OMG - serious dilema about this split with DH.....could do with your input

[fannyannie]

Just a brief overview for those that don't know. DH and I seperating (on friendly terms) - I'm moving out, plan was for me to go end of February and the boys to come to me end of March when I'll be on annual leave/maternity leave for nearly a year. So he would have them for a month before we started 'sharing' them properly (ie actually sleeping in our seperate accomedation with us).

DH is going to be renting out the biggest bedroom in this house, and has found a family (yes a whole family!) of Polish friends that he knows who have 3 children and are keen to take the room. He needs to rent the room in order to be able to stay in the house (which is what we both want him to be able to do)

Here's the dilema. As it's a change of schools for the children the family would like to move during the February half term (rather than a weekend at the end of Feb) to give their children a chance to settle, and for them to buy school uniforms etc (they're in a different town and the local schools uniforms aren't available there) before launching them into new schools as well (as they are still learning English so harder for them).

They have offered to advance me any money (within reasonable amounts) to enable me to find somewhere to live by then. I'm 99.99% sure that I'll be able to do it - as a friend as already offered to loan me some money as well for the initial 'start-up' costs. The great advantage is that I'll have the boys with me from February half term (although DH will have them on the nights I'm working).

However, the downside is that it doesn't give me very long to find somewhere. He has however offered to come and view places with me to help me make a decision on a place that would be suitable for me, the DS's and DC3 when it arrives until I'm in a position at some point in the future to be able to find a more 'ideal' place (ie this will be our 'starter' home - but rented IYKWIM).

What would you do???

I don't want him to lose out on the opportunity to have a 'stable' room tenant(s) and I'll be more comfortable with the boys staying with him knowing its

a) not a random single bloke
b) a family he knows
c) a family who have children who aren't far in age from the boys so the would be able to play together too.

On the other hand it's VERY soon - only 5 weeks away and the boys will be with me (apart from my work nights) straight away.

I'm supposed to be sleeping now (worked last night) - but I shall log on later to see what you think I should do......

I'd do my damnest to work within the 5 week period if I was sure that a seperation was the way to go.

I would do it manly because it meant that I wouldn't have to be without the kids for a month.

i think it will help the boys to stay with you from the start. far less confusing than the upheaval of initial split followed by more change a month later. depends on what you can find in 5 weeks tho, obviously.

mainly

Just a practical note, but your H will need to let his mortgage lender, Inland Revenue and insurer know that he is a landlord.

thanks for the practical note - DH (oh I know he's not really that anymore - just going to take some getting used to.....) has already looked into all of that.

also is it legal for a family with 3 kids to be sharing a bedroom? isnt there a limit per square foot of occupancy or am I going mad?

oh if we went with the initial plan I would still see lots of the children (probably every day) but they'd only be sleeping here in this house. (they're already used to only see daddy if they wake in the night as I work 3 night shifts a week - and some weeks have been known to do 4 or 5, and on one occasion 6 ).

Good

What is the rental market like in your town, FA ? Where I am there is a LOT of rental property available (flood of buy-to-let landlords) and so 5 weeks wouldn't be that problematic. Obviously the market may well differ where you are.

Not sure why you agreed to moving at the end of Feb. in the first place - why not end of Jan? Doesn't take that long to find somewhere surely? And why a month long gap between you moving out and dcs moving in?

In any case 5 weeks is plenty of time to fine somewhere I'd have thought and better that your dcs are with you when you move straight away - this is a good thing is it not? (Not sure you see that as a good thing from the way you put it).

HTH

there's lots on the market - it's just trying to decide what's best.......for starters for the same budget I can go for a big 2 bedroom house/flat (with double bedrooms) or a small 3 bedroom house/flat - as DH has just pointed out, very few people stay in the first place they move into, especially in these situations - but I could then save and look around for the 'ideal' place rather than just 'suitable' IYKWIM

FA - I suspect that you won't know what is 'ideal' until you've actually moved out and are living alone with the kids. Also what suits you as a pg mum of 2, may not suit you as a mum of 3.

Titchy - end of January wouldn't have been enough time for me to get the money together for the deposit and 1st months rent plus other 'bare essentials'. With this offer from the family who want the room that could now be done.

The month long gap is because I'll be working until the end of March - then I'm going to be off for a year (annual leave and maternity leave) - I wanted to be able to be at home with them all the time to help them adjust. And end of March is the Easter holidays which would give me lots of chance to spend quality time with them as the inital shock sinks in.

Moving out with me in mid-Feb means that they'll be backwards and forwards from me and DH from the very start, and it'll be 1 1/2months before I'm available 'full time' to help them cope.

will your new place be near your current one? If so, and you coudl bare to stay with dh a little while longer, why don't you rent somewhere from half term, but let the Polish family have it until Easter?

And I'd go for a smaller 3 bed place - if it's comfortable you could end up there for quite a while, and might be nicer for your ds's to have a room each to start with (assuming newborn will be in with you to start).

titchy - the boys currently share a bedroom (in our 3 bedroom house ) and love it.......I asked DS1 when he turned 6 if he wanted to go back into his own room and he nearly threw a paddy at me!!!!

I wouldn't worry too much about the 3 bed or 2 bed option as (by the sound of it) bedrooms are less of an issue for you.

What I would look for is somewhere with a decent amount of daytime "downstairs" (or equivalent in a flat) living space. I've always thought you can put up with cramped sleeping arrangements but nicer to have the space to move around during the day.

That, of course, depends how much your kids spend playing in their own rooms rather than downstairs...

Well I've decided to bite the bullet and try and get somewhere for the beginning of Feb. This living with "D"H as 'friends' (when I still hoped we could work things out) is emotionally draining me. It may mean that he has the kids living chiefly at home with him (although he's said he'll help organise something for them to sleep on so they can stay with me for a few nights) for a bit longer than initially planned, but I want to remain on the 'friends' terms with him we're currently on. And I'm so emotional about the whole thing it's going to be really hard to do it for a long period if we're both in the same house.

About to pop out and look at 2, 3 bedroom places just the other side of the park (about 10-15 minutes walk - 20 if DS2 is being really slow LOL) from where this house is. Already had one booked for 2.30, then the other one - literally round the corner (and wierdly the same house number) from the first I could view at 3.15.

Of course 3.15 DS1 (who we're telling about the seperation tomorrow) is coming out of school (next door to this house) so I dashed round there (yes sorry left DS2 sleeping ) and grabbed one of the teaching assistants - who's a friend of mine from church - and asked if there was any chance she could 'pickup' DS1 from school, and either keep him occupied there or take him home - she was absolutely fine about it (as I thought she would) so doing my first 'viewings' this afternoon.

Feels wierd - but I guess it's one of those 'hurdles' I have to cross.........the other one is taking down the Christmas decorations for the last time - but DH has agreed that we'll take the ones in the window down, but leave the ceiling ones up a bit longer until I feel more ready to cope with it. So our house will probably feel quite 'Christmassy' for another week or so .

Anyhow, must dash, have to wake DS2 up from his sleep and get him ready to go house viewing (didn't feel it was a good idea to take DS1 as he doesn't know yet! whereas DS2 is too young to grasp what it's all about).