Calling All Mums with 2 or more Children Under 5

[twogorgeousboys]

I know this won't be an exact science, but I wondered if all you lovely Mumsnetters could help me with my own mini survey.

If you have 2 (or more) children under 5 (so probably not in full time school yet), do you go out to work (full or part time) or are you a Stay At Home Mum?

The reason I am asking is because I keep getting the feeling that my DH thinks I shouldn't be just a SAHM, I should be back at my job too. He doesn't say anything specific, but definitely gives off "signals" every now and again IYKWIM.

I'm feeling pretty inadequate at the moment, but I just know that being nearly 40, with a 3 year old and an 11 month old, I just couldn't hack going back to work as well at the moment, even part time.

We could do with the extra money obviously, but we're managing on one salary, and if I did go back now, childcare costs would render it a bit pointless.

So, would like to hear from as many of you as possible to get an overview. If you do go out to work, how many days a week. If you are a SAHM with your little brood, what are your thoughts about when would be a sensible time to go back into paid employment?

I work full time but do two days a week from home and, in practice, do some work in the evenings/ weekends so I can spend time with dd (19mths) and ds (4). I am pretty self-managing at work so it's easy for me to set my own hours. My DP works part time 3 and a half days. So we manage to get by with minimal childcare (two full days each child plus an additional half day for ds).

I couldn't do full-time-in-the-office work. The logistics of childcare once you have two are tricky enough when the kids are healthy, but when for example they are ill it's nightmare. I love spending time with my kids and at the meoment get more or less two days with them a week, as well as weekends. I am incredibly lucky to have a flexible job and a dp who is committed to sharing the childcare. But agree with Bundle and MI, I also work for me, to have that link with the outside world and to have a life of my own to return to when the kids are more independent. And I like what I do and think it's important.

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DD1 is 3, 4 in August. DD2 is just 1. I have worked 4 days a week since I had DD1, pretty long hours and quite a lot of travelling, evenings etc. but also a lot of freedom for me to manage my own schedule. I had 6 months maternity leave with both of them. We are very lucky as we have a great nanny plus cleaner and gardener. We also have very supportive grandparents close by who help out and my DH also works 4 days a week. So life is not as hectic as for many people where both parents work. I want to go to work and my DH supports that (we could probably do without the money). You should not feel inadquate - it is not just about what your DH thinks you should do - what about you, your reasons for not going back. A lot of people feel and I admire them and probably agree that the best childcare in the early years is mum.

I am a SAHM with a ds of 4 and a dd of 18mths. I don't plan to work full time until my youngest is starting school - even then the hours will have to be right as I want to be around to pick them up from school.

If something came up part time before then(1 - 2 days a week)that was really worthwhile financially I would consider it - but same old story it would have to cover childcare and more to be worth it.

None of this is set in stone, atm I am happy to be a mum and really enjoy giving them my time but I am aware that might change and I might have to do something for me.

Think others are right when they say if you are going to do it, do it for you.

Moneywise - I feel that this time is so precious and goes so quickly, surely your dh can see that what you are doing for your children is a true investment in their future, something no amount of money can buy?

Hi TGB, I have 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 18mths. I don't work at all as i couldn't get a jog that would cover childcare for 2 kids.
My 4 yr old Dd starts school in September so I was going to get a job then, but have almost decided to return to college instead, as i have no proper qualifications and want a job that i like not one that i have to do cos i can't do anything else.

Personally i couldn't afford to pay childcare fees for more than one child and would find it too stressful working with 2 under 5.
I wouldn't go back until your eldest starts school. You could always use the time until then to do some retraining.

Mine are 4 and 2. I work 2/3 days per week, mostly from home. The only reason I can manage it is because it's from home, as I couldn't stand having to get ready to go in every day. I have a childminder, but most jobs don't pay enough to support childcare for 2 kids, so perhaps your DH ought to do some sums. My job is enjoyable and gives me a break, but it's an exceptionable job. If I were in your shoes, I'd say I was doing enough bringing up your children well yourself. You shouldn't feel inadequate, but I know people can make you feel like that, and it's a major bugbear of mine. Occasionally, there will be a gap in my contracts, and DH makes me feel like shit about it too. I think it's one of those things where we'll look back when we're in our 80's and think 'what a bastard' and, hopefully, they'll be ashamed of themselves. You are doing the hardest job in the world and you ought to be proud.

Tell your DH:

According to the Daycare Trust the typical cost of a full-time nursery place for a child under two is more than £7,000 a year ? and in more expensive areas it?s more like over £8,730 a year. Childminders aren?t much cheaper, averaging out at over £6,200 a year for a full-time place.

That's a lot of money. And I speak as someone who would really hate to be a SAHM!

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Incidentally, what do those of you with jobs do in the school holidays, childcare-wise?

Ds1 was 5 a couple of weeks ago but I'll answer anyway as when DS3 was born he was only 4.5months

Our plan has always been I would go back to work when the youngest was at full time school which would have been next year but after 15 months of asking to try for another DH changed his mind and 9 months later no.3 arrived( much to dh's horror, I feel PG on the first attempt) so I'll be going back to work in about 3 or 4 years and then only part time.

I had three under 5 and worked a job-share 2.5 days a week. Dh works shifts. We only managed it because my mum had the kids when my and dh's hours crossed over and also when they were sick which I feel personally is a major consideration. The guilt when you can't be with a poorly child is huge. Also school holidays were difficult to organise (and costly) It was very hard and sometimes I didn't see dh at all for 2 or 3 days because of the way his shifts fell. I now work part-time term time only and know I'm a very, very luckymum as these type of jobs are few and far between.

