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Original poster

My nece and surname dilemma

21 replies

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 16:58

Not sure which is the best section for this, so hope nobody minds me shoving it under 'other'.

If you were (are) divorced, you've brushed ex-H's name under the carpet but ex-H's brother sends your child parcels/cards with his surname - still the proper legal name - on them, would it get your back up? Would you ask them not to?

My brother and his wife have been divorced over 10 years - they have a teenage daughter, my niece, who lives with her mum. Bit of an acrimonious split - ex-SIL was something of a manipulative witch, and has said all kinds of hurtful and untrue things about my brother. But niece has a great rapport with me and DW, and we are still very much in touch despite her mother. So are her grandparents (my mum and dad).

Niece was born with the family name, i.e. my brother's, ours. (His wife took his name.) When niece was about 8 she started telling everyone she 'had two surnames'. And somewhere along the line our family name has been quietly dropped. But that is still my niece's name on her passport and will be on her driving licence if she learns. I don't think it can be legally altered without both parents' permission (?) and there is no way in hell my brother would agree to that. Ex-SIL seems to have got her to drop our family name purely out of spite.

Most of the time we email, so it's not an issue, but I still use our family name when writing to her for birthdays, Xmas etc., and so do my parents. Why? Well, why not? It hasn't been changed officially, and I haven't been officially informed of any change. (Evil ex-SIL has no contact with us, you may have gathered.) Niece herself stays diplomatic by using her first name & initial - because as it happens, both surnames start with the same letter.

What's the verdict of the Mumsnet Jury?

(NB: my brother is not the kind of dad who has to be chased for money all the time and is never there - quite the opposite. As far as I know, the divorce was a result of "irreconcilable differences" rather than anyone doing anything "wrong".)

OP posts:

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 17:06

Please forgive mis-spelling of "niece" in header... senior moments get more frequent.....

OP posts:

Hulababy · 03/01/2007 17:08

I would go with what your niece wants and prefers to use. Once she is 18 she can change it legally herself if she wants.

hana · 03/01/2007 17:09

can't yhou phoen up the mum and ask her which name she prefers? I dont see the point in getting upset about a name really, (but I don't have any experience with seperations in the family and name changes ) is it really such a big deal?

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 17:11

Thing is, I think my niece wants to keep everyone happy which is why she just uses the initial.

(Phone up her mum? You must be joking!!)

OP posts:

yorkshirelass79 · 03/01/2007 17:11

Message withdrawn

hana · 03/01/2007 17:12

oops!

Frostythesurfmum · 03/01/2007 17:13

DH had an acrimonious split with his x and had to get a court order to make sure he saw his dd. He sounds like the same sort of guy as your db. Dh and his x weren't married, so dsd's name hasn't been an issue, but if we were in this situation I think we'd take the lead from dsd and do what she was most comfortable with. I think we'd send cards using first name and initial. The important thing is that she gets the card, not what name is on it. If putting the surname her mum doesn't want her to use puts her in a difficult position with her mum then it wouldn't be worth making a stand and continuing to use the other name. We always figure that the less dsd's mum is upset the better it is for dsd.

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 17:13

I'll go with whatever name is agreed, provided there is some suggestion my brother has actually been consulted about it. That's not the case right now.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 03/01/2007 17:15

I think I would use both. I certainly wouldn't agree with just dropping your brother's name.

motherinferior · 03/01/2007 17:17

Actually, no: I'd use the name your niece was given at birth.

(I get this from the other direction - DP's brothers give her his surname alone, which pisses me off no end, although not as much as when they give me his surname. But if we split up I wouldn't drop his name from their two surnames!)

madmarchhare · 03/01/2007 17:18

In your situation I would keep using the 'family' name, after all it is her name (I would probably be secretly happy that it might piss off witchy SIL as well).

Now if I was officially asked not to do so, then it would be a different matter.

Hulababy · 03/01/2007 17:19

How old is niece? Is she old enough to decide for herself.

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 17:20

madmarchhare - i so agree!
hulababy - she's 15, will be 16 this year.

OP posts:

DizzyBint · 03/01/2007 17:20

how often do you actually have to use her surname? could you just use her first name?

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 17:21

dizzy - we mainly email (and don't meet up that much) but it's an issue when I write - birthday and Christmas, plus thankyou letters for Christmas and our children's birthdays. So maybe 6 times a year.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 03/01/2007 17:21

I think 15/16 is old enough for her to decide herself TBH, especially once 16. Just tell her there is no pressure and you will use whichever name she wants and prefers to use, and will respect her decision - and then go along with her choice.

DizzyBint · 03/01/2007 17:25

i'm sure she finds the situation very awkward herself. she may well want to use the other surname but doesn't want to hurt you and her dad's feelings. who knows? maybe just write letters with her first name? then when she's older she can make a formal decision about it. right now she can't decide and maybe you putting her 'legal' surname isn't appropriate either.

Original poster

UnquietDad · 03/01/2007 20:06

Thanks for all your advice, everyone.

OP posts:

Bucketsofdynomite · 03/01/2007 20:17

She sounds very sweet being so diplomatic. The important thing is what name is her bank account in? Because it's cheques that are going to cause the biggest problems (and perhaps that could be incentive for her to keep using your family name...) Sorry to be crass but I remember being a teenager.

tribpot · 03/01/2007 20:26

Have sort of similar family dilemmas myself.

Dh's niece is in a similar position (although my BIL has been a bit of a sod about money - OTOH ex-wife has denied him any contact for 16 years so whaddya want). No idea if she is still using the family surname (I don't) but assume she is and haven't been told otherwise. Obviously I get letters addressed to me as "Mrs [Dh's surname]" and somehow survive the trauma - equally I'm not a teenager.

I'm not sure how I'd react if she announced she was switching to her mother's maiden name. I think if she came right out and said it, I'd certainly honour it, but in the absence of any official confirmation, why shouldn't you carry on using the family surname?

My step-sister's insane mother decided to change her first name when she split from my step-father, so at the age of 10, my sis went from a name beginning with K to one beginning with E. But obviously everyone who knew her before then still called her K - and because I got to know her through her dad, I did too. To this day, she is known to all and sundry as E but to us as K. Very confusing I am sure. Lord knows what she does for bank accounts!

octobermum · 03/01/2007 20:45

I would carry on as you are as it's only once or twice a year.

My SIL won't use my brother surname as according to her there has been to many Mrs . He has been married twice before, but as i don't know her surname i use his and as far as i know it has never been an issue.

Mind you i was glad to get rid of it when i got married.

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