Holiday with the in-laws. Will I cope?

[hopey]

We are due to go on holiday with my partners parents on Tuesday and I am dreading it.
When we were asked by them if we would like to go, we jumped at the chance. Its our only chance of a holiday this year and we feel we need a break. The only problem is Mum-in-law. She is driving me mad already!! She has started to interfere in everything I do, never agrees with the way I do things and is constantly pushing me to change to her ways.
At the start I put up with it. They live in the north of England and us in the South, so its not as if we see them that often. But she's started ringing more and more often about the most stupid things and its really getting my back up!! The one thing she has started doing is going on about how she will have my baby girl for a month in the summer without me and my partner (as if I'd be without my girl for that long!) and when we go to visit her, she keeps saying to my baby that she's going to smuggle her away from us. I know you might think I'm being daft but I don't want her saying things like that to my child.
This holiday started off as a good idea, but now I'm just wondering how long it will take before I snap!!
I feel sorry for the woman as she doesn't get to see her granddaughter as often as she likes and I know she's jealous of my mum as she looks after my daughter while I'm at work, but I don't know how much more I can take.
Sorry for ranting on like a woman possessed, but I can't tell my partner and I really needed to get it off my chest.

Hopey, this is my worst nightmare. My inlaws also live in the north and us in the south so although we don't see them often when we do it is for longer periods. My dh has suggested hols with them but as they came for 3 weeks when my dd was born I just cannot bring myself to agree to it although, as you say, your nicer side says a second chance should be given. My MIL thinks she gave birth to my DD and I am just the carer - OK a little neurotic of me but this is how she makes me feel. I would have to have certain reassurances from DH before I could agree to a hol with them such as days out without them, no leaving me with MIL while he goes off with FIL as she talks non-stop. They are both getting on now so I should make an effort but as holiday time is so precious I just want to enjoy it. I wish you the best of luck.

I do sympathise, but have to say that as the mother of a son, I absolutely dread him getting married, having kids and me being regarded as the hideous MIL by his partner and not seeing the baby very much etc. I think that we give our own mums the benefit of the doubt (ie she cleans up and we think 'how helpful' but when our MIL does it we think 'hmm, so she thinks I don't know how to clean my own house, eh?'. When our mum croons over the baby we think, 'aah, nice to see how much she loves him' wheras with the MIL we think 'so, she thinks she's a better mum than me'.
Believe me, I'm no saint and I've had my share of frustrations but do try to think the best even when I'm simmering. After all that might be me one day...!

This is slightly going off subject - I would say 'DON'T DO IT' regarding holidaying with in-laws but I guess it's too late in your case! Can only wish you lots of luck and try to take things as easily as you can, not easy I know.

I always recall an incident in my first marriage when MIL offered to iron my DH's shirts, I was mortally offended & took it as a great insult - now, with years of wisdom, my attitude would be 'thanks, and here's mine as well' !

My issue is this - my SIL obviously hates her MIL (my mother) with avengence (sp?) to the extent that she sends her horrible letters, cancels visits at short notice, ignores her when she does visit (ie: not even offering her a meal & worse). My mother lives miles away & so does not 'pop in' uninvited, always asks if it is convenient to visit, sends presents & money (which are always accepted - but never acknowledged), my brother is a wet blanket since he married & it is impossible to discuss this with him. I am obviously biased but I hate to see my mother get so upset over this, I really do not think she is the interfering MIL type at all, she just wants a pleasant relationship with her grandchildren & DIL. My gut feeling is now to politely 'ignore' them, ie: send birthday/christmas gifts, make the odd phone call, but just accept that some family members are never going to get on.

Does anyone else have any experience like this?

Hopey, My inlaws live some distance away, so we are in a similar boat to you. In fact we spent our honeymoon with them on their small boat for a week - and our marriage survived. When we had our first baby, aged 4 months, we did another boat holiday with them - a canal boat during a rainy week in september. We have also spent annual holidays at their place and 90% of the time we all get on very well.

This is due to a deliberately non-interferring MIL. I know this is luck.

But what's less to do with luck is the fact that there is a rigid division of labour between MIL and I. She made the rules, I happily followed.
She takes charge of all domestic stuff, shopping, cooking, and most cleaning. I take charge of the children. It is my job to make sure they are happy, clean, reasonably well behaved, sleep when necessary, don't interrupt adult meal times ( if possible), don't break anything and don't leave a mess. Occasionally we help each other out, but MIL is far more expert than me in the kitchen, so I leave her to it. Sometimes she'll babysit or take the children out.

Dh and I take the children on trips just enough to give MIL and FIL a break, but not too much, otherwise MIL and FIL feel done out of their precious time with them. We tend to talk through our daily plans at breakfast, so everyone is happy. Mobile phones help, too, of course so when you're out,you can check on meal times or changing plans.

I have come to expect little hands-on help with, ie nappy changes, but I know MIL loves our sons dearly and really looks forward to having my 7 year old for week-long holidays by himself. She says she will happily have our youngest as well once he hits four-ish.

I know exactly where I stand with my MIL and I think this is why we get on so well. We do have niggles, and I think she is sometimes in quiet dispair about the mess we leave. I sometimes get irritated at the correctness of her approach to practical things. In my own home I'm far more slapdash. But we rarely voice criticisms of each other, and if one does, the other backs off.

That's my other suggestion. Make sure you can get away with the children and/ or with your husband for a while each day. Be nice, but make it clear to your MIL that you won't be constantly around during the holiday, and you're open to any offers of babysitting.

If your MIL is keen on planning this holiday to a tee and is phoning you all the time, just let her get on with all the practicalities - it's likely she's got more time than you. Make sure sure she knows you're gratful for her efforts - a bit of diplomacy can't go amiss.

If you sense she's trying to take over your role as mother as well, make it clear in advance that this will be your area of responsibility, and you'll also be doing some separate things with the children.

I don't know if this approach will work for you, but here's hoping.

Hopey, I guess from your posting you are going somewhere with them, rather than staying at their house. Well, that's a good start, neutral territory! You will not be sharing "her" kitchen or "their" bathroom.
Something for you to consider (you didn't tell us this and quite right too!) is how the cost of the holiday has been split - did you do 50/50, or are you in the position of being their guests? You might feel more assured in handling your MIL if you and dh have strategies in place for meeting joint costs, treating each other to lunch, etc. My dh always feels better about staying with my accommodating but rather overwhelming parents if we take them out for a really corking lunch during our stay, and he pays personally.
I'm an optimist in these situations, despite having a frequently snobbish, sly and embittered MIL, and you might find that prolonged exposure to DD gets some of her less helpful obsessions out of her system. She will almost certainly be less keen to have dd for a whole month, assuming she meant it seriously in the first place.
Prime dd to regurgitate milk on her cruisewear a few times and you'll get a bit of peace.
I hope you have a good time anyway - see if she will babysit and maybe you and dp will have some nice evenings out together. If she won't babysit, then NEVER go on holiday with her again.

hi i tought i had a difficult mil but your's lindy it must be so terrible well i have in a moment of weakness invited the other half's mom as i call her on holidays with us in august and i am sooooo regreting it well we usaly go to a holiday house in scotland and we go with my brother and his wife and two kids we have a great time we babysit for each other and it so relaxing but he cant make it this year so i tought lets ask her well any tips on how to uninvite the mil