2GBs - I'm interested - why do you feel inadequate? Is it because your dh wants you to work? Because you don't feel happy and fulfilled at home? It's just I'm wondering, as your dh hasn't actually said anything about you going back to work, whether this is more of an issue for you and how you feel?

Droile- both my two in nursery so not an issue ATM. But DP is a teacher, so will be around most of hols.

I had 2 under 2 and the eldest still hasnt started school yet but will in september. I feel at a bit of a loss as to what I will do then

Wow, thanks for all the messages so far - fascinating reading. I'll try and do a short summary tomorrow - %'s who SAH, work full or part time etc, just in case anyone else is interested. The picture I'm getting is that it all depends on your personal circumstances and needs/motivations.

Part of the problem for me I think is that when I met dh (pre kids etc and me a career person for number of years), he was always quite disparaging of SAHM's, I don't know why, cos he didn't know any! Nor did he have any friends or close family with young children, indeed any children.

I suppose what he said then has always stayed in my head, so I'm probably oversensitive. When we talk about it he says he understands totally that it wouldn't be financially viable for me to return to work currently.

I think what it boils down to is that he is really feeling the pressure and responsibility of being the sole wage earner and sometimes he says tactless things when he's tired and fed up (don't we all).

I have 2 daughters, ages 2 and 4.5 and I'm a single SAHM. I worked full time until the birth of my youngest (went back when eldest was 8 weeks old), and it is very hard working when you have young kids. Even with only one it was difficult especially when she was sick, one of us having to take the day off work.

Why does your husband think you should go back to work if it wouldn't make much diffeence in your overall income? Does he think you miss it and are bored at home?

For my part I'm very grateful that financially I'm able to afford to stay home, although I do miss some things about my job, especially those days when my girls are clinging and whining and making me crazy (especially as I don't have a spouse coming home at the end of the day). I don't know if I'll go back to work even once they're both in school, because then there'll be homework, PTA meetings, etc... But as I said I'm fortunate to be able to make that choice.

Supermumnot

Feel very sorry for you - have you and your dh agreed a time when you can call a halt on him pursuing his life's dream if it's clearly not going to make money?

Tgb - I can understand that he feels pressured as the only wage earner but that pressure is just replaced with another if you go back to work......pressure to be at nursery on time/to be there when they're sick, for sports day, appointments/to take up the slack with household stuff that you can't do cos you're working....I could go on and on

If you want to work because you want to work thats great but don't feel inadequate being a SAHM if thats what you'd prefer.

Supermumnot.. Hugs

TGB - I work fulltime with a three y/o and a nearly two y/o and frankly it is knackering and the childcare costs a gazillion pounds because I feel so guilty. If it were possible to have taken a reasonable career break whilst the boys were tiny in my line of work I would have done. No one ever got to be old and wished they had spent more time at work

I am a sahm with 3 children - ds5, dd1 3 and a half, dd2 15mo. I stopped work about 6 weeks ago - before then I worked 3 days a week. I stopped mainly because dd1 hated me going to work, but also because the juggling got too much. It is too early to say whether I have made the right move (although my children think I have), but I suspect that if I could eventually find a job that was more flexible than my old job (city law firm) I would take it, as I do miss having another life. However, it does have to fit around school hours and the children, and I think that such a job (or certainly one which would cover childcare fees) doesn't exist. I think there isn't an ideal solution, but I would agree with others on this thread, that as you're managing on one salary, this is really your decision. I think that as your youngest is only 11months, it is not unreasonable to want to stay at home a bit longer.

I have 3 under 5. 4yo at full time school, 2yo, and 5 week old. I'm currently on maternity leave but work full time normally - ONLY cos I want to and because my employer (university) is extremely flexible so I work from home and can fit it to school hours. it makes no sense to work with two preschoolers unless you want to, I'd say.

you could ask your dh how many nursery pick-ups he'd do, how many days/weeks he'd take off when children are sick, etc. can he take days off at no notice? he might realise he's got it easy with you at home now to cover those things.

I have ds twins aged 2 1/2. I am also a SAHM, if you want to be a SAHM then it will benefit your children.

Not that mums who work are harming their children. It is the fact that if the mum or dad is happy to stay at home then good, if they prefer work then that is also fine. (I am trying not to be attacked by the working mums on here. Children are happy when you are happy, don't you think?)

It is your own personal choice. I know if I went back to work my wage would cover the childcare cost and that would be it. I will go back to work when they start school (part-time, I would love to work from home but have been thinking of getting a particular job at school so holidays won't be a problem.)

To me these few years are precious, it is only a few years out of decades of working after all. I love spending time with my boys knowing once this part of their life is over there is no going back, if I was stuck in an office missing it all I would be so depressed. Maybe I would feel different if I had a career I was involved in but I didn't so can enjoy this.

On one wage, and it isn't a particularly good wage, less than what I have heard the average is supposed to be, we can still afford days out. I budget like a demon and we even managed a holiday last December to the German Christmas Markets.

Keep to your arguement about the childcare costs twogorgeousboys, have you thought maybe DH is a little jealous. I know mine can be over the relationship I have with my boys, if he ever looks after the boys on his own he lasts about 4 hours!!!! The myth of SAHMs sitting on the sofa watching TV was blown the first time he did it!

Oh and I meant to say, you are not inadequate. You are just an unpaid worker Doing the hardest job in the world (I know I never once realised how hard it is until I started!)