered response, but my first impression is you are winding yourself up about a problem you are not sure exists!

You don't know she doesn't want to be friends- at the moment you are imagining it, and you are imagining the reason for her not inviting you and your family round- she might be sitting there wondering why you haven't been to see her new baby! I certainly didn't issue invitations to meet my baby- I had PND, and couldn't face seeing people, tidying up the house, etc, BUT my really good friend came anyway, mucked in and got on with it. I have never invited more than a few people to my house because I'm ashamed of it- my work colleagues all have spotless homes and mine is a tip, needs decorating even after five years living here.

My advice FWIW, is to phone up your friend and ask if it would be alright to come and bring a wee present for the baby. If you get a positive response, go yourself and sound out the situation. If she's not in the depths of depression, ask her if next time you could bring the boys as they would love to meet the little one...

twogorgeousboys · 26/05/2004 20:28

Yes agree with charliebear here about a letter - I think its the only way to express how you feel and its not confrontational. Be honest in the letter though about how sad you feel. You sound like a lovely person, she'd be daft to lose you as a pal.

maomao · 26/05/2004 20:34

Tessiebear, I don't think you're winding yourself up at all. You've done a lot for your friend, and you don't really feel like the friendship is on equal terms. I agree with charlie that perhaps your friend may not realize how one-sided your relationship is. And a letter is a good way to go because you can edit it to have just the right tone. Hope it works out for you!

Tissy · 26/05/2004 20:41

what I meant is that there may be a perfectly good reason why she hasn't been in touch since the birth. If, for example, she does have PND, then she may not be able to respond to a letter in a positive fashion- I couldn't have done, I don't think. You need to make the first move on this occasion if only to find out for yourself how things are- you might both be sitting there wishing the other would call...

Original poster
Tessiebear · 26/05/2004 20:44

Thanks guys for your good advise.
Tissy, i know what you mean about not issuing invites to see new baby's i just had everyone turn up whenever they liked and just loved seeing people. I am usually the sort of person who will turn up with present and spend the next hour making tea and helping out. In this situation i just feel really awkward about following my usual instincts

OP posts:
Original poster
Tessiebear · 26/05/2004 20:49

Tissy: since the birth i have spoken to her a lot on the phone as she rang for advice on breastfeeding and mastitis (which i used to get a lot). I dont think she would have carried on BF if it wasnt for my encouragment. She seems very in control, everything going well, Very helpful husband etc I send her the odd encouraging text in case she is too tired or whatever to talk...

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 26/05/2004 20:53

Hi tessiebear. Maybe she's just one of those childless friends that doesn't 'get' having children? Maybe she didn't want you coming round when she was childless because you might have brought your kids etc. and maybe let them run around her immaculate/clean/small house (who knows hey? since you've never seen it). Or maybe she'd written you off in a kind of 'they've got kids, they're a different species, they won't want to do a dinner party/late night party/whatever.' kind of way. But I bet she'll need you soon! If she's got a baby she'll be adjusting to motherhood and sometime soon she'll probably get it (the whole being a parent thing) and be very glad she's got a lovely, patient and supportive friend like you. If you're still there, that is. I do think it's weird that you've never been to her house and it does sound one sided. It's probably worth talking to her about it. If you outright suggest a day for coming to see the new baby and then she says no and doesn't suggest another, then yes, I'd wonder whether she wants to keep up the friendship.

Tissy · 26/05/2004 20:54

Sorry, didn't get that you had been on the phone to her. I still think she might have been waiting for you to invite yourself round, especially if it is you is the main mover in your relationship- you have nothing to lose by saying, " it's about time I had a look at your gorgeous baby, when would be convenient?" If she's not interested, it should be obvious, and then I would gently let things drop...

lou33 · 26/05/2004 21:57

I agree with Charlie on this. A letter or an email would be a good way of explaining how you are feeling atm, without having her interrupt.

I had a bit of a misunderstanding with a v old friend a year or so ago, and was getting quite upset by the way I was interpreting her response to a certain situation, so I emailed her saying how I felt. Not stroppy or abiusive, just asking if I was right or had I got the wrong end of the stick. She was mortified that I had formed the worng impression , but was glad I had told her, so things are back to normal now.

She may well not realise how she is coming across, and a letter could help get things back on track.

