My dad has Alzheimer's and is going to go into a home in four weeks' time (possibly permanently), anybody got any words of wisdom?

[emkana]

I'm having the same conversation with my mum nearly every day atm, she feels so guilty because she's doing this but she just can't cope anymore, my dad has got so much worse over the last year.

She's very worried because the one thing he still knows is that he wants to have my mum around.

She's unsure how to handle it - take him there and stay with him a lot initally, or keep away? What will make it easier for him to settle in?

My friend is in the exact same place Emkana and I really feel for you.

How much your Mum's presence will help really depends. If he's not aware of her / who she is then its what would help her most. If he tends to get agitated (my friend's dad claims she is abandoning him) she might find she self protects by limiting her time, and if he is happier with her around- well be around.

Speak to the staff. And set routines. He's a lot more likely to be secure, settled and happy if he knows when he can expect her and that she goes then. Once a day, once a week- but a routine.

IME people tend to settle into these palces quite quickly, theya re usually staffed by lovely warm people and there is security in being there.

to you Emk.

I'm so sorry. You have really been through the mill recently. My MIL was showing signs of extreme forgetfulness, not eating (went down to about 5stone at 5'7"!)), depression, paranoia, all sorts, we honestly all thought she was going to die soon. But since going into a home she has improved incredibly dramatically (she's well, put on lots of weight, compos mentis, reading and enjoying life). I know your dad is a different case, but they are not bad places and your mum need not feel guilty. Maybe she could ask the staff for advice?

Dear e....I would say....for yourselves and your dad....stay with him as much as possible in the beginning.
If your dad is very ill...this will be more beneficial to your mum....she will be able to see him settled and the routine of the place.
When my dad went into a home...thats what we did....and it helped with our guilt when we saw how kind and helpfull everyone was....and how quickly my dad settled and just relaxed...sleeping mostly.

Visit him on a routine, so he knows that every day, after lunch,(or what ever time) his wife will visit. It is so important to have that routine, it's awful when the relatives leave, and the patient is left not knowing when they will next get a visiter.

I am convinced this is more settling for people with memory problems than ad hoc visiting - like 3 hourrs one day, none the next.

and nursing home staff, although often very young, are usually very very kind.

Taking him just before a meal time is a good idea, then he can sit at a table with just 3 other people, so not overwhelming, and if he doesn't want to talk, he can just eat.

Thank you for the good advice everybody (and for the good wishes!)

Will bump this in the morning to see if there's more.

bump

So sorry

I agree that a routine really matters and it is important to stick to it. My parents used to volunteer at a residential home for the elderly and there was nothing sadder than the resident waiting for an expected visit that didn't come to pass.

And don't assume that if he seems 'not there' that he isn't. He will be aware of what is going on and he will recognise people.

Also find someone on the staff to build a good relationship with. For your sake and your fathers.

id suggest staying initially. my grandparents had alz and familiar faces certainly helped.

Emkana my MIL has had altz for about 5 years and doesnt recognise anyone anymore ,except possibly,sometimes FIL. He is mid eighties and wont put her in a home even though he is in poor shape himself.

I think what your mum and you have arranged is the kindest,best option for everyone . I know its hard on your poor mum, but when it reaches this stage its just hard any which way isnt it?

MIL had to go into respite care when FIL was poorly. She was there for 10 days and was super happy. When FIL went to pick her up on the 10th day (she had not seen him in this time) and she really thought he had only popped out for a couple of hours.

I think you and your mum should just play it by ear as regards visiting. I would be tempted to say that you need to focus more on how your mum copes with this change than your dad. Does that make sense?

Good luck and very warm wishes to all of you x

I have no advice or help to give you, but wanted to let you know that I wish you all the best at what must be a difficul and stressful time for your family.

alzheimers i think is so horrible. as in for the family and i would hate to end up like that.
all you can do really is be patient and not let it get to you. It is so hard sometimes but do not either you or your mum feel guilty about putting him in a home. Your mum needs to visit him regularly and give him the best standard of living... but she needs that as well just make sure of that.
It works out differently for everyone though, I found it hard with my gran.. she would recognise me but never my brother and I think i felt worse than he did about that.

Just to say that my granny was much happier once she was in a home because she knew she wasn't coping at home. It sounds like you are doing the best thing.

Thank you all, it's lovely to get so many replies on such a difficult subject.

Hi emkana,
My grandad went into a nursing home during the summer - the best advice I can give is not to get too upset when they say things that make you feel guilty - my grandad had hoped my mum would be able to look after him but she could never have coped. She couldn't lift him when he fell and had to get ambulance staff on a couple of occasions. He went to the nursing home from hospital which I think was a shame because his alzeheimer's and his frailty seemed much worse after a month in hospital. Probably much better to go from own home. I live 100 miles away and can't visit him as often as I would if I lived nearer - my mum goes every day and as people have said she finds he's much better if she goes at the same time every day and not when he is too tired such as after tea. He seems much more down and grumpy at that time and often says horrible things to her. At other times he is a bit more his old self. I visited at christmas and he said he loved it in there because the staff looked after him and gave him lots of food! I have also taken my 7 year old daughter just for a few minutes and that has seemed to cheer him up - even if he can't remember it the next day!

I wish you all the best - it's certainly not a pleasant time but it really is the only option for some people such as my grandad.

I am a regional manager of a series of care homes, I reccommend regular visits at first as it will be confusing for him, he should be assigned a keyworker who will be invovled with writing his careplan (in which you as his family should be invovled in)

Fill his room with personal effects (plenty of family photos )so it is familiar.

The staff will be trained in dealing with all types of dementia and in my experience he will be in a good place looked after by genuine people.

FWIW i have been in and out of loads of different care homes recently due to some work I have been doing. The atmosphere and general welcome is very nice from place to place and I was quite pleasently surprised at the feel and decor of them too. A lot of people still think of them as they used to be, nowadays staff are better trained and there are so many rules and regulations owners have to follow.

don't really have any advice emkana but my Dad has Alzh as well and is going downhill quickly. I would be interested in finding out how it's going with your Dad - I know when that time comes for us, my Mum will feel terribly guilty but even at the moment she is finding it more and more difficult.
Good luck - I think the making his room look as familiar as possible sounds very sensible. My Dad certainly remembers things that happened a long time ago better than recent things so perhaps photos of you when you were a child? His wedding photo? That sort of thing?