Good luck.

charlieplus3 · 27/05/2004 08:23

So Tessie whats your plan? Has a nights sleep to mull it over helped at all? Ive had many restless nights when something has bothered me about a best friend and cos we are best friends we usually solve it, hope this works for you too.

My best friend didnt ask me to be bridesmaid and i was so upset as she was mine, and my childrens godmother and weve been best mates forever, i didnt say anything for weeks and when i did she was mortified that id been stressing. She wanted me to do it but didnt want to impose as i have so much on my plate with the kids etc. Total misunderstanding. We ended up argueing cos i said i wouldnt do it, it was good enough to know she did want me. I am obviously going to do it though, its a new dress isnt it, be silly to turn her down

Original poster
Tessiebear · 27/05/2004 09:44

Hi charlie, part of me wants to just ring her up and arrange to go round but part of me is being stubourn and wants to sit and wait to see how long it takes her to call. (especially as i just remembered that she did not reply to my E-Mail of three weeks ago)
Poor you about the bridesmaid thing.You definately did the right thing by accepting in the end, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and accept an apology

OP posts:
Soulfly · 27/05/2004 10:00

Have only skimmed this thread, but my sister had a similar thing happen to her. She'd met this friend in hospital when she was having her twins and kept in contact. Well, her friend always came to her house and my sis rarely went to hers. She went on holidays with my sister, hubby, kids etc etc and her family. Anyway gradually she wasn't popping around so much or not phoning much etc etc. And she'd invited my sister on holiday with them and my sis couldn't really afford it because she was selling her house etc etc. And since then they haven't really spoken much. And my sis is so fed up of making all the effort all the time, and she never gets an invite to her house etc etc. I don't really know if she still speaks to her etc etc. I think friends can be funny at times.

twiglett · 27/05/2004 10:12

message withdrawn

Jimjams · 27/05/2004 10:23

I agree with twiglett. I loved having my first baby and liked popping out with him but would have found it difficult to orgamise myself to go an hour away. I would have expected people to come to me.

Also I'm aware that I don't reciprocate all that often, I tend to visit others more than I have been people round. That's partly because my house is always a mess, partly because I can't really have people round for the evening unlee they're very understanding because of ds1 and partly because we just have no time. And also because I'm unorganised.

I wouldn't automatically assume the worst!

Sunlounger · 27/05/2004 10:32

Hi
Just read this and I do think you should give it a bit of time before doing anything - hormones will be raging and what with sleep deprivation and being knackered from having a new baby a letter/phone call from a friend, however well meant, will go down pretty badly I would imagine. In a while your friend will be longing to see you to share her baby queries and stories - and she will understand the whole baby thing and I bet you will get closer and be back on form before you know it. She may even feel a little ashamed - I know I did when I had my first baby and realised that I may have been a bit thoughtless with my best friend who had already had a baby.

Original poster
Tessiebear · 27/05/2004 21:16

oooh feel a bit spooked. Friend phoned me this evening wanting to chat and arrange a get together. She vaguely suggested we go to her (i think she was then waiting for me to say "no come to us it will be easier!!! - but instead i said "that would be nice" No date has been arranged i think she is getting back to me on that, but it was nice of her to phone and want a chat. Could she be a Mumsnetter snd read this post and thought of me???

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 27/05/2004 21:19

Great news Tessiebear - maybe she is a Mumsnetter, if so she'll have read all the messages and realised she needed to reach out to you.

maomao · 27/05/2004 21:21

Hooray!

Original poster
Tessiebear · 29/05/2004 20:40

OOOOMMMMGGGG!!!!!! Friend has just rang me up and asked me to be GODMOTHER to her baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I either read all the signals i was getting wrong or she is a Mumsnetter. (Am over the moon)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tessiebear · 29/05/2004 21:03

just trying to keep this thread active!!!

OP posts:
Clayhead · 29/05/2004 21:09

Tessiebear, glad to hear it's all OK!

Ghosty · 29/05/2004 21:15

Tessibear ...
Maybe she is a Mumsnetter and only just has realised how dear the friendship is to her? Good news!
FWIW I know that when my DS was very small I did 'drop' my mates a bit - I had PND and was very overwhelmed by it all. In fact, I remember feeling terribly guilty when my sister rang me up in tears about bloke trouble and I just couldn't get my act together enough to be there for her. She did set me straight and told me in no uncertain terms that life outside my baby cocoon still went on ...
I think that something like that was probably what was going on with your friend ...

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